And if your sex partner has a screw loose – would you get a discount or a refund?

Here's hoping she has been well oiled.

Fancy a bit of rumpy-pumpy with a robot?

It’s the way of the future, an astonished Alf learned today.

The Daily Mail has drawn his attention to a paper by two academics at Victoria University, in Wellington.

The academics envision the year 2050 and a group of men heading to a brothel in Amsterdam’s Red Light District.

But when they get there, instead of being met by a young woman, they are seen by an entirely different host: a robot.

This is the future, as imagined by two researchers who believe this science-fiction-style vision could become reality within 40 years.

The Daily Mail is reporting on a paper, Robots, Men And Sex Tourism, by Ian Yeoman and Michelle Mars of the Victoria Management School in Wellington, New Zealand.

Yeoman is an associate professor, so apparently he has joined those who have lifted crystal ball gazing into the domain of academic respectability.

Not only does he describe himself as a crystal ball gazer, which is a caper Alf associates with Gypsy women and charlatans. More particularly, he says he is

“…the world’s only professional crystal ball gazer or futurologist specializing in travel and tourism.

But his credibility comes into question when he says the best football team in the world is Sunderland.

Dunno what he can see of Sunderland’s future prospects.

As for the past, that particular team’s proudest achievement was winning the FA Cup back in 1973.

But that’s to digress.

In this paper the two seers imagine what the sex industry will be like in the year 2050.

They haven’t ducked down to Vivian Street, where a bloke can engage in a bit of the old in-out with some strumpet in exchange for a sum of money (according to sources whose names Alf will not reveal).

They focus on Amsterdam’s Red Light District and imagine how the most popular brothel in the city will work.

They call this imaginary brothel the Yub-Yum, and describe it as ‘modern and gleaming with about 100 scantily clad blondes and brunettes parading around in exotic G-strings and lingerie’.

Clients pay £6,200 to enter for an ‘all-inclusive service’, from lap dancing to full intercourse, from ‘a range of sexual gods and goddesses of different ethnicities, body shapes, ages, languages and sexual features’.

Mrs Grumble, who disapproves of the sex trade, nevertheless sees merit in this scenario.

She agrees with the academics that the production and use of lifelike pleasure machines could effectively halt the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, as well as stem the increase in human trafficking associated with the sex trade.

The researchers imagine androids brothels opening because of the rise in STDs, especially HIV, which by 2050 has mutated and is resistant to many drugs.

Android sex workers may also provide a ‘guilt free’ experience for men (although it’s hard to imagine that it will do anything to dispel feelings of infidelity).

With no more women being exploited, the researchers believe that prostitution could gain a new level of respectability.

Brothels accordingly could feature in tourist guidebooks.

The Daily Mail notes that robot sex workers have been a feature of science fiction for decades.

In the 1973 dystopian thriller Westworld wealthy tourists indulge themselves at a theme park staffed by robots who cater to their every desire.

In 1982’s Blade Runner, pleasure robots were high prized in the hierarchy of androids.

And the less said about the ‘Fembots’ in Austin Powers, the better.

The paper has been spotlighted on other web-sites, including, which is devoted to futurism.

It kicks off its article like this –

Machines have already changed the face of manufacturing industries, but what happens when prostitutes find themselves replaced by robots? Will machines populate our brothels instead of flesh and blood people? Will the social stigma of paying for sex fade? And how will the availability of robotic sex partners impact countries whose economies depend, in part, on sex tourism?

Alf is mindful, of course, that a bloke in Oamaru created a Victorian science fiction robot who will carry out all your domestic duties – she is Rose the Automated Wife.

And he is aware of a creature described as the world first sex robot.

A robotic girlfriend complete with artificial intelligence and flesh-like synthetic skin has been unveiled in Las Vegas.

“She can’t vacuum, she can’t cook but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean,” TrueCompanion’s Douglas Hines said of Roxxxy.

Roxxxy stands 170cm tall, weighs 54kg, “has a full C cup and is ready for action,” according to Hines.

As to the paper by the futurists at Victoria University, if you want to read it you can find it here, but you will have to pay for it. Just as you will have to do for sex with the robot harlots it describes.

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