The Army seems to be hiring blokes who are not as bright as Alf would like them to be. This bodes ill for the defence of the realm.
This observation is based on news of a New Zealand Army officer being sent home in disgrace from his job as a machinery operator in Antarctica after showing pictures of his genitals to female co-workers.
It is a well known fact that a bloke’s genitals are apt to shrink in cold weather, and – as Alf understands these things – it can get bloody cold in Antarctica.
Taking pictures of your nob and your knackers in these conditions is not calculated to show them off to their best advantage.
Alf sees no point in showing pictures of your tackle to others, especially women, if you are not trying to impress them, and no woman of his acquaintance would be at all impressed by pictures of tackle that had been seriously shrunk by the Antarctic chill.
It would be a bit like a fisherman wanting to be photographed alongside the minnow he has just caught.
He would not show off this evidence of his fishing prowess – not with any great pride, at least – in the same way as he would do if he had caught a bloody big marlin.
Mind you, with modern gadgetry all sorts of tricks can be pulled and the shrunken genitals may well have been enlarged through some sort of digital deception.
Another astonishing bit of this story is that it happened some time ago and almost ranks as history rather than news.
Antarctica NZ chief executive Lou Sanson confirmed a junior, non-commissioned officer, who was seconded to Antarctica NZ, had been sent home just before Christmas, three months into a five-month contract.
“A complaint was laid, we investigated and found the behaviour was not appropriate, it contravened our code of conduct, so we terminated the secondment and sent him home from Scott Base,” Sanson said.
Sanson refused to go into details of the incident, but the Sunday Star-Times understands it involved images of his genitals, and possibly a cellphone or computer was used. “Clearly, we expect high standards of all staff down there,” Sanson said.
The SST notes that, apart from being sent home, the NCO was not punished further.
“The individual concerned has not been punished, as punishment can only follow conviction for an offence. There has been no such conviction,” a defence spokesperson said.
“Dismissal from the service would be possible as a punishment only on conviction.”
Alf imagines that the mocking and shrieks of contempt from the females who were shown pictures of the bloke’s climatically reduced naughty bits would have been punishment enough.
The soldier (it should be noted) did not contest his removal from the base.
This undoubtedly would have been a consequence of his urge to escape the aforementioned mocking.
Facing terrorists in Afghanistan would be more agreeable, and the SST (significantly) reports –
A NZ Defence Force spokesman said disciplinary proceedings against the soldier were completed, and “administrative action” was in progress. He remained a serving member of the defence force. The Star-Times understands he has completed other overseas postings, including in Afghanistan.
For the scientifically minded, Alf draws attention to this material on the shrinking of the penis and scrotum in the cold or when swimming (which is why Alf avoids both) –
The tissue on the scrotum and the penis is a very pliable erectile tissue, like the tissue on nipples, designed so it can move.
When a man gets cold, his testicles and penis often get pulled close to the body to maintain warmth.
Sometimes the penis and testicles are pulled so close, it appears they’re in danger of disappearing into the body.
But don’t panic.
When the body warms again, they return to normal in a more dropped position.
Alf is told shrinkage can occur and your penis and testicles can shrink to almost child size proportions while exercising, too.
This is why Alf eschews exercise.
Of course, he avoids having photographs of his nether regions taken at the best of times, as a consequence of his being extremely modest. Mrs Grumble says he has little to be modest about, but somehow it does not sound like a compliment.