Little maybe lost his head on the royal birth – and an unforgiving Alf would ensure he didn’t get it back

May 3, 2015

Alf is dismayed that he has not been contacted by the news media to ascertain his reaction to the birth of another Royal.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s second child was born in the early hours of Saturday morning (UK time) and weighed 8 pounds 3 ounces (3.7 kilograms).

Probably the media hacks are sitting on their bums waiting for press statements.

There won’t be one – at least, not from Alf.

But he takes great pleasure in observing that other leaders have sent their congratulations.

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Crikey, cobber – if the Aussies were to change their flag, one reason for changing ours would be gone

January 27, 2015

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Some Aussie bloke has popped up to wave the flag for a change of flag.

The Aussie flag, let’s be clear.

He’s a broadcaster by name of Ray Martin, which suggests his mouth is probably given more exercise than his brain, and accordingly his opinions should be regarded with a certain wariness.

But Alf is prepared to back the bugger on this occasion.

For starters, he was surprised to find an Aussie who knows how to spell “flag” and will be even more impressed if he finds an Aussie who knows how to fly one.

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Our Maori Prince shouldn’t feel too ashamed of his racist slur – British royals can do much the same

July 9, 2014


King Edward III later abdicated to marry one of the Simpsons.

King Edward III later abdicated to marry one of the Simpsons.

The Maori King's son is being given a raw deal, perhaps being judged by the standards of unfairly minded people rather than by the common-sense standards applied in the Grumble household.

Let's revise that. "Common" is not the word to be applied here, because the Grumbles are monarchists and apply monarchic standards to the behaviour of those with royal blood pumping through their privileged veins.

By this standard, there's nothing untoward in Prince Karotangi Paki's Facebook page containing racist comments.

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Silver ferns and flummery – why we should be fulminating against refurbishing the flag

January 31, 2014

“Well, unfurl my flannels from the rooftop,” Alf fumed when The Boss mused on whether NZ should have a new flag.

For the most part your hard-working representative has a huge respect for The Boss. But now and again…

Perhaps dear old John fell under the republican spell of that Obama feller while the pair of them were walloping golf balls around a course in Hawaii during the Christmas holidays. Alf refers, of course, to republicanism as distinct from monarchy, not Republican versus Democrat.

Whatever has smitten John Key, it has erased the regard he should hold for the Union Jack and Southern Cross components of the national flag (especially the Union Jack bit). He would have them replaced – ye gods – by a silver fern.

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The odds aren’t great that the new prince will be called Alfred – but Alfred was a great King

July 23, 2013

The Grumbles have just framed the nice letter they received from a flunky in the household of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Our advice on a name for the royal baby – we were pleased to know – had been greatly appreciated by the royal couple.

The framed letter will sit proudly on the mantlepiece.

The name we suggested, of course, was Alfred.

We drew the prince’s attention to these critical details about his royal predecessor, who was one of England’s early monarchs and the only one to be called “the Great”.

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Having one Queen wave to us from the balcony is great – but two? No, that would be an outrage

January 28, 2013

Britain has its political tossers, too, and not surprisingly they are to be found in the Labour Party.

Their ranks include one Paul Flynn, who has outraged Alf on two fronts – on the matter of the monarchy and on the matter of gay marriage.

Alf is thoroughly in favour of the former and hostile towards the latter.

But that’s just to state where he stands before he proceeds to examine the wildly woolly-woofter thinking of the aforementioned Paul Flynn.

This Pommy MP (as you can see here) wants to change the law of royal succession so the monarch could have a gay partner.

Bloody hell.

Just imagine a pair of poofs standing on the balcony at Buckingham Palace, waving to the throng below as our – well, as our Queen and his Queen.

Or their female equivalents.

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We can rule out Kate delivering royal twins, but the gender of her sprog is a matter for wagering

January 15, 2013

Excitement is mounting in the Grumble household, as news drips through about our yet-to-be-born future monarch.

From London, we learn (here) that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s baby is due in July.

And from Christchurch (here), we learn that Britain’s Foreign Secretary is not privy to information about whether a future king or a future queen will pop out, when the gestation period has expired.

The Foreign Secretary, of course, is a bloke named Hague, and the headline writers have delighted in saying Hague is vague about the gender of the royal sprog.

But it’s fair to say the Daily Mail is a tad vague, too, about Kate’s condition. It says the Duchess of Cambridge, 31, is believed to be 13 to 14 weeks pregnant, and the confirmation of the birth month means it’s likely she’s had a 12-week scan.

More certainly, it reports there are no twins, tucked inside the royal womb.

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