If you want to be smart, keep off the bottle and stay latched to your mum’s breast for as long as you can

July 30, 2013

When asked (as he often is) about his stupendously high intelligence, Alf has given the credit to his genes.

But perhaps another factor comes into considerations.

This possibility (if not likelihood) is raised by a study that suggests the longer a person is breastfed, the greater is his or her receptive language at 3 years of age and verbal and nonverbal intelligence at age 7 years.

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Kyle’s mum can take heart – there will be a place for her lad in a Trappist choir, if he remains mute

March 23, 2013

Alf was fascinated by a report in the Dom-Post today (see here) about a lad of almost five who has taken reticence to an extreme.

The lad’s name is Kyle Sell and he has never talked.

He does not know his own name and has only just moved from a cot to a bed.

And the medical profession is baffled.

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Parents who don’t normally treasure your kids, please pay attention: this weekend is for you

March 2, 2013

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Oh, Gawd. Alf had been preparing to take refuge in the Eketahuna Club while Children’s Day was celebrated tomorrow.

But he had better get moving now and take refuge today.

He knew Children’s Day is officially marked on Sunday 3 March. Forewarned was forearmed.

But his colleague and good friend , Paula Bennett, has just advised him (here) the entire weekend will see communities get together across the country to celebrate children and positive parenting.

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The case for scrapping namby-pamby child-rearing is reinforced – so bring back whacking now

May 21, 2012

Its bring-back-the-birch day for your hard-working MP.

Actually, every day is bring-back-the birch day for him, but three separate stories at Stuff highlight the need for parents to give up their molly-coddling approach to discipline.

The same goes for teachers.

The Bible Says:

“He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes” (Proverbs

We are ignoring this good advice: we are sparing the rod and spoiling the sprogs.

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Santa’s workload has been calculated – he has just two minutes to deliver presents to Kiwi kids

December 27, 2011


Alf has stumbled upon the answer to a question that has puzzled him for as long as he can remember.

The question is: what exactly is Santa’s Christmas Eve workload?

The job obviously is formidable.

There are 728,000 or so kids in this country alone.

Not only must Santa get around the world in 24 hours on a sleigh driven by reindeer, but he must scramble up and down millions of chimneys with a sackful of presents.

And he does his delivering in the dark.

But in the many pictures of him, have you ever seen soot on his suit?

And have you studied the size of his sleigh, then asked how many presents it could actually carry?

Philip Bump, at The Atlantic, obviously has been puzzled by these things, too.

He answers the question about the workload here.

He has considered the number of Christian children in the world and the geographic distribution of those children.

And he has come up with these findings:

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If you want your kids to be smarter – then try spacing them two years (or more) apart

November 19, 2011

But if you want to produce good-looking offspring, maybe you should try something else.

So you want your kids to be brighter than everybody else’s brats?

Don’t we all.

Or rather (in the case of the Grumbles) we once did – nowadays we are a bit past bringing new generations of Kiwis into the world.

So this post is for younger constituents.

If they are still in the business of breeding, and if they want their kids to be above average (like all the children at Lake Woebegone) , they could benefit from a new study (PDF here) by University of Notre Dame economist Kasey Buckles and graduate student Elizabeth Munnich.

In a nutshell, their research points to how to produce bright offsping.

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Clucky sheilas give up looking for Mr Right and simply go shopping on line for sperm donors

October 10, 2011

Can blokes like these be spawned from on-line sperm shopping?

Now we are finding what happens when we raise a generation of pansies. Young women want to go to bed with a real bloke.

At least, that’s what Pommy sheilas are doing, and Alf imagines much the same thing will happen here if it isn’t happening already.

When the British bints can’t find the bloke of their choice, they just sit down with their laptops, go on-line and order a load of sperm to put themselves in the Pudding Club.

Increasing numbers of women are turning to internet sperm donors to become mothers after failing to find the man of their dreams.

Scores of women in their early twenties are logging on to websites such as babydonor.com and co-parent-search.com to find fathers for their children.

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