Booze, beaches and brothers – a deadly concoction when you throw in stupidity and car-surfing

July 22, 2010

Alf is bothered by the ruling of a judge who has decided against sending an idiot to the slammer.

A judge says a man who killed his younger brother in a drunken car-surfing accident on Mt Maunganui beach would be behind bars if it was “someone else’s kid”.

Instead, Luke McGregor was sentenced yesterday to five months’ home detention after the accident that claimed the life of his brother Jordan.

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If making quad bikes safer is the smart thing to do, then don’t expect MPs to get it done

July 21, 2010

Some people seem to think passing a new law will take care of just about anything, including the prevention of death and maybe baldness, too.

Take the case of the Wellington coroner, a bloke called Ian Smith, who is reported to have denounced Parliament for failing to bolster laws to make quad bikes safer.

He reckons such changes could have saved the life of a young beekeeper.

Maybe they would.

But we have laws to deal with murderers, and they don’t stop murders; we have laws to deal with thieves, and they don’t stop theft; we even have a Fiscal Responsibility Act to foster fiscal responsibility, although it can not ensure fiscal responsbility, especially under a Labour government.

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Here’s how we spare future generations from the ill-effects of Labour government – we stop breeding

July 20, 2010

Kiwis have become strong on coupling, but not on breeding.

A bemused Alf makes this observation after reading about Statistics New Zealand family and household projections that show we had more couples without children at home than couples with children at home in 2008. This was the first time this had happened since at least World War II.

Traditional families of Mum, Dad and the kids are projected to shrink further from 31 per cent of all adults aged 18 and over in 2006 to just 23 per cent by 2031.

Couples without children at home are tipped to rise from 30 per cent to 36 per cent of adults, and adults living alone or with flatmates or in other non-family households will rise from 20 per cent to 23 per cent.

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Betcha at least one of the thieving buggers is a descendant of someone like Ned Kelly

July 19, 2010

Alf is by no means astonished to learn of the antics of the group of Australian schoolboys who were caught shoplifting $6000 worth of goods in Queenstown.

Never mind that stuff about the buggers coming from an elite Catholic college.

The fact is they are Australians. Hence they are bound to be the great, great (several times) grandsons of convicts shipped to the colonies back in the 1800s and so are genetically programmed to be light-fingered.

Between then and now the Aussies (suffering from this urge to pilfer) have stolen the pavlova, Phar Lap and enough indigenous people to make up for a group called The Stolen Generation.

Police said the shoplifting spree happened between 2pm and 6pm, and affected seven stores.

R&R Sport sales assistant Kate Long told the Otago Daily Times shop staff became suspicious and questioned the group after they took ski garments into the changing rooms.

Some of the boys ran off when challenged, but were quickly found waiting for a bus with teachers.

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Let’s extend the 90-day trial period to politicians before they can become entrenched as troughers

July 18, 2010

The Government is about to do employers a big favour, with its plans to extend the 90-day trial period for hiring staff.

The trial period allows the boss to fire a new worker within the first three months of hiring him or her, without the fired worker – or drone, more like it – having the right to take one of those bloody vexing and costly personal grievance cases.

The idea, as Alf understands it, is to extend the scheme to companies with more than 20 workers, as part of a package of workplace law reforms.

Obviously this will ease the way for bosses to get rid of any recently hired staffer who turns out to be a drone, a pain in the arse, a trouble-maker, or whatever.

The percentage of such people – by the way – is much greater than Alf had previously understood.

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Someone’s Mum has brought her citizenship into question by calling for a weakening of the All Blacks

July 17, 2010

The presumption of innocence and its importance in a just and decent society is not as well understood or zealously championed as it should be.

Worse, some citizens who would deny others the presumption of innocence show deeper flaws. They make themselves candidates for deportation by wanting to weaken the All Black team.

This is tantamount to treason, and would be treason, if Alf had his say in definining this very serious offence against the state. Every self-respecting Kiwi should have a powerful urge to see the crap beaten out of the Springboks on the rugby field.

