How to fry a kid’s brains around the campfire

Wanna know what happened to the lunatics when we closed the asylums?

Alf has long harboured the suspicion that many of them infiltrated the country’s education system and became teachers.

His suspicion has been strongly fortified by news that staff at Remarkables Primary School are set to adopt some remarkable job titles when it opens next year.

Teachers will be known as “expedition leaders”, while the school receptionist will become the “director of first impressions”.

Alf wonders if the school has tumbled to the dangers of creating a bad first impression by hiring an ugly receptionist.

The reason for these linguistic absurdities?

Principal Debbie Dickson said the staff had been given titles that reflected the school philosophy of teaching and learning.

“Through our curriculum the children are going through learning pathways … and as learners there are many pathways – the expedition leaders guide them through that learning.

“The director of first impressions is Angela (Murray), in the sense that she will greet most of the visitors into the school and so we wanted to give her that title.”

What a load of bollocks.

So what other language-warping notions will the kids at this school – if that’s the right word for it – bring out into the world of harsh reality where people are apt to call a spade a spade, if not a bloody shovel?

Head teachers Melissa Mitchell-Bain and Grant Hammond are to be “learning community leaders”, and will each oversee a group of four classrooms, known as a “learning pod”.

Job titles for Ms Dickson and deputy principal Sarah Graham are still being worked on.

So will the kids be taught in classrooms?

Don’t be daft.

The school has also adopted unconventional names for parts of its campus – teaching spaces are “campfires”, meeting places are “watering holes” and small one-on-one areas are “caves”.

The buggers are still thinking about whether pupils will address their expedition leaders using traditional honorifics or their first names.

“We need to talk about that as a whole staff. At the present time it is conventional names but it’s something we will discuss further as we journey forward.”

The first stage of the $17.3 million, 460-pupil school opens to year 1 and 2 pupils on February 4.

Alf hopes he is still around in a few years when the first batch of brain-boggled expeditionaries emerge from their remarkable learning experience.

And no, he won’t be writing to Scotland to ask that the Teachers whisky makers get with it and change their brand name to Expedition Leader. They would think he has overdosed on their splendid product.

As for telling Mrs Grumble he is off to the watering hole for an important political meeting…

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