Alf makes no secret of his strong royalist leanings and great admiration for the monarchy and for Queen Elizabeth 11.
No job to serve Her Majesty would be too menial, too onerous or too messy.
Accordingly he is offering his services today as a royal axeman, willing to lop off the head of whoever has been guilty of high treason in The Palace kitchen.
Dunno if the bastard – obviously a closet republican – has been identified yet.
But he or she has fed the royal corgis frozen and reheated dog tucker instead of the freshly cooked meals Her Majesty requires for them.
According to sources, the Queen, who is on holiday at Balmoral, was furious when she made the discovery while dishing up her pets’ supper one evening.
The Daily Mail reports that the Queen is so fond of her dogs that she insists on serving their supposedly chef-prepared dinners herself.
On this occasion it became apparent that the meal had been frozen as it had not properly thawed in the middle.
‘The Queen was half way through dishing out best quality cooked meat to her beloved dogs when she realised the centre of the dinner had not defrosted properly.
‘For years she has always demanded that all food for corgis is 100 per cent fresh, and when she found out that cooks had not been following her instructions she let her feelings be known.
‘A footman was summoned and told to go down to the kitchens where the chefs on duty were torn off a strip.”
Ah, that’s style, eh?
You don’t personally bawl out the buggers responsible for this outrage.
You send a footman.
And it seems the cooks were told in no uncertain terms that it should never, ever happen again and that all food had to be fresh.
“The chefs were acutely embarrassed and didn’t know what to say. Obviously one of them had been far too casual in his attitude and had just thought it was for the dogs, so it didn’t matter.
‘But he clearly didn’t know what they mean to the Queen.
‘Goodness knows if it was a one-off or if batches of food have been frozen and served up as fresh for years.
‘If the Queen finds out that is the case then heads may roll.’
Dunno about this “may roll” nonsense.
Dammit, heads should roll.
And Alf is keen to have a crack at doing the head-rolling with the axe out in the Grumble wood shed, although he will need to get some practice at wielding it because for the past several years Mrs Grumble has been in sole charge of wood chopping duties.
The Daily Mail’s sources say the Queen made it clear she was not amused by the negligent preparation of tucker for her corgis – some senior servants are saying they haven’t seen her so angry in a long time.
Her Majesty currently owns four corgis, named Linnet, Monty, Willow and Holly, and three dorgis – corgi-dachshund crossbreeds – called Cider, Candy and Vulcan.
Her Majesty is a real busy lady, of course, but when she has time, she likes to serve up the dogs’ main meal herself at around 5pm.
Former royal chef Darren McGrady, who worked at Buckingham Palace for 11 years, once revealed that a daily menu for the dogs would be typed up and posted on the kitchen wall.
‘They’d have poached chicken or liver, or rabbits shot by William and Harry which we’d clean, cook, debone and chop for them,’ he said.
‘We also baked scones which the Queen crumbled up and put on the floor for them.’
Buckingham Palace declined to comment to the Mail, saying the corgis were the Queen’s private animals.
But Alf does expect to hear from The Palace after sending his offer to help out in the beheading department.
Oh, and make no mistake.
If he is commanded to lop the head from a royal for whom he has a high regard, well, dammit, he will just have to brace himself and get on with doing his duty as a loyal subject.
He mentions this because some other people in the royal family don’t like corgis as much as Queen Elizabeth does.
This (Alf is disappointed to learn) includes Prince Philip, her husband.
One time someone heard him saying, “Bloody dogs! Why do you have to have so many?”
Maybe she has one husband too many.