Alf can only imagine – with a profound sense of wonderment – the size of a turd that delayed the opening of a road tunnel in the capital city this morning.
This leads in turn to conjecture about the size of the bloke who deposited the turd and the nature of his dietary demands.
Alas, the proportions of the turd are not specifically stated in this report at Stuff.
Indeed, it might have been more splatter than solid matter.
Whatever, its volume must have been gargantuan if the time taken to clean up serves as a guide.
NZTA has insisted a 45-minute clean-up was necessary after a man defecated in Wellington’s Mt Victoria tunnel.
Alf has not cleaned up his own turds off a roadway, or any other public place, that he can recall – normally he deposits this stuff in a place from whence it can be quickly flushed.
But he has watched horse-owners picking up the poo left by their animals, and in 45 minutes they could have collected enough to fill several sacks.
The defecating Wellingtonian accordingly ought to be a starter for one of those Guinness World record title claims.
We get a further idea of the size of the turd from spokesman Anthony Frith, who said the agency was satisfied with the clean up time in off-peak traffic, and said the mess had to be cleaned up as it was an issue of both hygiene and road safety.
“If you think about it a little bit goes a long way – before you know it, it could be spread around the Basin Reserve,” Frith said.
This means there was enough bodily waste to be spread from the tunnel not only to the tunnel, but around it as well.
The busy commuter tunnel had been closed overnight for scheduled maintenance and had been scheduled to open at 6am.
But a clean-up crew was needed, delaying the time by 45 minutes.
There’s another clue to its size.
It needed a clean-up crew.
Frith said the incident caused no major traffic back-ups.
We may muse on how much and what it might have been that had backed up inside the bowels of this bloke, however, when so much resource had to be applied to cleaning up the inevitable outpouring.
Police said the man had jumped from the walkway of the central Wellington tunnel down to the road, where he dropped the offending material. They raised doubts about his sobriety.
Alf must confess that he and Mrs Grumble momentarily raised doubts about the sobriety of the NZTA staff who ordered the closure and clean-up.
But he would never impugn the reputations of these splendid civil servants publicly.
Anyway, they weren’t rabbiting on about pink elephants or flying pigs.
They were talking about a turd and even in his most inebriated moments Alf would never conjure a tale about one of those, no matter the generosity of its proportions in his booze-addled imagination.