Things have come to a pretty pass when the hacks in the Parliamentary Press Gallery ignore the brilliant oratory and carefully reasoned press statements from the long-serving and much-admired Member for Eketahuna North.
The bloody Dominion-Post hasn’t had a word to say about me (good, bad or indifferent) since that unfortunate incident when my tractor Betsy ran into trouble just out of Eketahuna, and I never made it to the farmers’ big demo against the Labour Government’s loony fart tax a few years back. If Betsy hadn’t run into a Fonterra truck rolling out of Fred Muggins’ driveway. it would have been me who drove the tractor up the steps of Parliament and won world-wide headlines for being a stroppy bugger prepared to shed blood for a good cause.
I did shed blood, of course, but that was at Fred Muggins’ gate when the Fonterra truck driver punched me on the nose for spilling a few thousand litres of his precious milk. I lost lots of brownie points with the greenies, too, who were banging on for days about the environmental mischief I had caused through my momentary lapse of concentration at Betsy’s steering wheel. But you know what they say about crying over spilt milk…
As for spreading the good word about my accomplishments to the people of my electorate, the Eketahuna Howler has inexplicably been closed by the Fairfax mob. Bastards. Big bucks drive them more than does any urge to carry out their civic duty as members of the Fourth Estate and to keep the good folks of Eketahuna fully apprised of goings-on in the capital.
No matter. Alf is about to become a blogger and will get his message through to his people via the web. You will find him a keen supporter of the Key Government’s efforts to install efficient broadband services around the country. You won’t find him supporting Rodney Hide’s daft efforts to have the science of climate change examined, because anyone who wears a silly yellow jacket is sartorially suspect and not deserving of support. Anyway, Alf reckons the climate is changing. The chilly reception he got from the missus when he reeled in last night can’t be put down simply to her dismay at his tired and emotional behaviour. It was aided and abetted – you can be sure – by a drop in temperatures generally.
But Alf promises to warm things up.