Little maybe lost his head on the royal birth – and an unforgiving Alf would ensure he didn’t get it back

May 3, 2015

Alf is dismayed that he has not been contacted by the news media to ascertain his reaction to the birth of another Royal.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s second child was born in the early hours of Saturday morning (UK time) and weighed 8 pounds 3 ounces (3.7 kilograms).

Probably the media hacks are sitting on their bums waiting for press statements.

There won’t be one – at least, not from Alf.

But he takes great pleasure in observing that other leaders have sent their congratulations.

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The best means of defence is attack, in Alf’s book – but Patricia Grace has different ideas

May 2, 2015

A sheila by name of Patricia Grace, a much-admired writer of books and stuff Alf is told, has popped up to declare her opposition to this country sending troops to war.

It is not clear if she distinguished between sending troops to fight a war or sending them to teach some other bugger to fight a war.

Perhaps this was clarified in the item broadcast from Radio NZ this week.

But a pointer to the item says:

One of New Zealand’s most celebrated authors, Patricia Grace, says New Zealand should not be going to war anywhere, including places in the Middle East such as Afghanistan.

Alf fancies himself not so much as a writer as a judge of good writing and immediately spotted a tautology.

If New Zealand did not go to war anywhere, then that would include the Middle East and Afghanistan.

It would include anywhere around this country, too, which would complicate planning at Defence Headquarters more than somewhat.

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It’s a great survival story – and it should be used to promote the great health story behind butter

May 1, 2015

The marketing folk at Fonterra should be hellbent on tracking down a fellow by name of Pemba Lama.

The lad was mentioned today in this BBC report:

A 15-year-old boy who was rescued from the rubble of Nepal’s earthquake, has said he survived because he found two containers of butter nearby.

Pemba Lama was pulled free after rescue workers from Nepal and the US worked for hours to release him from the rubble of a collapsed building in Kathmandu.

Butter has been apt to get a bad press over the past several years.

Mrs Grumble found this item on the The Great Butter Debate:

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An idea about child voters is hauled up the pole – but it’s not something those with sense will salute

April 30, 2015

An absurd idea put to the Justice and Electoral Committee is to give children a vote on the flag.

The first obvious objection is that there should be no vote because the flag we already have flies just fine, thank you.

The second is that we already have heaps of adults who should not be allowed to vote, so lowering the age limit to allow their spawn to share the privilege is too much for Alf to stomach.

But hey – there’s always some plonker ready to promote a silly idea.

And there’s always some political scribe only too willing to give it a bit of oxygen with a provocative introductory paragraph.

Stuff kicks off its report with a sentence suggesting this particular idea has much more legitimacy – and momentum – than it deserves:

New Zealand could be recognised as the first country in the world to give children the vote, starting with the flag referendum.

Yes, it could.

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Heavy rain is one story to explain airport ceiling’s collapse – but what about a change of name?

April 29, 2015

Wanna know what happens when you consider changing names of an airport?

This newspaper report gives us a clue:

Pieces of the ceiling fell on three people, including a teenage girl, in a “distressing” incident at Hawke’s Bay Airport earlier this month.

A woman who did not wish to be named said bits of a ceiling panel rained down on her, a mother and her 13-year-old daughter while they sat waiting for an early-morning flight on April 10.

The 13-year-old girl received the “brunt” of the debris, with it landing on her head and neck.

“There were three of us. Obviously we were in shock – there was water dripping down on us afterwards. Eventually, when one of the Air New Zealand ladies came over, she said the area was cordoned off a month before when there was a lot of rain. Somebody knew there wasn’t something right up there, somebody wasn’t ensuring the safety of the public.

“We went to line up [for the flight] after we’d brushed the sodden ceiling off us.”

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Chester shows off his improved education – but it’s how electorate voters mark him that matters

April 28, 2015

Chester Borrows draws a long bow today.

Alf makes this observation while acknowledging that his judgement is steeped in envy, because he missed out on the junket that Borrows is now defending.

The best means of defence, as Chester clearly knows, is attack.

So he is sticking it into the media for making a fuss about the cost of the junket that took him and a gaggle of other MPs to bits of Europe.

He is saying this treatment of the Speaker’s delegation shows it takes New Zealand’s democracy too lightly.

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Uh, oh – the Brits are moving towards reducing their health bill by hastening the ends of older patients

April 27, 2015
Alf is more likely to want to cling to life if a spunky nurse gives the mouth-to-mouth.

Actually, Alf is more likely to want to cling to life if a spunky female medic gives the mouth-to-mouth.

It won’t be too long before the Grumbles will have to give England a miss in their travel plans.

This will be highly disappointing for them, because while they don’t much admire your basic Pom they do admire the Royals. And England is where the Royals (the ones who matter) happen to live.

But age is catching up on the Grumbles and soon it looks like they might find themselves on a one-way ticket if they visited the land of Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and what-have-you and went down with a tummy bug or some-such.

Especially if their ailments led them to a stay in hospital.

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