Has Phil Goff taken to the bottle? And poured its contents over his head?

If Phil Goff could look like this, Mrs Grumble would vote Labour.

Dunno which of Labour’s image-polishers got at Goff over the holidays, but somehow the bugger has come back with his hair a shade darker.

At least, that’s what the parliamentary hacks are braying, and they have an eye for this sort of thing, mainly because it is a helluva lot easier to be expert in the modifying of a bloke’s image than to analyse his policies and their economic ramifications.

Presumably a darkening of Goff’s bonce is intended to make him more attractive to voters and give him a lift up the opinion polls from a position perturbingly close (from a Labour point of view) to their base.

But Mrs Grumble, who is Alf’s authority in these matters, says she thinks women would much prefer the pepper-and-salt look of someone like George Clooney.

In fact if Phil Goff were to look like George, she would vote Labour, she says. If he were to look like Sean Connery, she would do the same.

But he looks like Phil Goff, even with darker hair, and that’s a turn-off for her.

Moreover, she is disappointed that Goff won’t fess up to what he has done.

Labour leader Phil Goff has been asked the big question: has he been indulging in the dark art of Grecian 2000?

He appeared at the New Lynn community centre yesterday for his state-of- the-nation address armed with new policies and a new bloom to his hair.

Mr Goff would neither confirm nor deny if he had it coloured, simply suggesting Prime Minister John Key be asked the same question.

So what’s that all about?

Either he has touched up his hair, or he hasn’t.

If he has, he must have done it for a purpose and presumably that purpose was to make him look more attractive, rather than make him look less attractive, although when it comes to Labour politicians and their strategies for winning support you can never be sure.

If he did do it to make himself more (or maybe less) attractive, he should have expected somone to notice. Otherwise it was not worth the cost of the bottle of whatever was applied to his tresses.

And if he expected somone to notice, he should have expected someone to ask how he did it.

If he did not anticipate media questioning, he is dafter than we Nats had previously thought, and we had him down as dafter than the silliest chook in a henhouse.

The media did ask John Key about his hair, by the way.

He said his own locks were…

“100 per cent au naturel. It’s falling out, but it’s not changing colour”.

He said he would not think less of Mr Goff if he dyed his hair.

The Herald report makes palpably plain why Goff was being remarkably dim-witted if he thought nobody would notice.

In a reversal of the usual photoshopping chicanery, a large picture of Phil Goff with very silver wings loomed behind him while he spoke. In front of it stood the live version with just the merest hint of grey.

The Herald has been helpful to Goff by consulting style guru Colin Mathuru-Jeffree about the Labour leader’s new image.

He said said Goff had nothing to be ashamed of and should simply own up to it.

“There’s nothing wrong with it as long as it’s not ridiculous. People who colour their hair do it for pure vanity – to look healthy and more youthful. A politician should always represent strength and power, and that always comes with looking younger.”

But he agreed with Mrs Grumble in advising Goff to learn how to walk (an important first step before a politician runs for office).

“He does this funny walk. If this one wants to be Prime Minister, it’s all about the walk. He’s got the hair now, I’ll teach him the walk.”

Alf recalls the image-makers stuffing things up for Geoffrey Palmer by persuading him to be photographed blowing his trumpet on a Beehive balcony with some visiting jazz player.

The public doesn’t much approve of politicians who are adept at blowing their own trumpets. His leadership of the Labour Party was remarkably short-lived.

4 Responses to Has Phil Goff taken to the bottle? And poured its contents over his head?

  1. Suz says:

    Kudos to Mrs Grumble’s impeccable taste.

    Now if he were to look AND sound like Sean Connery, hell yeak, screw the policies!!

    • Alf Grumble says:

      Mrs Grumble’s impeccable taste is best reflected in her choice of Alf as her husband, rather than in her going all gushy over George or Sean.

  2. Suz says:

    Assumed that was such an obvious assumption, didn’t think it worthy of uttering…apologies for my omission.

    • Alf Grumble says:

      No offence was taken, Suz. Alf assumed you were still in a state of dizziness after leaping out of a plane at 12,500ft.

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