No, it aint bollocks – taxpayers are enabling beneficiaries to over-ride being banned from driving

Check out Alf’s previous post. It featured a set of balls.

Pretty balls they are too.

Today Alf wonders if they belong to Paula Bennett, because it seems she has lost hers.

Your kiddies would probably walk strangley, if they used these balls as instructed

The case for subsidising this D.vice product was demolished faster than you can say hobbit.

Alf is bemused by news of a fuss about something called “sex toys” on display at the ASG Parent and Child Show.

Organisers have asked the exhibitor of these toys to tone down her display.

Pushchairs, carseats and cots are the usual fare at these events.

These sex toys – whatever they might be – apparently stand out like dogs’ balls, so to speak, and according to The Herald –

Trespass orders be buggered – send in the Army to kick out the pesky Popata brothers

Welcome for coffee and a chat, folks - we recommend the flat white.

Chris Finlayson’s blather gives Alf a serious dose of the shits, on occasions.

Question Time in Parliament yesterday was yet another occasion.

Questioned in his role as Attorney-General about some Maori howz-your-father in the Far North, the bugger did his damndest to avoid denouncing the ratbags involved.

But denunciation was especially in order on this occasion, because two of the ratbags should have been in jail (for a considerable time) for roughing up our Prime Minister at Waitangi.

Alf would have jailed them for a few decades, then deported them to the land of their ancestors, which he believes is Hawaiki.

But the justice system let us down badly on that score, and now the Popata brothers are up to their tricks again.

It’s just like Saudi Arabia – you can get stoned legally, so long as you over the age of 18

But how how can you tell if a Southlander is stoned...or is just another Southlander?

Alf has been alerted to another product that is being peddled to sad bastards who want to get stoned.

His personal advice to such people is to head for a country like Saudi Arabia, commit adultery, and be legally stoned.

But it seems you can get legally stoned in this country by smoking Kronic.

An Invercargill mother is complaining that her teenage son came home showing all the signs of being stoned out of his brain after smoking the stuff.

Mind you, in Southland they breed people who look like they are stoned out of their brains pretty well all of the time, although they have consumed nothing more potent than mutton birds, oysters, swedes and Speights.

Ministry’s grim report on the quality of drinking water should turn us towards health-enhancing liquor

Ducks crap in it and fish fornicate in it.

Alf is delighted that a Ministry of Health survey upholds the prudence of his practice of drinking nothing that has not been (a) boiled or (b) bottled as booze.

His liquid intake essentially comes from lots of coffee and plenty of good liquor.

He has aired the health benefits of booze in a previous post.

Today he is pleased to pass on the gist of a report which gives umpteen good reasons for steering clear of water as a thirst quencher.

We just don’t know where it has been.

Those Chilean miners would not have been imperilled if they had taken a kaumatua’s spiritual advice

The spooks are on the march.

Last heard of somewhere in the bowels of Te Papa, a place best avoided by menstruating and pregnant women, the wee buggers have infested the Waitomo Caves, too.

Alf has it on good authority they have travelled world-wide and account – among other things – for the recent Chilean mine collapse.

Or rather, a failure to observe the right protocols in places where the spirits have taken up residence led inevitably to the collapse.

As the movie moguls fly in, Phil Goff flies out – but will he confront Simon Whipp?

The good news: Phil Goff is off to Australia.

The bad news: he has a return ticket.

But he won’t be back in time to help or hamper desperate effort to repair the damage done by threats of an international actors’ boycott of The Hobbit.

First, you pledge to limit your drinking – and soon it becomes a pledge to eschew all booze

Here's what Alf recommends - a German beer stein with a capacity of 31.99 litres.

Just one glass will do me tonight, barman. Make it a scotch in the bigger one, please.

No, Alf has not become a wowser and he will not be signing up in support of the Herald on Sunday’s Two Drinks Max campaign.

But at first glimpse – he confesses – he thought the campaign had a great thing going for it: it is promoting the idea that we should do what we think is best, not what the bloody prohibitionists or the Government thinks is best.

This is a worthy approach, thoroughly in tune with Alf’s libertarian instincts.

Editor Bryce John says –

Sometimes life it is nice not to have to be told to do the right thing. You know it’s right; you just do it.

The Herald on Sunday campaign launching today – Two Drinks Max – is one of those times. Our Government, for reasons we think are pretty lightweight, is not moving to reduce the amount of alcohol you can drink before you drive.

In doing so it is passing up the chance to save lives. Our poll proves the New Zealand public know this, and want the rules changed.

But we don’t need legislation. The power is in our hands to ensure we drive safely, and pledging not to drink after having any more than two standard drinks is the way to do it.

Laudable sentiments.

A simple way of avoiding a messy divorce and marital property dispute – just marry yourself

How to avoid becoming a beaten wife.

Alf is perplexed by the prospect of the idea catching on, after reading of Chen Wei-yih’s wedding.

The Telegraph reports on how the woman posed for a set of photos in a flowing white dress, enlisted a wedding planner and rented a banquet hall for a marriage celebration with 30 friends.

Uninspired by the men she’s met but facing social pressure to get married, the 30-year-old office worker from Taipei will hold the reception next month.

“Age thirty is a prime period for me. My work and experience are in good shape, but I haven’t found a partner, so what can I do?” Chen said.

“It’s not that I’m anti-marriage. I just hope that I can express a different idea within the bounds of a tradition.”

Gerry and the film-makers – or how to grovel to keep The Hobbit from emigrating

Betcha Gerry will come up with a bigger subsidy if I threaten to stick this up him.

Size does matter, of course, and if you are big enough you can get the Key cabinet to turn all sorts of tricks for you.

Especially when Hollywood movie moguls are involved, Alf’s Nat mates are eager to perform – and to please.

Want new labour laws?

Yep. We can fix it.

Want bigger subsidies?

Yep. We can fix that too.