Details of Simon’s alleged deception are not clearcut, but his spiky hair should be

January 22, 2012

This wouldn't pass muster at Mark Perry's school.

A Herald on Sunday report, lamentably lacking in material detail, tells us (a) the cops have complained about a TVNZ reporter, alleging he attempted to deceive relatives of Carterton balloon victims, and (b) the reporter is a bloke by name of Simon Bradwell, who denies any wrongdoing, and (c) TVNZ is standing by the reporter but is looking into the matter.

And now – dear blog reader – you know as much about it as the HoS.

What the HoS knows, of course, is sweet FA because –

Details of the complaint have not been revealed, but Bradwell “vehemently” denies any wrongdoing.

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Worms show us how life span can be doubled by booze (taken in tiny doses)

January 21, 2012

Alf is off to the Eketahuna Club to order a life-extending whisky or three.

He is reacting to news that scientists have proven alcohol can double life-span.

The report that got him going talked of “moderate” levels of alcohol delivering an increase in longevity among test subjects in a recent study.

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If you haven’t found the G-spot, take heart – scientists can’t find it either

January 20, 2012

Alf has been tempted to take advice on how to Find Your Wife’s G-Spot.

He feels he must meet the challenge implicit in scientists saying they can’t find the G-spot – and they’ve been looking for 60 years.

The scientists’ failure is reported by the Daily Mail, which says ultrasounds and tissue samples have failed to prove the existence of this erogenous zone.

But Alf is confident this news will simply whip up lots of business for Robert Irwin, who claims he can steer blokes to the G-spot.

The advice is offered at

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Corruption study shows how bigger pay packets make us more virtuous

January 19, 2012

Alf was laughed out of The Boss’s Beehive office a year or so ago, when he pitched a case for doubling politicians’ pay based on an example set in Ghana.

In that country, lawmakers had doubled their own pay, arguing that if they were going to fight the temptation for corruption, they needed much fatter pay packets.

The monthly salary of about $US4,500 a month they awarded themselves then was about three times what the average Ghanaian earned in a year.

Alf will resurrect his push for a substantial pay rise on the strength of research findings mentioned in a press release from Victoria University.

Alas, these research findings have come too late for Singaporean politicians. They have just voted to give themselves hefty pay cuts.

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Getting jailbirds back on the straight and narrow is tough when their tutors lead them astray

January 18, 2012

Alf will be taking a hard look at this Whare Oranga Ake carry-on when he gets back to his parliamentary office in Wellington.

It sounds like a crock to him, after he checked out some basic information on the the Department of Corrections’ web-site and tried to reconcile it with an incident in Hawke’s Bay.

Under this programme, the department has two 16-bed Whare Oranga Ake reintegration units – at Hawke’s Bay Regional Prison and Spring Hill Corrections Facility – providing a kaupapa Maori environment for selected prisoners nearing the end of their sentence.

The programme and the day-to-day running of the Whare Oranga Ake are provided by skilled Maori community service providers, while security is provided by Prison Services.

At Whare Oranga Ake prisoners are supported to reconnect with their culture, identity and community.

Alf is especially interested in the bit about the skilled Maori community service providers.

Just what is or are their skill or skills?

And what exactly is their prowess when it comes to ensuring the prisoners do not re-offend?

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We could catch the Aussies on the hop by giving them our stroppy wharfies

January 17, 2012

An influx of Kiwi wharfies should slow 'em down.

Alf hadn’t taken too much notice of the brouhaha at Ports of Auckland, where the Maritime Union is bridling against the bosses’ highly commendable aim of having more work done on a contract basis.

But the merits of what the bosses are trying to do were clearly illustrated in a media statement from the union which landed in Alf’s e-mail in-tray yesterday.

It was headed Port workers will leave New Zealand if jobs outsourced.

As a true-blue Nat whose attitudes to unions have been honed in a rural community, this strikes Alf as an eminently attractive proposition.

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How much will it cost to collect seven cents? It doesn’t matter if your job is collecting fines

January 16, 2012

Alf is acutely aware of the need for fiscal austerity, to help Bill English bring the books back into the black over the next few years.

Otherwise he would ask the bureaucrats at our Ministry of Justice to put whatever time and effort is needed into explaining who was involved in recovering a certain sum of outstanding money and how much time they spent on the quest.

Obviously it costs money to chase someone for money.

You would think, therefore, that someone would weigh up the cost of the chasing against the revenue to be collected.

If the costs of the chasing are sure to exceed the revenue that will be gathered, well…

Let’s just flag it away.

But the bureaucratic mindset doesn’t tick quite like that.

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Left hand down a bit – oh, bugger, it looks like Italy is closer than we thought

January 15, 2012

The short distance between ship and shore is what most amazed Alf, when he checked out the Daily Mail’s pictures of the cruise ship which capsized off the coast of Italy.

The Costa Concodia overturned after hitting rocks or a sandbar.

But it was only just off the coast.

It finished up so bloody close to a nearby village that it was in serious danger of becoming a road hazard.

This proximity to dry land makes nonsense of the accounts given by some passengers of this being like the sinking of the Titanic.

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Oh, look – the cops in the Far North have a queer interpretation of the law

January 15, 2012

It’s okay to be gay nowadays and to indulge in gay carry-on in bedrooms – or most places – isn’t it?

A report on The Northern Advocate’s website suggests otherwise.

The gay rights movement is likely to kick up a fuss over the matter.

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Dwarfs are thrown by tossers but – worse – are dropped from the BBC’s vocubulary

January 14, 2012

He had an unfortunate encounter with a Pommy tosser.

Alf has brought the BBC into his blog for the second successive day.

But whereas yesterday his interest was triggered by a boorish broadcaster’s dragging New Zealand into his badinage, today he will berate the Beeb for being much too bloody precious.

Its avoidance of simple English so as not to offend dwarfs is best illustrated by examining how other media have headlined reports of the same event on their web sites.

Top marks for succinctly summing things up go to Newser: Tosser Cripples Dwarf.

The Sydney Morning Herald headlined its story with Dwarf left wheelchair-bound after being dropped on night out celebrating his birthday.

Scenic Queenstown highlighted the local angle: Dwarf blames Queenstown bar antics for inspiring attack.

The Week tells us: Paralysed dwarf blames England’s Mike Tindall for his injuries.

But the BBC is much more coy: Man with restricted growth injured in street attack.

It kicks off its report –

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