Enterprising All Blacks should be offside with all of us until they start peddling the water of life

A good reason to

Want to know why we should avoid water? Here's what frisky fish do to it with their spawning habits.

The All Blacks too often leave Alf disappointed, for their antics off the field as well as their performances on it.

The three All Blacks accused of short-changing former partners in a bottled water business serve as an example.

Richie McCaw, Dan Carter and Ali Williams have been accused of collecting business contacts from three associates in one company, then dumping them to set up a rival operation.

But Carter and McCaw’s lawyer Warren Alcock strongly rejected the allegations yesterday.

“I’ve been advising Richie for 10 years and Dan for about eight, and I have never known them in anything they’ve done – in life, business or rugby – that hasn’t been above the line,” he said.


As the HoS tells us today, the All Blacks were involved with Patrick Patel, Frank Ruka (who have been business partners in a bottled water company called 5 Degrees since 2006 and Abby Williams.

A new company called Premium New Zealand Trading Company was formed subsequently, with the All Blacks as the only shareholders selling product under the brand Water for Everyone.

Ruka and Patel are obvikously pissed off with whatever happened and are saying very unkind things about the All Blacks’ business ethics.

The full facts may not be known until the matter gets into court, but…

Alcock confirmed the All Blacks had been involved with Patel, Ruka and Abby Williams, but said the relationship disintegrated after the trio became concerned about Patel failing to disclose his bankruptcy and the non-delivery of promised contracts.

“They did have an initial relationship with them … but, fundamentally, if you’re going into business with someone you have to trust them,” said Alcock.

Patel said he had disclosed his bankruptcy and disputed Alcock’s contracts allegation.

Ali Williams wouldn’t comment yesterday.

Dean Hegan, agent for McCaw and Carter, said his charges would also stay quiet.

Whatever has happened in this wrange, Alf has no sympathy with the All Blacks and any tainting of their image that might result from the claim and counter-claim.

Any bugger who takes something as basic as water, packages it in a plastic bottle and sells it under a fancy label for an even fancier price is not deserving of respect.

Anyone who buys the stuff, of course, should be tossed into a loony bin.

It is plain to Alf – and has been for a considerable number of years – that drinking water straight is not good for your health.

He asks: where do fish fornicate? In water, dear reader.

There are millions of the spawning wee rascals out there in our oceans, lakes, rivers and ponds.

Alf still remembers the day his pastor was denouncing the demon drink from the pulpit.

The pastor illustrated his lesson by dropping a worm into a glass of water (it lived) and another into a glass of alcohol (it soon died).

He invited the congregation to tell him what they had learned from this demonstration.

One bloke quite rightly said the lesson was that you should drink booze if you want to get rid of your worms. Alf has been drinking alcohol ever since. Whisky is his favourite tipple.

Alf moreover observes that

Whisky is a shortened form of usquebaugh, which English borrowed from Irish Gaelic uisce beatha and Scottish Gaelic uisge beatha. This compound descends from Old Irish uisce, “water”, and bethad, “of life” and meaning literally “water of life”.

If the All Blacks want to get back on side with Alf, they should pull the plug on water and get into the whisky distilling business.

The water of life.

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