Why join the Pelican Club for an escort when you can get one from your second-hand car dealer?

So what would we do with over 100 ladies at the Eketahuna Club?

We sometimes express our bemusement at the services available in big cities and the demand for them, down here at the Eketahuna Club.

Take for example the goings-on at Auckland’s Pelican Club.

Unlike the Eketahuna Club, the Pelican Club boasts a website which brays about some eyebrow-raising attractions, such as meeting the sexiest women in Auckland.

It seems to place more emphasis on massage and escorts than on liquor, which Alf regards as highly discouraging.

Alternatively we can bring a Gorgeous lady to your home, workplace or hotel anywhere in Auckland in 15 minutes for only $20 extra. Enjoy our hospitality with absolutely no obligation. Our ladies are stunning, our premises fabulous and our service guaranteed.

> Discrete parking

> Credit Card facilities available

> Over 100 Ladies Available

> Open 24 Hours 7 days a week

> Private Bar

Good grief. What’s all this stuff about over 100 ladies being available? The whole point of ducking down to the Eketahuna Club is to get away from womenfolk for an hour or so.

And why would Alf want a woman brought around to his workplace or hotel?

When he’s at the office, he already has an assistant who takes care of the phones, his appointment book, his correspondence and so on.

When he stays at a hotel, staff are provided to clean the room, make the bed, take care of the laundry and so on (unlike Dr Brash, Alf does not personally take care of his smalls in his hotel bathroom)

And if ever he needs a massage, Mrs Grumble can do the trick for him, although she is apt to be a tad heavy-handed with the liniment.

Alf and his mates are therefore astonished to learn about an Auckland radio station that has pulled a competition in which it was giving away free massages at the aforementioned Pelican Club, which the Herald describes as an Auckland brothel.

The George FM midday show, hosted by station founder Thane Kirby, is sponsored by The Pelican Club, which regularly offers giveaways on the show.

Drink vouchers are the usual prizes but several weeks ago it offered free “massages” from the girls at the club.

One prize is believed to have been given out. Emily Turnbull, station manager at George FM, said once she realised the massages were being given away, she canned the promotion.

“It happened for about a week but after learning of it I told the guys to pull it down,” she said.

It seems the radio show has been sponsored by the Pelican Club for three months and it has just signed to continue for another three months.

Pelican Club owner Lyn Kingsnorth said the sponsorship deal had pulled in new customers.

“It’s been good for the club,” she said. “We are getting some very positive feedback.”

And, to anyone who had a problem with it being on the radio, she added: “People need to remember it is legal now. There are always some people who complain about these sorts of things.”

Dunno what they would make of the idea at Radio Eketahuna 2ZE FM. Not much, Alf suspects, if only because the Eketahuna Club is the only possible sponsor – at least so far as he knows.

The Eketahuna Club would find it hard to muster over 100 girls who were willing to administer massages to prize winners. It doesn’t desperately need a membership drive, anyway.

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