Brits will throw the book at you (but not The Good Book, presumably) if you bully people by praying

June 30, 2014
Get caught doing this in Britain and guess what? You are a bully.

Get caught doing this in Britain and guess what? You might be branded a bully.

Steer well clear of Britain, if you happen to be a Christian.

Doing some of the things that good Christians are supposed to do could land you in big trouble.

Praying to The Almnighty, for example.

Or inviting people to a church event.

Alf draws attention to the monstrous case of Victoria Wasteney, an occupational therapist, who has been condemned for inviting another woman – who happened to be a Muslim, but that should be neither here nor there – to a sports day at her church.

A disciplinary hearing has found her guilty of a further count of misconduct. Yep. The hapless Miss Wasteney offended by lending the colleague a book about a Muslim woman who converts to Christianity.

Now she is being denied basic liberties that the British Government has gone to war to uphold.

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The next man in as world cricket boss is chosen (and it’s not his bowling action that is suspect)

June 30, 2014
"But will I be bowled when that report comes out in September?"

“But will I be bowled when that report comes out in September?”

Alf missed the news last week that the International Cricket Council is to have a new boss soon.

He is none other than Narayanaswami Srinivasan, an Indian gentleman with pots of money.

There’s just one problem. Or rather, there’s at least one problem.

He is not currently acting as chairman of the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) while an investigation is being conducted into allegations of match-fixing related to the Chennai Super Kings, the team owned by Srinivasan’s company, India Cements.

His son-in-law, Gurunath Meiyappan, has been arrested and charged with illegally providing information to bookmakers.

And as a Guardian writer reminds us, Srinivasan was so obstructive to the course of justice that the supreme court of India demanded he step down from the BCCI.

“It is nauseating that Srinivasan continued as BCCI chief,” said Justice AK Patnaik. “He should go if cricket is to be cleaned.”


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We mustn’t shun all wankers – not the ones who could pull together for the export push

June 29, 2014
 Only one in 20 applicants will pass the screening process.

Only one in 20 applicants will pass the screening process.

Alf will be having a chat with Steven Joyce – our splendid Minister of Economic Development – with a very innovative idea he conceived while reading The Telegraph.

He will be proposing New Zealand encourages developing an industry of professional wankers.

Steven is likely to point out that New Zealand already has professional wankers, and there are far too many of the buggers, mainly to be found infesting the Labour and Green Parties, the NZ Party, the Internet Mana Party, some newspapers…

He then is likely to demand:

“So what the fuck are you on about, Alf?”

Or words to that effect.

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All Means All – and a hunger strike in jail should mean the pest is allowed to slowly waste away

June 28, 2014


And why – can someone explain – has All Means All been sent to hospital?

This irksome fellow with a very silly name has been banged up in Christchurch Men’s Prison and should be kept there.

But according to this report at Stuff, the plonker has been rushed to hospital again “as he continues his four-week hunger strike”.

All is serving a four-month sentence for repeatedly threatening to kill Prime Minister John Key in a series of letters.

The prison authorities should have left him in his cell to keep on doing what he wants to do, which is starve himself.


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Nobody had been stampeding to settle in Invercargill – but did you know shifting there might kill you?

June 27, 2014
No, not Siberia ... it's Invercargill's Eastern  Cemetery where Stewart Islanders prematurely finish up.

No, not Siberia … it’s Invercargill’s Eastern Cemetery where Stewart Islanders prematurely finish up.

The Grumbles have never contemplated retiring to anywhere but good old Eketahuna.

If they were to move, it would be to somewhere more agreeable than Invercargill, which finished up at the bottom of a very long list the Grumbles prepared last night (it included Baghdad, Damascus and Aleppo).

Their aversion to heading for Inverargill has been fortified by a dismaying revelation about what happens to people who do move there, presumably because of desperation.

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It was a big mistake – and a sin – to steal the chapel collection, but whose money is it?

June 26, 2014


Alf is feeling a great deal of sympathy for the hospital chaplain who has been stabbed by some low-life plonker in Taranaki.

He is also absorbing the profound theological implications of what happened – along with the semantic lessons.

You could argue the chaplain contributed to the mischief done to him by trying to hold on to some money.

The ownership of this money could be in dispute. Was it the chaplain’s or was it God’s, and if it was God’s, might God have given it to an impoverished down-and-outer?

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Oh joy – it seems Clark Gargle could be cheaper than we thought (if there is any demand for it at all)

June 25, 2014

Alf feels obliged – in the name of fair play – to record that businessman Donghua Liu has issued a new statement to the Herald about his contributions to the Labour Party.

Whether this means the record has been put straight can not be guaranteed, because a story that can be changed once can readily be changed again.

But for now, it is reasonable to say Liu might not have been as generous to the Lefties as it seemed a few days ago.

This will bring some relief to Lefties and a great deal of satisfaction to Alf, who could not imagine a shrewd businessman wanting to give the proverbial brass razoo to the Lefties.

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Locals of Tokoroa have good cause to be pissed off with council’s unimaginative dunny decision

June 24, 2014
Kawakawa shows the way...

Kawakawa shows the way…

The good citizens of Tokaroa have been sadly let down by the drones who sit on the South Waikato District Council.

The council has decided to close the town’s ladies-only restroom on June 27.

Toilet attendant Margaret Gabolinscy will then be flushed into a somewhat premature retirement.

The Waikato Times has apprised its readers (and Alf) of this serious – and ill-considered – state of affairs.

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Labour’s exorbitant liquor lark – $100,000 for a bottle of Clark Gargle looks a bit rich

June 22, 2014
Barker got the lolly ... Cunliffe has copped the hangover.

Liu’s partner got wine, Rick Barker got forgetful … and Cunliffe has got the hangover.

The authorities who police these things should take a bloody hard look at the way the Labour Party has got into the liquor trade.

Alf’s good mate Whale Oil drew attention a few weeks ago to a Labour Party fund-raiser in South Auckland, when those in attendance tossed coins at a bottle of whisky.

Alf’s fondness for good scotch might have tempted him to have a go at winning the bottle by these means, but he would have balked at having to travel to Auckland – a sad city he prefers to avoid – and he has been programmed never to do anything that would benefit the Labour Party.

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Good sense shows in talk about upholding hotel owners’ right to ensure against unmarried coupling

June 21, 2014
Give a dog a bad name and....

Give a dog a bad name and….

The Brits have shown us the way – or at least, one Brit has – in recent days.

No, not the England soccer team obviously.

The lesson in this case comes from a judge able to admit she was wrong (or may have been wrong) when she condemned a Christian couple for turning away gay guests from their hotel.

More important, this judge has invited an audience of legal luminaries in Ireland to have another think about matters of conscience and the protection of our rights in an awfully PC modern world.


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