How to cast a Paul over proceedings – get Gascoigne pissed, then ask him to speak

You can't really blame the whisky for this...

You can’t really blame the whisky for this…

A Pommy tosser who has broken down in tears in public has also given whisky a bad name.

Giving whisky a bad name should be a capital offence, in a civilized society, and the Pommy tosser should be found guilty and beheaded.

Even if he hadn’t given whisky a bad name, he should have been treated with an element of disdain, because he eschewed playing proper football and took up the sport known in this country as soccer.

Playing soccer instead of rugby is akin to choosing to eat yogurt, fruit and nuts instead of a sirloin steak (rare) with chips and maybe a dozen oysters on the side. Oh, and a slab or two of black pudding, too.

Fair to say, in this case the soccer player was good at his chosen sport, but Alf could point you to Greenies who can turn yogurt, fruit and nuts into a banquet, although whether normal people would want to tuck in is a dubious proposition.

The soccer player is a bloke called Paul Gascoigne, and by bursting into tears he has dismayed his fans (it would be nice to know if they number more than two or three), as you will learn here.

Football fans expressed their fears over the health of Paul Gascoigne as they watched the former football star burst into tears during a rambling appearance at a charity event.

The ‘trembling’ 45-year-old had to be helped onstage for a question and answer session in which he slurred responses and muttered a slew of curse words.

Alf imagined this tosser needed to be helped onstage and proceeded to slur his responses and mutter curse words precisely because he is a former soccer player, and hence (probably) not as well educated as a rugby player.

But nah.

That’s where the whisky comes into this shabby story.

Guests at the event, who had paid £100 to see the footballer, described how Gascoigne apologised to the crowd, blaming ‘three days on the whiskey’ for his performance.

Alf is astonished by this statement, because he has been on the whisky (he does not spell it with an ‘e’) for several decades.

He attributes his high intellect and his zeal for hard work to its regular consumption.

Gascoigne obviously can’t make the same claim.

The 500 guests described the event as having the ‘atmosphere of a funeral’ as they watched Gascoigne slurring through the exchanges with his agent Terry Baker.

So what’s going on with this Gascoigne feller?

Ah. Should have guessed.


The Newcastle-born footballer, widely regarded as one of the most gifted English players, has battled alcoholism and drug use since retiring from the game.

The Daily Mail reminds those who have never heard of Gascoigne of his illustrious past (as illustrious as a soccer player can ever claim, at least).

Gascoigne, affectionately known as Gazza, rose to national prominence during the 1990 World Cup, during which he famously broke into tears after being booked in the semi-final against Germany.

Fair to say, the aforementioned Baker bloke lets whisky off the hook.

He said the former midfielder did not drink whisky and that the comment had been a botched joke about being on a ‘whisky diet’.

You shouldn’t be allowed to botch jokes about whisky, however, and that too should be a hanging offence. Or a beheading one.

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