Any hint of this urge being diluted should disqualify people from citizenship.

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Brash, budgets and bollocks – a story about task force spending has downplayed the savings

July 16, 2010

At first blush, Alf was tempted to think it’s a bloody good thing we Nats dumped Don Brash and opted for John Key as our leader.

Alf has a lot of time for dear old Don, but it seemed the bugger hasn’t kept his 2025 task force costs under control, and the task force’s budget is miniscule compared with the Government’s budget, which Bill English is keeping under very strict control.

If Don happened to be our PM, in other words, who knows how deeply into the shit we would have sunk by now.

Alf’s musings on the prospects of a budgetary blowout in the billions of dollars were triggered by a headline in the Dom-Post:

Brash blows fees budget

Bugger me, Alf muttered (as he is apt to do on being astonished by disconcerting news about his colleagues and mates).

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This dolphin is decidedly dead, so just put a fire under him and turn Moko into smoko

July 15, 2010

If Moko has done us a favour, besides being a great attraction for tourists, it has been in bringing a bunch of sad bastards to public attention.

These sad bastards all want a slice of the action when Moko is buried.

Moko the Dolphin will be buried on the island where his body was found, while the town of Whakatane will host a memorial service.

Department of Conservation Tauranga area manager, Andrew Baucke, said yesterday that the animal would be laid to rest on Matakana Island, near Mt Maunganui, where it was found dead last week.

So far, so good.

But Kiwis have a desperate urge to create and become obsessed with the activities of celebrities, and this includes animals (such as Shrek the sheep and more recently, ye gods, Paul the bloody psychic octopus).

Some go further and regard certain creatures as sacred.

Simply burying Moko is not enough for these sad bastards. They demand ceremonies, and so…

DoC also announced its decision to hold a memorial service in Whakatane.

A memorial service for what by now is a heap of bones and rotting blubber?

They’ve gotta be joking.

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We hereby nominate not only a Kiwi Battler, but an extremely modest Kiwi Battler

July 14, 2010

Organisers of the Kiwi Battler competition need look no further.

Alf is their man, as everybody in his community (unless some Labourites or Greenies have sneaked into town) will tell you.

He is excited at the prospect of being appropriately recognised after learning that a nationwide search for charities, groups or individuals who battle against the odds or fight the extra mile for their community is being launched today.

The Kiwi Battler competition has been set up by Gareth and Joanne Morgan, whose trust will award $30,000 to the winner’s favourite charity.

Dr Morgan said much of the couple’s charity work was focused on overseas projects, but they now wanted to reward Kiwis working hard for their communities at home.

“It’s not just about the winner. I’m just looking for stories of people who in a pretty unheralded way have made a major contribution to their community.”

There can be little doubting the major contribution Alf has made to his community.

The unheralded bit, alas, is a consequence of the gross negligence of bloody hacks in the Parliamentary press gallery – Barry Soper and the likes – who persistently ignore Alf’s media statements and his wonderful speeches in the House.

Battler nominations are being sought from the public, the Dominion-Post explains, and Dr Morgan is hoping for a big response.

The winners will get $1000 for themselves and $10,000 for their favourite charity.

The Eketahuna Club probably doesn’t count as a charity.

In that case, Alf would consider donating the money to an outfit like Save The Krill.

Science Media Centre’s involvement in the fat fight is folly – and it looks like propaganda too

July 13, 2010

Dunno what the bloody Science Media Centre thinks it’s up to, but Alf draws his constituents’ attention to its participation in a Maori Party political stunt.

He was alerted to these antics by a report in the Herald today saying…

A panel of experts will take part in an online seminar this morning to assess whether New Zealand should scrap GST on healthy foods.

The seminar, run by the Science Media Centre, comes ahead of the first reading of a Maori Party bill calling for GST-free healthy foods.

It will hear from a range of nutritional experts on the potential implications for the country’s public health if such a bill were to go through.

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