They weren’t serving vintage champagne at the Palace, so a knees-up at the Goring looked a better bet

Yes, we will - but where?

Lambcut got her knickers in an unnecessary twist yesterday at the Roarprawn site. Alf recommends she replace the elastic.

She was right to remind us that the Windsors are a deeply weird lot. This comes from inter-breeding among fellow royals over many centuries, giving their blood an admirable blue hue but otherwise being genetically harmful. New breeding stock in the form of the splendid Kate Middleton, whose great grandfather was a miner, should help remedy this defect.

And it’s true that their real name is Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, but they changed it out of embarrassment about their family connections to the Germans at a time when your Germans were behaving in a very bellicose manner towards the Brits, and their hostility had nothing much to do with anything that happened on the football pitch.

Lambcut then gets herself into trouble –

But that aside, what would you think if you had a big white wedding and most of your friends and family were not invited to the party?

The Middleton’s went back to an after match function at the Goring Hotel where they had been staying the night before the wedding.

They were not invited to the groom’s parent’s place. The Windsor’s put on the main do at their place for their chosen A list-ers.

Apparently many of the bride’s family and friends did not qualify. It was breathtakingly rude and there was no need for it.

The Middleton’s look like a good successful family who could mix anywhere. They, unlike the Windsors, are not state welfare beneficiaries and they are better dressed too – see below.

Marriages need support from family and friends. It seems the Windsors didn’t learn much from the Sarah and Di divorces. Shame.

Alf has serious difficulties with these tart remarks about the royals, to whom he is hugely loyal and from whom he hopes to get a knighthood soon, or maybe a title like Lord Alfred of the Tararuas.

Lambcut steers her readers to the Daily Mail’s website for the report on which she bases her unkind remarks about Her Majesty and Co.

But neither Alf nor Mrs Grumble could find no specific mention in the Daily Mail report of the Middletons and their friends not being invited to the party at the Palace.

He rather imagines that the Middletons were invited, but they opted to shun the palace in favour of their own piss-up, where they and their guests could freely and comfortably use the f word and break wind, and so on, and maybe even leap on to tables and drop their daks.

Moreover, he rather imagines that some of the younger set, including younger royals, would rather have been at the Middleton shindig for those very reasons than the party at the palace, where the requirement to meet and chat with dignatories and world leaders would have been something of a bore, except – of course – if they had been chatting with the Keys.

Rather than the royals being breathtakingly rude, in other words, Alf supposes the Middletons were doing the discriminating and showing enormous good sense by putting fun ahead of fusty pomp and ceremony.

Anyway, as Lambcut observes, the Middletons – unlike the Windsors – are not state welfare beneficiaries “and they are better dressed too”.

Quite so.

Alf has seen Kate’s parents described as self-made millionaires, able to afford the private education that brought her into the prince’s circle.

Surely this can only mean they can afford to dress better than state beneficiaries – or should be able to.

Chances are they can afford better champers too.

The guests at the palace were served Pol Roger NV Brut Reserve champagne, which is not quite as classy as your vintage stuff. And they ate stuff with rhubarb in it.

Alf hears they had muttonbird on the menu at the Middletons, too (although he admits his source for this culinary intelligence is notoriously unreliable).

But even if they did not serve muttonbirds, which of the two piss-ups would Lambcut have preferred?

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