We knew about masturbation’s blinding effects, but now it seems we should limit our coffee intake too

It looks like Alf should surrender another of life’s little luxuries to protect his eyesight.

He took his mother’s advice several decades ago and eschewed masturbation, which she advised would make him go blind.

But he has had no cause to give up his coffee to preserve his eyesight until now.

This morning – dammit – he learned (here) that –

Drinking more than three cups of coffee a day may increase the risk of vision loss and blindness, according to American research.

Even moderate amounts of the drink make developing the devastating eye condition glaucoma more likely.

This came as a shock to a feller who consumes lots of coffee each day, up until the time he starts slurping into his whisky.

The study has been published in a journal titled Investigative Ophthalmology & Visual Science.

According to the Daily Mail account, the study “suggests” coffee lovers reduce their intake to reduce their chances of developing glaucoma, a condition which occurs when the drainage tubes within the eye become slightly blocked.

This prevents eye fluid from draining properly, causing pressure to build up.

When the fluid cannot drain properly, pressure builds up.

This can damage the optic nerve, which connects the eye to the brain, and the nerve fibres from the retina (the light-sensitive nerve tissue that lines the back of the eye).

So what the hell has coffee got to do with this?

The researchers, from the Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, suggest that compounds found in coffee may increase pressure within the eyeball, causing a vision-destroying condition known as exfoliation glaucoma.

This occurs when material is rubbed off both the eye’s iris and lens, which then clogs up the eyeball’s fluid-draining system, leading to increased pressure within the eye

However no correlation was with other caffeine products such as tea, cola or chocolate.

By the way, if you had formed the view that the Scandinavians you bump into – or rather , who bump into you – might be blind, then it seems you were on to something.

Previous research has found that Scandinavian populations have the highest occurrence of exfoliation glaucoma.

They also have the highest consumption of caffeinated coffee in the world.

The latest study assessed more than 120,000 people in the UK and US who were over 40 and not suffering from glaucoma.

They completed questionnaires about how much coffee they drank and their medical records were checked for a history of glaucoma.

Those who drank more than three cups a day were had an increased risk of developing glaucoma compared with those who abstained.

Women with a family history of glaucoma also had an elevated risk.

So there we have it.

Coffee must join masturbation on the list of things to be avoided.

Mind you, with masturbation there are good religious reasons to keep your hands off your willy.

There is no scripture that directly mentions pleasuring yourself (as you will learn here).

But good Christians can cite specific scripture that describes healthy and unhealthy sexual behaviour in order to determine whether or not masturbation is a sin.

One of the major sexual issues discussed throughout scripture is lust.

Jesus condemned lust in the heart as adultery in Matthew.

While most advertising, television shows, movies, magazines, and more promote lust, the New Testament describes it as a sin.

Many Christians see masturbation as a form of lust, if your lust is causing you to masturbate.

Sure enough, the Gospel According to Matthew backs this up.

Matthew 5:28 – “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who has looked a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

But besides damaging your prospects of being allowed into Heaven, masturbation will do you a mischief in this world by buggering your eyesight.

A new study (check it our here) proves it.

Research unveiled today by the Onan Institute proves a significant causal link between frequent masturbation and age-related macular degeneration, or AMD, the most common cause of blindness in the Western World.

“Look at that wall,” said Dr. Joshua Samson, founder of the Institute. “You see there are twenty-eight men lined up along it. By the time those men turn sixty, one of them will be blind from frequently indulging in self-abuse.”

Five years of research have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that masturbating more than seven times a week leads to a one-in-28 chance of contracting AMD.

“Simply abstain from masturbation. You don’t want to go blind, and if you keep on abusing yourself, it could destroy your sight.”

Alf does not know this Dr Samson bloke.

But he sounds like a great man.

He is quoted as saying that if he could get the general population to stop spilling its seed upon the ground, he could prove that reading anything but the Bible was a leading cause of death in 100-year-old men.

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