No, it aint bollocks – taxpayers are enabling beneficiaries to over-ride being banned from driving

October 31, 2010

Check out Alf’s previous post. It featured a set of balls.

Pretty balls they are too.

Today Alf wonders if they belong to Paula Bennett, because it seems she has lost hers.

Read the rest of this entry »

Your kiddies would probably walk strangley, if they used these balls as instructed

October 30, 2010

The case for subsidising this D.vice product was demolished faster than you can say hobbit.

Alf is bemused by news of a fuss about something called “sex toys” on display at the ASG Parent and Child Show.

Organisers have asked the exhibitor of these toys to tone down her display.

Pushchairs, carseats and cots are the usual fare at these events.

These sex toys – whatever they might be – apparently stand out like dogs’ balls, so to speak, and according to The Herald –

Read the rest of this entry »

Trespass orders be buggered – send in the Army to kick out the pesky Popata brothers

October 29, 2010

Welcome for coffee and a chat, folks - we recommend the flat white.

Chris Finlayson’s blather gives Alf a serious dose of the shits, on occasions.

Question Time in Parliament yesterday was yet another occasion.

Questioned in his role as Attorney-General about some Maori howz-your-father in the Far North, the bugger did his damndest to avoid denouncing the ratbags involved.

But denunciation was especially in order on this occasion, because two of the ratbags should have been in jail (for a considerable time) for roughing up our Prime Minister at Waitangi.

Alf would have jailed them for a few decades, then deported them to the land of their ancestors, which he believes is Hawaiki.

But the justice system let us down badly on that score, and now the Popata brothers are up to their tricks again.

Read the rest of this entry »

It’s just like Saudi Arabia – you can get stoned legally, so long as you over the age of 18

October 28, 2010

But how how can you tell if a Southlander is stoned...or is just another Southlander?

Alf has been alerted to another product that is being peddled to sad bastards who want to get stoned.

His personal advice to such people is to head for a country like Saudi Arabia, commit adultery, and be legally stoned.

But it seems you can get legally stoned in this country by smoking Kronic.

An Invercargill mother is complaining that her teenage son came home showing all the signs of being stoned out of his brain after smoking the stuff.

Mind you, in Southland they breed people who look like they are stoned out of their brains pretty well all of the time, although they have consumed nothing more potent than mutton birds, oysters, swedes and Speights.

Read the rest of this entry »

Ministry’s grim report on the quality of drinking water should turn us towards health-enhancing liquor

October 27, 2010

Ducks crap in it and fish fornicate in it.

Alf is delighted that a Ministry of Health survey upholds the prudence of his practice of drinking nothing that has not been (a) boiled or (b) bottled as booze.

His liquid intake essentially comes from lots of coffee and plenty of good liquor.

He has aired the health benefits of booze in a previous post.

Today he is pleased to pass on the gist of a report which gives umpteen good reasons for steering clear of water as a thirst quencher.

We just don’t know where it has been.

Read the rest of this entry »

Those Chilean miners would not have been imperilled if they had taken a kaumatua’s spiritual advice

October 26, 2010

The spooks are on the march.

Last heard of somewhere in the bowels of Te Papa, a place best avoided by menstruating and pregnant women, the wee buggers have infested the Waitomo Caves, too.

Alf has it on good authority they have travelled world-wide and account – among other things – for the recent Chilean mine collapse.

Or rather, a failure to observe the right protocols in places where the spirits have taken up residence led inevitably to the collapse.

Read the rest of this entry »

As the movie moguls fly in, Phil Goff flies out – but will he confront Simon Whipp?

October 25, 2010

The good news: Phil Goff is off to Australia.

The bad news: he has a return ticket.

But he won’t be back in time to help or hamper desperate effort to repair the damage done by threats of an international actors’ boycott of The Hobbit.

Read the rest of this entry »