Do you fancy trying out this wee trick to get yourself a bit of rumpy-pumpy?

If he offers you a wee dram, make sure it's not 100% wee.

Male Capuchin monkeys wash in their own pee to try to pull the sheilas.

Or so Alf reads today in his Telegraph.

This is troubling.

It causes Alf to seriously question Darwinian theories that would have splendid blokes like him trace their lineage back to apes.

That no doubt is true of Labour and Green Party supporters.

But it can’t possibly be true of true-blue Nats, who clearly originate from a profoundly superior species.

Mind you, Alf has read about a few blokes who drank or drink their own pee – Gandhi, Jim Morrison, John Lennon, Keith Richards and Steve McQueen (who, it is said, in the last stages of cancer, survived solely on a diet of urine and boiled alligator skin prescribed by his Mexican doctors).

We should not be surprised to find that most of them are dead.

But let’s get back to the bloody Capuchin monkeys.

They are found across Central and South America, it seems, and they routinely urinate in their hands and rub the liquid around their body.

The reason for the strange habit has been a mystery to scientists for years.

Some thought the urine lowered body temperature, while others claimed it enabled the monkeys to identify particular individuals by smell.

Now the mystery has been solved. A new study, published in the American Journal of Primatology, has found the urine ‘turns on’ female monkeys.

Mrs Grumble has warned Alf not to try it out at home, to see if it works on homo sapiens, although the warning was unnecessary in his case.

But he was curious about how the researchers nutted out what the urine thing with the monkeys was all about.

The Telegraph has the answer –

Researchers at Trinity University in San Antonio, Texas, carried out brain scans of female tufted capuchins as they sniffed the urine. The urine of sexually mature males produced more activity than the urine of juveniles.

This suggests males wash with their urine to signal their availability and attractiveness to females.

Dr Kimberley Phillips, a primatologist, said females know which males to pursue from the smell of the urine.

“Since female capuchins [when they are most fertile] actively solicit males, we reasoned that urine washing by males might provide chemical information to the females about their sexual or social status,” she told the BBC.

“Female capuchin monkey brains react differently to the urine of adult males than to urine of juvenile males.”

“’We suggest that this is used as a form of communication to convey social and or sexual status.”

The Telegraph finishes its report by noting that ‘urine washing’ is just one of many bizarre methods used in the animal kingdom to signal sexual availability.

It mentions female baboons, who flash their bottoms at males they are attracted to.

Alf has advised Mrs Grumble that just as he does not intend washing himself with pee to lure her into bed, nor should she try flashing her bottom at him.

Oh, but before he signs off for the day and heads for the club, let’s pass on a few thoughts about urine therapy.

Urine therapy refers to one of several uses of urine to prevent or cure sickness, to enhance beauty, or to cleanse one’s bowels.

Most devotees drink the midstream of their morning urine. Some prefer it straight and steaming hot; others mix it with juice or serve it over fruit.

Some prefer a couple of urine drops mixed with a tablespoon of water applied sublingually several times a day. Some wash themselves in their own golden fluid to improve their skin quality.

Many modern Japanese women are said to engage in urine bathing.

The truly daring use their own urine as an enema. Urine is not quite the breakfast of champions, but it is the elixir of choice of a number of holy men in India where drinking urine has been practiced for thousands of years.

The drink is also the preferred pick-me-up for a growing number of naturopaths and other advocates of “nature cures.”

The author of the text above went on to point out that the main attractions of this ultimate home brew are its cost, availability and portability.

It is much cheaper than that other “water of life,” whiskey (uisge beatha), which also has been hailed for its medicinal qualities. Unlike whiskey, however, urine is always available, everyone carries a supply at all times, and, for most people, there are no intoxicating side effects.

Furthermore, the urge to overindulge is almost absent when drinking urine. The same can’t be said for good single malt such as Highland Park or a good whiskey such as Black Bush.

Yes, but Alf will be sticking to his whisky (without an e) nevertheless.

2 Responses to Do you fancy trying out this wee trick to get yourself a bit of rumpy-pumpy?

  1. nasska says:

    Although I have seen quite a few Labour & Green supporters with rusty zips & yellow tennis shoes it never occurred to me that they could be potential lonely hearts club clients. Who would have thought that the soap dodgers were simply seeking mates?

    Truly you do a great service in enlightening your constituents.

    • Alf Grumble says:

      Yes, nasska, it is a great service, but it has a simple objective – it is to ensure that nobody with the slightest semblance of wits ever votes for the buggers.

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