We’re in sad shape, Boss, when someone like Jacinda can have you saying sorry for your quips

November 12, 2014
...at least, not until my jokes fall flat.

…at least, not until my jokes fall flat.

Dunno why The Boss is apologising for making a joking referenceto convicted murderer Phillip John Smith fleeing the country.

But he is apologising, according to the Herald and other media.

As everybody in the Eketahuna Club seems to know, Smith was let out on temporary release from jail without anyone having the wit to think maybe he should be electronically monitored.

He did a bunk and flew to Chile using a passport obtained in his birth name.

And – so far as the best guess has it – he is now somehow in Brazil.

Sure, it hasn’t been much fun for the family of Smith’s victims. They have said they were fearful and some got police protection.

But there’s a funny side to it, if you have a wry sense of humour, including the increasing evidence that maybe Smith should be running the Corrections Department instead of the officials now in charge.

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And who said you were unlikely to find romance among blokes from a nation of porridge-eaters?

December 16, 2012

Yep, a bloke has to be on his guard against man-hungry spinsters today

February 29, 2012

And there are many more where these were spotted…

The Daily Mail has published these in an article geared for Leap Day, noting that the last day of February in a leap year means only one thing – women can propose to men.

The paper says any bloke feeling anxious about this once-every-four-years phenomenon may like to take advice from a collection of ‘leap year’ postcards by Donald McGill.

The postcards, which date from the early 1900s when it was deemed improper for women to propose, all feature warnings to men about getting trapped by undesirable women on the only day they could traditionally pop the question.

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Published in the Anzac spirit as a Rugby World Cup salute to our neighbours

September 10, 2011


A roast that went awry: Fane’s fun folly lands him in hot fat with Jews and AIDS sufferers

June 27, 2010

This apologising thing is becoming an epidemic.

Alf hears from Radio NZ about some TV and radio performer who reportedly is apologising for making deprecatory remarks about Jews and AIDS of the sort that are apt to get a deprecator into deep trouble among Jews and AIDS sufferers and especially among Jews who happen to be afflicted with AIDS.

But it’s fair to say the impulse to say sorry has not gripped the deprecator’s employers at the The Radio Network and TV3. Last night they were ducking for cover and refusing to apologise, according to the HoS.

In its account of what happened, the HoS refers to the deprecator as a top TV star, although Alf had never actually heard of him, which either reflects badly on Alf’s understanding of who is a star (and how stars differ from celebrities), or of the HoS’s inclination to make celebrities of any old Joe Blow.

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Eureka – a new element

March 7, 2010

Nothing much grabbed Alf’s attention in the Sunday newspapers this morning. He will send them straight to the recycling bin.

But here’s something he spotted about a scientific discovery a few weeks ago.

He is strong on science, is your Alf, and believes the discovery should have some application in this country, although he has yet to figure what it might be.

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.


A bloody good question…

March 4, 2010