Britain has its political tossers, too, and not surprisingly they are to be found in the Labour Party.
Their ranks include one Paul Flynn, who has outraged Alf on two fronts – on the matter of the monarchy and on the matter of gay marriage.
Alf is thoroughly in favour of the former and hostile towards the latter.
But that’s just to state where he stands before he proceeds to examine the wildly woolly-woofter thinking of the aforementioned Paul Flynn.
This Pommy MP (as you can see here) wants to change the law of royal succession so the monarch could have a gay partner.
Just imagine a pair of poofs standing on the balcony at Buckingham Palace, waving to the throng below as our – well, as our Queen and his Queen.
Or their female equivalents.
Newport West’s Paul Flynn says the change is needed in case Prince William’s son or daughter falls in love with someone of the same sex.
So he has tabled an amendment to Deputy PM Nick Clegg’s Succession to the Crown Bill now going through Parliament.
Alf found it hard going to agree with Clegg’s bill, which will allow William and Kate’s first child to inherit the throne if she is a girl, even if younger brothers follow her.
It will also mean the heir to the throne can marry a Catholic.
Mr Flynn said: “I propose to future-proof the monarchy from charges of discrimination by giving same-sex and heterosexual partnerships the same validity in succession rights.”
That would mean a gay or lesbian sovereign could reign with their partner.
And a child conceived by artificial insemination or surrogacy could rule us.
If that were to happen – if we had a pair of sodomites in the top job at Buckingham Palace – Alf is bound to say he would take a stiff whisky, then maybe a few more, before signing up with the republicans.
Alf does not dispute the historians who reckon England has had four gay monarchs: William Rufus (1087-1100), Richard the Lionheart, (1189-1199), Edward II, (1307-1327) and James I (1603-1625).
But he can cite historians who reckon Richard the Lionheart was as red-blooded as any other king worthy of the name, and that
Edward fathered at least five children by two women (although maybe he was bisexual).
James married Anne of Denmark and the royal couple begat (among others) Charles, his successor.
None of the four kings listed tried to get married to people of the same gender, even though – presumably – they could have done what they bloody well liked as king.
And they certainly did not produce sprogs via artificial insemination, which is a very modern abomination.