Bugger worrying about the eel being devastated – think about the devastation to our special people

Dunno why Ngai Tahu aren’t out protecting their own patch. Maybe they are too busy counting their money.

So it was left to some feller of the Ngati Porou persuasion to holler about the latest outrage the bloody colonialists are about to inflict on the country’s special indigenous people.

This feller happens to have emigrated from his own neck of the woods and set up shop as a West Coast commercial eeler.

It will be interesting to know if he retains his special status as an indigenous person, having uplifted himself and moved into the domain of Ngai Tahu.

This would make him a more recent immigrant than all the Pakeha and other non-Maori whose ancestors arrived there some 200 years or so back.

But that is to digress.

He is kicking up a fuss about plans to split the South Island eel quota into shortfin and longfin, saying it will be devastating to Maori.

Co-governance creeps closer to Eketahuna and a bunch of special citizens are joyous

This co-governance bollocks is getting a bit close for comfort, for those living peacefully and democratically here in Eketahuna.

The chair of a collective of nine central Hawke’s Bay marae – just up the main drag from here – is bragging about securing a written assurance from the local regional council which has given the group a say on the development of the Ruataniwha dam scheme.

Two companies are competing to win a contract to design and build the $600 million water storage programme in the region.

And all citizens, the way things are handled in a good and healthy democracy, are entitled to have a say in what happens, even if it is no more than a letter to the editor of the local rag and the right to vote against councillors who do something of which they disapprove.

Which Dakta? Oh, yes – the one who is running for mayor of the Ruapehu District

A bloke with the curious name of Dakta Green has taken up the cause of the Ruapehu District people against The Lines Company.

This Green feller can’t blame his parents for lumbering him with a silly moniker. He changed it to that himself, as Alf understands it.

And despite the obvious handicap this imposes, he is running for mayor. Railing against the power supplier’s pricing policies is part of his pitch for votes.

Today he issued a media statement, thereby alerting Alf (a) to his existence and (b) to his ambition.

Rotorua could show where co-governance is taking us – to cities run by Maori tribal councils

Being brought up with a world view shaped by his proud British heritage, Alf has been apt to bridle every time he learns of yet another Treaty-based co-governance system being imposed on one of our communities.

Most critically, and glaringly obviously, these arrangements debase our democracy and our notions of unity.

One party to the co-governance arrangement is accountable to all the people. The other party is not. The division is racial.

As a staunch champion of democratic systems, your hard-working MP for Eketahuna North could only become seriously hot and bothered each time bloody Chris Finlayson signed off on one of these deals with a smugly self-satisfied smirk on his face.

But how far will it go?

Much further, if the indigenous people have their way. These are our special people and some of them are scheming on introducing a very special system of governance for our local authorities.

They want to get rid of city councils and run the show with tribal councils.

Learning how to raise funds from harlots – for a fee, business people could rub shoulders with the PM

Have just prepared a memo for the buggers who run the National Party, who are always looking for ways of raising funds.

The memo is aimed at bringing more dosh into the party coffers by doing what the Brits are doing.

Britain’s PM and other political leaders have learned a trick or two from harlots.

They know they have what business people want, and they are willing to make it available – at a price.

We are not talking about your basic rumpy-pumpy here.

Nope. No clothing need be removed.

All the business people want is access.

So – let ’em have it for an appropriate fee.

The same is true in this country.

Business people love rubbing shoulders with the PM.

Let’s give them the opportunity – and charge them for the privilege.

Let these schools keep their secrets – they are Maori and deserve special treatment

Alf is by no means surprised to learn that Maori-language schools are prominent among those refusing to hand over national standards data to the Government.

These are schools for the nation’s special people, and inevitably our special people want special treatment.

Hence they won’t want to comply with the rules that apply to schools frequented by the rest of the country.

He was meant to be Messiah, but a spoil-sport American judge has reduced his name to Martin

Muhammed has become the most popular name for baby boys in London for the first time.

But across the Atlantic, in Newport, Tennessee, a judge has changed a toddler’s name from Messiah to Martin, saying the religious name was earned by one person and “that one person is Jesus Christ.”

Funny old world, eh?

Alf learned from the Daily Mail (here) that combined spellings of the Islamic prophet’s name have made it the most popular name for newborn boys in England for three years in a row.

They rank higher than other favourites such as Harry and Jack in the top 100 names for boys from the Office for National Statistics.

