A small confession: Alf is not averse to a bit of biffo, in appropriate circumstances.
Another confession: he happens to regard Paul Henry as fondly as he regards a moth or fly that has flown on a kamikaze mission into his whisky.
And thirdly, as a firm believer in human rights, Alf staunchly stands by a bloke’s right to be a bigot.
Accordingly he feels tempted to take a dim view of the fellow who has been accused of assaulting Paul Henry and who allegedly told police the television presenter was “a racist and a bigot who should expect consequences for his views”.
Guilt- it must be emphasised – has yet to be established.
When Alf drives from Eketahuna to Parliament to apply his enormous talents to the country’s governance, he passes through the town of Greytown.
And somewhere in the district in or around Greytown (he hasn’t actually gone looking) he would find a couple who are making a name for themselves for defying the microchippers.
One of the stroppy twosome is 72-year-old John Edward Phelps, who a year or so ago failed to persuade a judge his 10 lap dogs had been mustering sheep on his family farm.
His crime – if you can call it that – was the consequence of the legislative folly of the previous Labour Government, which made microchipping of pooches compulsory in response to a few maulings of children.
The contempt some business people show for the laws of the land gets bigger every Easter.
The deal seems to be that if you are a corporate law-breaker the authorities will turn a blind eye but if you are some other sort of crim, then you should be caught and (if Alf is sitting on the bench) flung into jail for a long time.
It’s bollocks and makes it hard for Alf to press for all law-breakers to be rounded up and punished.
But that, sadly, is the way things have turned out.
We refer to Judge Chris Sygrove, who has given a criminal with a long history of offending the chance to stay out of jail.
We he should do this is somewhat bewildering to Alf, who is a great believer in banging up bad buggers for as long as the law will allow, and even longer if there’s a chance of getting away with it.
He has some sympathy for the Muslim approach to these matters and the practice of lopping off the hands of pilferers.
And he has never quite grasped why so many Western countries have dispensed with the gallows, the guillotine and other wonderful instruments of behavioural improvement, including the rack, the stocks and the ducking stool.
He certainly is disinclined to give second chances to blokes with a history of burglary and of being banged up but not learning their lesson.
School discipline and the punishment of delinquent lads suffered a setback today.
As a consequence two St Bede’s College students from Christchurch were enabled to row with their school’s Maadi Cup rowing team instead of being given six of the best on their bums with a cane, which is the punishment Alf would have meted out.
They can thank a judge and their parents for the leniency they have encountered (a family who apparently does not subscribe to the view that sparing the rod will spoil the children).
The two boisterous lads have been named as Jordan Kennedy and Jack Bell.