More reasons to steer clear of Christchurch: there’s a risk you will encounter a trike-riding lunatic

And if we catch you speeding, young man, we can take your trike to the crusher.

Uh, oh. More evidence has reached Alf of Christchurch people being a seriously below-average lot.

He hears of the cops worrying about the young folk in the shaky city careering through the suburbs on stunt tricycles at more than 100kmh.

The police say these young folk are putting lives at risk, which is obvious to anyone with even just a few brain cells to rub together.

Alf would not be too fussed if the lives put at risk were only those of the thrill-seekers. This would qualify them – if they do us a favour and get wiped out – for Darwin Awards.

Trouble is, the victims may well finish up being innocent people.

The Darwin Awards, of course, salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it.

Among the recipients last year were the couple who parked their car on a busy freeway in heavy fog for a quick shag.

A young couple, driving along Via Dutra, the largest freeway in Brazil with tons of heavy traffic, at 6AM under heavy fog. The couple decided that this was the time to park (for “dating” according to the charming Google translation) and, yes, they parked on the freeway in the right-hand lane, not on the shoulder, the median, or at a gas station. Naturally, given time a cargo truck encountered a “speed bump,” instantly killing both — during the act of procreation…

The report does not say if they were locals. Alf would not be surprised to learn they were tourists and – moreover – that they had come from Christchurch.

Let’s catch up on today’s news at Stuff about the goings-on down there.

Complaints have poured in to the cops from residents in hill suburbs.

These suburbs, according to the police who talks to Stuff, “have become haunts for riders of so-called drift trikes and skateboarders most weekends”.

Senior Sergeant Glenn Nalder, of the Canterbury road policing unit, said residents of Huntsbury and neighbouring areas had reported trikes travelling quickly, on the wrong side of the road, and at night.

“They are, by definition, on the edge of control and are limited in evasive action. Drift-trike riders take their lives in their hands and there’s a risk that sooner or later one of these riders will suffer serious injury or death,” Nalder said.


Christchurch people might be content to put up with being lower than average, but Alf reckons we must stop the city’s more extreme lunatics from reproducing if the human genome is not to be further debased.


What other word should we apply to people who engage in this sort of thing?

The trikes have no motors. High speeds can only be reached on them by riding on steep terrain and riders make the descent more thrilling, but also more dangerous, by skidding around corners.

A Huntsbury resident said the tricycles, along with downhill skateboarders, were a common hazard.

We further learn that these buggers have huge egos, to compensate for their dearth of common sense perhaps.

YouTube is littered with videos of drift-trike riders and skateboarders racing down roads such as Major Aitken Dr, Huntsbury Ave and Clifton Tce in Sumner.

The videos show riders crossing the centre-line and passing close to oncoming vehicles.

But the puzzle is why the cops don’t round up the buggers and have their vehicles crushed, because – according to Nalder – skateboards and drift trikes are classified as vehicles under the Land Transport Act and riders are obliged to follow the road rules.

Offences committed on the skateboards or drift trikes could lead to riders losing their driving licences.

Police would patrol hill suburbs and would prosecute riders if necessary, he said.

Alf will be raising this with Crusher Collins. It seems the cops are as lax in dealing with this obvious road menace as they are in reforming the police culture.

They might usefully start by pulling in one Matt Howard, 24, of Wainoni, who is on record as saying he and friends regularly take their drift trikes down Major Aitken Dr or Clifton Tce.

Howard, a service engineer, said he designed and assembled his own drift trikes.

“Our trikes can do 125kmh down the hill. I’ve been followed by a car doing 110kmh and I’ve pulled away from it,” he said.

That looks like a confession to Alf. So go get him.

2 Responses to More reasons to steer clear of Christchurch: there’s a risk you will encounter a trike-riding lunatic

  1. Darryl says:

    Where the hell is Eketahuna?

    • Alf Grumble says:

      If Darryl will say what planet he is on, Alf will gladly explain how he can find his way to Eketahuna, between Masterton and Pahiatua.

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