Now, however, the single variant Muhammad has topped the list in the capital with 768 registered births last year, ahead of Daniel on 666.

When combined with Mohammed, the name was more than double any other with 1479 boys given the name.

Across England, a total of 7,032 babies were given the name using the spellings of Muhammad (18th), Mohammed (25th) and Mohammad (58th) – topping the 6,893 that were called Harry.

Harry and Amelia were the most popular baby names in 2012 for the second year running.

But names such as Hugo, Sonny and Seth for boys, and Ivy, Darcey, Tilly and Violet for girls are storming up the list.

Several modern names which had gained popularity in recent years – Alf is delighted to report – have dropped out of the top 100 altogether.

These include Ashton and Reece for boys and Nicole and Kayla for girls.

Lisa Penney, of the parenting club Bounty.com, believes that while celebrity-styled or unusual names may be fun, parents know their children will ‘probably have an easier ride in the playground if they choose a more traditional name’.

Damned right.

The judge in Tennessee who changed a seven-month-old boy’s name from Messiah to Martin is Child Support Magistrate Lu Ann Ballew.

Dunno if she would want to be called Lu, if she realised that this is remarkably similar to loo, which is another word for dunny Down Under.

Never mind. The fact is she ordered the name change last week, according to WBIR-TV .

The boy’s parents were in court because they could not agree on the child’s last name, but when the judge heard the boy’s first name, she ordered it changed, too.

“It could put him at odds with a lot of people and at this point he has had no choice in what his name is,” Ballew said.

It was the first time she ordered a first name change, the judge said.

But hey. The report which brought this matter to the Grumbles’ attention said Messiah was No. 4 among the fastest-rising baby names in 2012, according to the Social Security Administration’s annual list of popular baby names.

The judge seems to have been oblivious to that fact.

The judge in eastern Tennessee said the baby was to be named Martin DeShawn McCullough, which includes both parents’ last name.

The boy’s mother, Jaleesa Martin, of Newport, said she will appeal. She says Messiah is unique and she liked how it sounded alongside the boy’s two siblings — Micah and Mason.

“Everybody believes what they want so I think I should be able to name my child what I want to name him, not someone else,” Martin said.

But Judge Ballew said the name Messiah could cause problems if the child grows up in Cocke County, which has a large Christian population.

“The word Messiah is a title and it’s a title that has only been earned by one person and that one person is Jesus Christ,” the judge said.

But the parents of this child don’t have to stick with Martin, surely.

And if they want to go for something Biblical, well, as you can learn here, there are some 200 names and titles of Christ found in the Bible.

The site lists some of the more prominent ones, organized in three sections relating to names that reflect the nature of Christ, His position in the tri-unity of God, and His work on earth on our behalf.

One of the listed names is Judge.

Wonder what Judge Bellew would make of that.

Let’s celebrate a bit of political togetherness – when it comes to our perks, we MPs can stand as one

Never thought you would hear this from the true-blue Member for Eketahuna North – but Labour’s Ruth Dyson has got something right at long last.

As chairwoman of the select committee that has sorted things out on the important matter of the travel perks we MPs enjoy, and have earned, she has stood up and said the Speaker of the House is the proper authority to set our allowances.

Not an independent body outside Parliament.

Hence we have that rare thing in Parliament: agreement between Government and opposition MPs.

When botching the cleaning job sparks a botulism scare … is the reaction really excessive?

Let’s see if Alf has a proper grasp on this one.

Somebody was sloppy in the pipe-cleaning department at a Fonterra processing plant in Waikato.

A whey product made at the plant and in turn used as an ingredient by many of Fonterra’s customers has been contaminated with something that can cause botulism.

The Centers for Disease Control in the USA describes botulism as a rare but sometimes fatal paralytic illness caused by a nerve toxin.

NZ’s Ministry for Primary Industries today said it still can’t rule out the possibility of babies being made ill by consuming contaminated infant formula.

Professor is prescribing an orgasm instead of a crossword or Sudoku to give your brain a buzz

Other countries have Mothers Day – just as we do. And Father’s Day – just as we do.

But we haven’t followed other countries in having National Orgasm Day.

At least, so far as the Grumbles are aware, the occasion went unnoticed in this country.

The Brits had their National Orgasm Day a few days ago and various newspapers marked the occasion in different ways.