Alf today is making a public declaration about his sexuality: he is not and never has been a poofter.
He does this in anticipation of being appointed – it’s an inevitability, really – to a ministerial post some day.
He wishes to avoid falling foul of constituency officials here in Eketahuna North, as has happened to one of the British government’s ministers.
According to The Telegraph, Senior Conservatives in Crispin Blunt’s constituency turned on the Tory prisons minister after he left his wife and declared he was homosexual.
Crispin Blunt announced on Friday that he was leaving his wife of almost 20 years
Members of the Reigate Conservative Association said they were unhappy that their MP had hidden his sexuality.
The silly bugger is paying the price for failing to fess up long ago to his gender confusion.
The Tories – at first blush – simply wanted him to be honest.
No, wrong. At second blush, it transpires that if he had fessed up long ago, chances are he would not now be a member of Parliament and prisons minister.
Tony Collinson, the former association chairman, who was on the selection panel when Mr Blunt was first chosen for the seat in 1997, said he would never have been picked if the truth had been known at the time.
“One of the reasons [he was selected] was because he had a nice, compact, family unit. He made quite a bit of it,” said Mr Collinson, who gave up the chairmanship six years ago.
“I’m a little disappointed with the news because I don’t think he would necessarily have been chosen had he come out then.”
If they had wanted a red-blooded bloke with no doubts about which team he was playing on, mind you, they should not have endorsed someone with a name like Crispin, which was simply asking for trouble.
Dunno what Blunt’s missus, Victoria, makes of it all.
They had been married for almost 20 years and the couple have a son and daughter.
When he announced his emergence from the closet or whatever it is these people come out of, Blunt insisted no one else was involved and friends said his statement was not precipitated by an imminent newspaper exposé.
So does being a poof affect how he does his prisons job?
Maybe it does.
Until yesterday, Mr Blunt was best known as the minister who tried to pave the way for fancy-dress parties and comedy workshops in prison.
Alf was bemused by this.
Fancy-dress parties in prison?
Does this mean Blunt was paving the way for jailbirds in drag?
And what about comedy workshops?
Was he intending workshops be conducted by the likes of Julian Clary and Graham Norton?
Alf had to track down an earlier report for enlightenment on these matters.
Blunt had announced he was scrapping prison rules banning fancy-dress parties and comedy workshops, something which had infuriated Downing Street aides.
Mr Cameron’s office said the ban would not be lifted and let it be known that Mr Blunt had been “bitch-slapped” for his mistake.
This earlier report threw a bit more light on Blunt’s announcement:
The statement from Mr Blunt’s office said: “Crispin Blunt wishes to make it known that he has separated from his wife Victoria. He decided to come to terms with his homosexuality and explained the position to his family. The consequence is this separation.
“There is no third party involvement, but this is difficult for his immediate and wider family and he hopes for understanding and support for them. The family do not wish to make any further public comment and hope that their privacy will be respected as they deal with these difficult private issues.” Downing Street said the statement was a “personal matter”.
The MP’s constituency association in Reigate, Surrey, also said it would not affect his position and wished his family well.
Oh, and let the record show that the Telegraph has been keeping tabs on the sexual romps in Tory circles.
The Prime Minister’s office is already becoming accustomed to dealing with such sensitive issues after David Laws announced he was homosexual and Chris Huhne said he was leaving his wife for another woman.
That’s two poofters emerging from the closet and one red-blooded bloke gone off to have rumpy-pumpy with a sheila. More gaiety than Alf can cope with, really.