Forget about Beckham’s batshit brain – just take a butcher’s at his bank balance

Hi, John … and how much are you earning?

Having never seen a dob of batshit, at least not so far as he is aware, Alf is none the wiser about the depth or dearth of David Beckham’s intelligence.

But he is aware that “batshit” is a measure of a bloke’s braininess employed by The Boss.

He might have said as thick as guano, which is the excrement of seabirds, cave dwelling bats, and seals.

He might further have pointed out (as your learn here) that –

Guano manure is an effective fertilizer due to its high levels of phosphorus and nitrogen and its relative lack of odor compared to other forms of organic fertilizer such as horse manure.

Dunno if it is better to be as thick as batshit, apeshit or pigshit.

Or as thick as guano.

Govt has not abandoned hungry kids (and it is considering fattening some TV moguls, too)

Dunno what them tossers at Radio NZ think they are up to.

They posted an item on their website (here) about we Nats not caring about starving kids.

This, of course, is a calumny.

The item started by saying:

The Government is being accused of not taking child poverty seriously and leaving schools to come up with the resources to feed hungry children.

The item is based on official papers released to the Green Party.

Alf has not seen these papers but Radio NZ says they show Health Minister Tony Ryall originally approved extending the scheme from decile 1 and 2 schools to include decile 3 schools.

Thanks for the cultural reprimand, Tuku – but now go and check out how long water has been here

Alf remembers Tuku Morgan as a bloke with a high regard for his nether regions, which he adorned in top-quality undies.

This is noted at Wikipedia (here), which reminds us that during Tuku’s term in Parliament he was involved in a number of controversies.

One scandal in 1997 revolved around his spending NZ$4000 of Aotearoa Television funds on clothes including a pair of $89 underpants.

Mrs Grumble admires a fellow who dresses well and while she questioned whether the public should have funded Tuku’s shopping for a wardrobe, she could not fault the splendid way he looked after being mockered up in $4000 worth of duds, although (she confided to her sister-in-law) she would rather have liked to see him in his undies.

As things turned out, his parliamentary career didn’t last all that long and he has finished up as an adviser or a courtier or whatever in the court of King Tuheitia.

A victory for what? For more co-governance deals, maybe, to dilute the voice of the majority

Ooh…look where 50:50 co-governance takes our democracy.

We Nats should not be surprised at the antics of the Maori Party. But we can be damned disappointed that the buggers are claiming victory after last night’s meeting with the Prime Minister over water rights.

Victory in what?

As Alf understands it, the Maori Party wanted an apology from The Boss.

He further understands it did not get one, because Stuff reports that

…John Key stopped short of apologising for what it called ”insulting” comments about the Waitangi Tribunal.

The party met the PM and and some senior government figures at the Beehive late last night for an hour-and-a-half.

Alf is a senior figure in age terms, of course, but sad to say has not been accorded the ministerial rank he believes he has richly deserved. Hence he was not one of those involved and for immediate purposes must rely on media accounts of what happened.

Water, water on the supermarket shelves – why isn’t it free to drink?

Did you ever wonder who owns the contents of these bottles?

Mrs Grumble raised a damned good question at breakfast this morning.

If nobody owns water – then why do people pay for bottled water at the supermarket, service stations…wherever?

Good question.

Here are some more questions:

If The Boss is found to be wrong on the matter and it transpires that Maori own the water – well, how will the price of bottled water be affected? And tap water? And Tui beer, made from wonderful river water up the road a few kilometres from Eketahuna?

US has sadly forgotten we Kiwis were on their side against the scoundrels who bombed Pearl Harbour

The buggers who did this are back in Pearl Harbour as America’s mates – but New Zealand has been shunned.

The Americans have never rated highly as a civilized country, in Alf’s judgement, not since that nonsense in the 18th century when 13 colonies in North America joined together to break free from the British Empire, combining to become the United States of America.

Our history books tell us they first rejected the authority of the Parliament of Great Britain to govern them from overseas without representation.

This might have been fair enough in the circumstances, perhaps, if the parliamentarians then were as lack-lustre as the buggers running the show now.

The outrage is that the so-called American patriots then expelled all royal officials.

This – in Alf’s book – condemned them to be forever ranked away down there among the world’s more uncouth nations, regardless of the military muscle they can flex, which is ample enough to make them the mightiest country on earth today according to that crude measure.

If the NZ Herald’s John Armstrong had been a scribe at the time, Alf would have applauded him for describing the American action against the Crown as petty, petulant and pathetic.

Obviously the Americans haven’t become one whit more sophisticated, civilized or gracious since the days of the American Revolution.

Beneficiaries should pass lots of tests before they get their money, including a breeding test

The bloody NZ Herald was a bit behind the eight-ball, when it reported on The Boss’s defence of the latest round of welfare reforms. These reforms, admirable stuff, will result in benefits being cut for people who fail or refuse to take drug tests.

The Herald built its news report today on stuff broadcast on TVNZ’s Breakfast Show.

The details on new rules targeting beneficiaries who take drugs were being finalised by Social Development Minister Paula Bennett but could take effect next year, it said.

It referred to our campaigning on the matter last year.

Privatisation with a bonus – your Govt is working on some sweeteners (for those who need them)

The nation should be chuffed at the prospect of citizens being offered a bargain by their generous government.

Stuff (here) gives an account of what the deal might comprise.

Cheap share packets and bonus shares are being considered as the Government prepares its first sell-down of state-owned assets.

Stuff also says legislation for the sale of four energy companies was subject to fierce debate in Parliament yesterday, as it nears passage into law.

Dunno what a fierce debate is supposed to sound like.

A lot of futile hot air from the opposition, is how Alf would describe it.

Don’t crack down too hard on school bullies – they could grow up to become the country’s leader

It looks like Australia has opened another gap on us.

But in more than one respect the matter at issue is not quite as the NZ Herald headline suggested.

It says “Kiwi schools falling behind in bullying”.

Alf was taken aback: does this mean other countries are better at bullying than we are?

And if so, is that bad for us – or good for us, in these namby-pamby times when poofs are getting married and brats who beat up their teachers are dealt with leniently but teachers who dish out a bit of corporal punishment are sacked?

But the bloody heading is misleading.

For starters, we are not falling behind with our bullying.

We are falling behind with measures in schools to combat bullying.

It’s too bad Paula didn’t adopt the proposal to introduce mandatory chastity belts for the poor

If Sue and the others are not going to belt up about our contraception policy, we should introduce these…

Paula Bennett will be wishing she had listened to Alf.

He advised her not to go soft and wimpish by offering free long-term contraception for beneficiaries and their daughters.

Someone was bound to squawk in protest.

And because squawking in protest was inevitable – well, bugger it, let’s give ‘em something to squawk about.

So long as women are pocketing welfare benefits, let’s ensure they do not spawn a new generation of beneficiaries.

No, not by compulsory sterilisation. That would be apt to have the critics denounce we Nats as Nazis.