Shoplifter was obviously intent on rumpy-pumpy – but what would he have done with the gum?

Please make sure you don't arouse the neighbours...

Please make sure you don’t arouse the neighbours…

The Grumbles long ago realised they had led sheltered rural lives, when it comes to engaging in anything much beyond the missionary position in the bedroom (and never anywhere else).

Alf did attempt something suggested by the Kama Sutra on one memorable occasion.

But he finished up with his limbs in such a knot, requiring the disentangling skills of good and very discrete neighbours, that he never again departed from the technique with which he is familiar.

Not even the suggestions to be found in Shades of Grey (according to Mrs Grumble) could dissuade him that novelty when indulging in nooky is best avoided.

For starters, the position pictured here seems awfully wrong because it requires the feller to perform in a suit.

When news recently arrived of a German sex-swing enthusiast being evicted from his flat after noise complaints – well, he was gob-smacked.

A German court has ruled that a landlord was within her rights to evict a man for persistently using a squeaky swing set as a sex prop in his flat late at night.

The court in Munich said on Friday that the unidentified man installed the "very old" chain swing set in 2012 and regularly disturbed his neighbours with "sexual, athletic and squeaking noises" late into the night, causing multiple complaints.

It noted his rental agreement included a clause to be quiet between 10pm and 7am.

In upholding the landlord's decision to evict him, the court focused on the tenant's use of the swing set, saying its use late at night "would no longer correspond to normal rental use, and must therefore not be tolerated as socially acceptable".

To fess up on this one, the Grumbles never knew there was such a thing as a sex swing.

Alf brings this naivete into considerations before examining the matter of a shoplifter whose urge for a bit of a hanky-panky was interrupted when he was caught in Queenstown yesterday.

The 18-year-old man was trying to the leave the Night ‘n Day store at 2.50am with three bottles of Durex lubricant, two packets of condoms and a packet of bubble gum, Constable Hugh O’Reilly said. “Everything was recovered and he was released with a warning,” he said.

The incident concluded a busy weekend for police in the resort on Friday night.

The Grumbles don’t need reminding about what one would do with Durex lubricant and two packets of condoms, although nowadays it might take them about three years to get through this supply.

But chewing gum?

What role would that play in the shop-lifter’s plans?

Alf will be asking his frisky friend Fred next time they meet. Fred has a flair for fancy fornicating techniques.

Oh – wait.

Maybe he should consult Goedele Liekens, a Belgian sex therapist and UN goodwill ambassador.

She has popped into the headlines because she believes that all children should get a qualification in sex education and she plans is to start a Jamie Oliver-style campaign to change the way British schools tackle the subject.

Goedele Liekens, a former Miss Belgium who presented the country’s edition of The Weakest Link, believes the way sex education is handled in British schools is “hopelessly out of date” and should begin “properly and comprehensively” at an early age.

Much as Oliver used a television series to campaign on school dinners, Liekens is to use a new Channel 4 programme, Sex in Class, to argue for a GCSE in sex education.

The programme will feature Liekens visiting the classrooms and homes of British schoolchildren, working with 15- and 16-year-olds to put together the basis of what she hopes could become a properly approved GCSE.

But Alf’s interest is purely personal, to find out how gum could be used in the bedroom.

He does not for a moment suggest TVNZ or the other channels should beam her programmes into Kiwi homes.

Among other things, she will be drawing the Brits’ attention to some things that might be acceptable in other countries but should not be taught here.

Teaching 10-year-olds all about masturbation, for example. The little buggers are wankers enough without getting their grubby hands on their naughty bits.

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