Give us a break – you don’t have to increase your rumpy-pumpy to look younger

It mightn’t be the elixir of life, but it certainly gives rise to new life.

Alf refers, of course, to copulation.

There’s been a bit of it going on – obviously – because when Mrs Grumble checked around 6.20pm today with a site here that keeps track of the world’s population, there had been 276,600 births during the day and net population growth of around 158,000 because not enough oldies were popping off to make way for the newcomers.

The net population is bound to keep growing at an increasing pace, if people put into practice the advice conveyed in a report in the The Telegraph (here). It recommends sex as the secret to looking younger.

To be frank, the researcher who is recommending regular sex does not say it is the key to looking younger, but rather that it could be the key to looking up to seven years younger.

Dr David Weeks, former head of old age psychology at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital, said people need to be aware of the benefits of having a healthy sex life, particularly in their later years.

This Dr Weeks feller said sex has a number of health benefits which can make men and women look between five and seven years younger.

Among them: it causes the release of endorphins, the ‘feel good’ chemical which acts as a natural painkiller and reduces anxiety aiding sleep; exercise boosts circulation which is good for the heart; and it causes the human growth hormone to be released which makes the skin look more elastic.

Dr Weeks said: “My message is that lovemaking is good.

“The stereotype of an elderly person is that when they get their pension and bus pass, they stop having sex and that’s not true.

“Sexual satisfaction is a major contributor to quality of life, ranking at least as high as spiritual or religious commitment and other morale factors, so more positive attitudes towards mature sex should be vigorously promoted.”

Sexuality was definitely not the prerogative of younger people “and nor should it be”, Dr Weeks counselled.

He was going to tell a British Psychological Society conference about his research, where he asked men and women questions about their sex lives.

He found those who looked younger than their age claimed to have sex an average 50 per cent more – in the 40-to-50 age group equating to three times a week rather than twice.

These findings follow previous evidence to suggests regular lovemaking is associated with reducing the risk of early death.

It should be noted that the article cited here does not tell us how much shagging Alf should be indulging in, to look younger.

But he is duty-bound to observe that nowadays he has to be chemically assisted, to do what would be necessary.

And there are better ways of spending the drug money.

Such as buying whisky, down at the Eketahuna Club.

Accordingly it is comforting to learn that the more you holiday, the longer you’ll live.

This, and a whole lot of other holidays tips, have been published in a new e-book, co-authored by Otago University researcher and holiday expert Sebastian Filep.

He has the enviable job of researching holidays, and said several studies showed regular holidays were good for our health. They can help us be happier, sleep better, and stop the onset of depression.

The revelation that could result in Kiwis bombarding their bosses with holiday requests tomorrow is from a study of 12,000 men at high risk of coronary heart disease.

It found the more regularly they took holidays, the less chance they had of dying during the nine-year post-trial period.

“Vacations may not only be enjoyable but also health promoting,” the study concluded.

Dunno if putting your feet up in the club counts as a holiday.

It should do. Alf finds it thoroughly relaxing.

By the time he gets home, of course, Mrs Grumble is apt to be asleep.

This rules out the recipe for looking younger featured in the Telegraph.

But the holiday idea resonates with Alf.

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