Alf has stumbled on a new word, something that normally would cause a great deal of excitement.
In this case he is disinclined to get too excited lest the cause of his excitement be misunderstood or lest suspicions be aroused about his reason for visiting some very strange websites.
For the same reason he won’t pass the word on to the lovely Ele at Homepaddock, a staunch member of the National Party and a lady with a special interest in unusual words and their meaning.
The word which has only just been brought to Alf’s attention (for those bursting to know) is ursusagalmatophilia.
To help readers comprehend the word’s meaning, Alf has illustrated this post with the picture above of a teddy bear.
Does it do anything for you? Any stirrings in your nether regions?
A positive response – according to the definition to be found here – means you may be afflicted with it.
If the image above is getting you hot, you may have Ursusagalmatophilia (a sexual fetish where you become aroused by teddy bears). This is also known as Plushophilia in some circles, although this term includes any stuffed animal and is not specific to teddy bears.
Alf would not normally be spending his Sunday morning looking up words like this on websites devoted to explaining some of the highly kinky things people get up to.
But he happened to be reading his online newspapers and tripped upon this account of the crime committed by a British plonker named Paul Mountain.
The Prosecutor was a Dominic Howells who would have struggled to keep a straight face while explaining that the owner of an allotment arrived at her shed to find the contents spread all around.
Among the shed wreckage was the unfortunate teddy bear.
He said: ‘That was passed to the police and semen found inside came back to this defendant.
‘He told officers he was coming down off amphetamine and felt overwhelming need for sexual relief.’
This is not the first recorded case of teddy bear sex.
Another plonker – this one a resident of Cincinatti, in the USA – has been convicted of a similar offence.
Actually, he is a repeat offender.
There’s one word to describe what Cincinnati local Charles Marshall was arrested for in June of this year: Ursusagalmatophilia. But if that’s too complicated, here’s the simple version: The man has sex with teddy bears in public.
It’s hard to know what’s worse. The fact that the word ursusagalmatophilia had to be coined in the first place. Or that Marshall has been arrested for defiling teddy bears in public four times.
And so Alf learned that people aroused by teddy bears are diagnosed with Ursuagalmatophilia.
Oh, for the record: Mountain, of Darwen, Lancashire, pleaded guilty to burglary of a shed near Darwen, with intent to steal.
He was remanded on bail for the preparation of a pre-sentence report.
Alf Grumble 