Little maybe lost his head on the royal birth – and an unforgiving Alf would ensure he didn’t get it back

May 3, 2015

Alf is dismayed that he has not been contacted by the news media to ascertain his reaction to the birth of another Royal.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s second child was born in the early hours of Saturday morning (UK time) and weighed 8 pounds 3 ounces (3.7 kilograms).

Probably the media hacks are sitting on their bums waiting for press statements.

There won’t be one – at least, not from Alf.

But he takes great pleasure in observing that other leaders have sent their congratulations.

Read the rest of this entry »


Crikey, cobber – if the Aussies were to change their flag, one reason for changing ours would be gone

January 27, 2015

images (9)

Some Aussie bloke has popped up to wave the flag for a change of flag.

The Aussie flag, let’s be clear.

He’s a broadcaster by name of Ray Martin, which suggests his mouth is probably given more exercise than his brain, and accordingly his opinions should be regarded with a certain wariness.

But Alf is prepared to back the bugger on this occasion.

For starters, he was surprised to find an Aussie who knows how to spell “flag” and will be even more impressed if he finds an Aussie who knows how to fly one.

Read the rest of this entry »


Our Maori Prince shouldn’t feel too ashamed of his racist slur – British royals can do much the same

July 9, 2014

princes

King Edward III later abdicated to marry one of the Simpsons.

King Edward III later abdicated to marry one of the Simpsons.

The Maori King's son is being given a raw deal, perhaps being judged by the standards of unfairly minded people rather than by the common-sense standards applied in the Grumble household.

Let's revise that. "Common" is not the word to be applied here, because the Grumbles are monarchists and apply monarchic standards to the behaviour of those with royal blood pumping through their privileged veins.

By this standard, there's nothing untoward in Prince Karotangi Paki's Facebook page containing racist comments.

Read the rest of this entry »


Silver ferns and flummery – why we should be fulminating against refurbishing the flag

January 31, 2014

“Well, unfurl my flannels from the rooftop,” Alf fumed when The Boss mused on whether NZ should have a new flag.

For the most part your hard-working representative has a huge respect for The Boss. But now and again…

Perhaps dear old John fell under the republican spell of that Obama feller while the pair of them were walloping golf balls around a course in Hawaii during the Christmas holidays. Alf refers, of course, to republicanism as distinct from monarchy, not Republican versus Democrat.

Whatever has smitten John Key, it has erased the regard he should hold for the Union Jack and Southern Cross components of the national flag (especially the Union Jack bit). He would have them replaced – ye gods – by a silver fern.

Read the rest of this entry »


The odds aren’t great that the new prince will be called Alfred – but Alfred was a great King

July 23, 2013

The Grumbles have just framed the nice letter they received from a flunky in the household of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Our advice on a name for the royal baby – we were pleased to know – had been greatly appreciated by the royal couple.

The framed letter will sit proudly on the mantlepiece.

The name we suggested, of course, was Alfred.

We drew the prince’s attention to these critical details about his royal predecessor, who was one of England’s early monarchs and the only one to be called “the Great”.

Read the rest of this entry »


Having one Queen wave to us from the balcony is great – but two? No, that would be an outrage

January 28, 2013

Britain has its political tossers, too, and not surprisingly they are to be found in the Labour Party.

Their ranks include one Paul Flynn, who has outraged Alf on two fronts – on the matter of the monarchy and on the matter of gay marriage.

Alf is thoroughly in favour of the former and hostile towards the latter.

But that’s just to state where he stands before he proceeds to examine the wildly woolly-woofter thinking of the aforementioned Paul Flynn.

This Pommy MP (as you can see here) wants to change the law of royal succession so the monarch could have a gay partner.

Bloody hell.

Just imagine a pair of poofs standing on the balcony at Buckingham Palace, waving to the throng below as our – well, as our Queen and his Queen.

Or their female equivalents.

Read the rest of this entry »


We can rule out Kate delivering royal twins, but the gender of her sprog is a matter for wagering

January 15, 2013

Excitement is mounting in the Grumble household, as news drips through about our yet-to-be-born future monarch.

From London, we learn (here) that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s baby is due in July.

And from Christchurch (here), we learn that Britain’s Foreign Secretary is not privy to information about whether a future king or a future queen will pop out, when the gestation period has expired.

The Foreign Secretary, of course, is a bloke named Hague, and the headline writers have delighted in saying Hague is vague about the gender of the royal sprog.

But it’s fair to say the Daily Mail is a tad vague, too, about Kate’s condition. It says the Duchess of Cambridge, 31, is believed to be 13 to 14 weeks pregnant, and the confirmation of the birth month means it’s likely she’s had a 12-week scan.

More certainly, it reports there are no twins, tucked inside the royal womb.

Read the rest of this entry »


Republican ruffians don’t need to be interviewed to tell the cops they are trouble-makers

October 28, 2012

Gotta say Alf was becoming a bit hot and bothered about the cops, and the courts, after a special police unit’s botching of two high-profile investigations.

The unit in question was the Organised and Financial Crime Agency and as TV3 reported (here), it is the outfit that –

* Led the troubled inquiry into internet millionaire Kim Dotcom; and

* Ran an undercover gang operation that’s been slammed by a judge.

Mind you, we should be more than a bit bothered, too, that Police Minister Anne Tolley says she has no concerns about the botched investigations.

Really?

Even when a High Court justice found an undercover operation into a gang in Nelson abused court process, with a fake warrant and false charges?

Read the rest of this entry »


Calls for getting rid of religious hate are welcomed but who will fight for Kate’s honour?

September 20, 2012

St George…so where is his modern-day equivalent?

Where are the bloody champions of civilized behaviour when a lady’s honour needs defending?

Alf raises this question after a bunch of religious leaders condemned the film that has sparked violent protests among the world’s Muslims and extreme reactions to it.

They have issued a statement (here) through the Office of Joris de Bres, the Race Relations Commissioner.

The statement is not likely to do a fat rat of good where it matters, which is among mad bastards who want to provoke Muslims with their ill-considered movies, cartoons, books or whatever, or among those Muslims with low tolerance thresholds who don’t need much of a pretext to declare a jihad or go on the rampage.

Some of the provocateurs on the publishing side of the issue can be found in France.

A bunch of feeble-witted Frogs has been involved in the publication of inflammatory cartoons of The Prophet Mohammad.

Are they really so short-changed in the thinking department that they don’t realise cartoons of this sort trigger much the same reaction as a match being tossed into a tank of petrol?

Read the rest of this entry »


Bugger bringing in the lawyers over pix of Kate’s bare boobs – this outrage calls for a war declaration

September 15, 2012

As an ardent monarchist, Alf is dismayed by news that a French magazine has published topless photographs of the Duchess of Cambridge.

Mind you, his dismay was tinged with puzzlement for a while, because when the media said these were topless photographs – well, did they mean someone had cut the tops off the photos, and if so how much of the photos remained and what did they show?

A closer reading of newspaper reports on the matter shows dismay was the appropriate reaction, because we are talking of – ahem – photos of bare bosoms.

This being so, it is fit and proper that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have begun legal proceedings against the French magazine which did the publishing.

Read the rest of this entry »