Dunno what Russel Norman and his muesli-munching mates will make of this.
But news has reached your hard-working MP of a vegetarian who can’t stomach … ha! … greens.
This is a condition which afflicts all right-thinking Nats.
But whoa. In this case, Alf was mistaken.
This involves a British sheila who hasn’t eaten any greens for 21 years (and now all she eats is sweets and crisps)
The story is told here.
A vegetarian says she hasn’t eaten any greens for 21 years because she is terrified of vegetables.
Dee Vyas, 34, developed a fear of fruit and vegetables, known as lachanophobia, from a young age after being made to eat vegetables as a child.
So that’s it.
It affects just a few thousand people in Britain and treatments for the condition include ‘psychological re-programming’ to control the anxious response to seeing vegetables.
Alf must confess he suffers from something similar, which means he avoids things like spinach, broccoli and what-have-you, which in turn means he is left to hoe into double helpings of roast pork, roast spud and lots of gravy. Or fish and chips. Or a good pie.
A Big Mac is okay, so long as the green stuff is pulled out and fed to Alf’s grand-daughter’s pet rabbit.
But Alf would never convert to vegetarianism.
Being a vegetarian and having to avoid greens looks like a challenge for this Dee Vyas sheila.
Despite being a strict vegetarian, the office administrator hasn’t eaten a single vegetable or piece of fruit for 21 years, causing her health problems.
She said: ‘I panic if I see any fruit or vegetable on my plate. Tomatoes make me shudder and bananas make me cringe.”
Alf does not shudder at tomatoes, fair to say, and bananas do not make him cringe.
He does shudder whenever one of our Greens gets up to speak in the House, and he cringes, too, but the cringing is more at what comes out of the mouths of the likes of Russel Norman and Metiria Turei than what goes in.
So what possessed Dee to become a vegetarian?
‘It’s ironic that despite my fear of vegetables, I’m a vegetarian.”
She traces the root of her phobia to her experience of being compelled to eat fruit and veg by her parents when she was young.
She said: ‘I’ve never been able to stand the smell, taste or texture of meat. I’ve been vegetarian for my whole life.
‘But ever since I can remember, I’ve also recoiled at the sight of fruit and vegetables. If it was healthy or green, I didn’t like it.
‘It wasn’t just childish rebellion – I actually couldn’t stand the sight or taste of any vegetable or fruit I came across.
‘While I was growing up, my parents thought I was just a fussy eater. But vegetables left me sick as a dog so when I turned 12, I decided enough was enough.
Dee Vyas accordingly must survive – it sure isn't living – on an unhealthy diet.
She mainly eats rice, pasta, potato or other plain 'staple' foods as well as fizzy drinks, chocolate, crisps, cheese and cereal.
Inevitably, this means she is on the tubby side and weighs in at 9st 5lbs, which is overweight for her 5ft frame.
And she is embarrassed about her diet.
‘Even at work, it can be embarrassing, as I don’t want to draw my colleagues’ attention to my lunchbox, which usually contains a packet of crisps, a chocolate bar and a fizzy drink.
But Alf has huge sympathy with some of her dietary options.
‘Some days I’ll just have a liquid lunch – hot chocolate or coffee.’
Alf does the same, although his liquid lunch comes from the top shelf at The Eketahuna Club or Bellamys.