No, you don’t have to be a lush to win this prize – you must bat for the bunnies (and other creatures)

November 21, 2014


Dammit, for a moment or two today Alf felt he had been harshly treated.

A bunch of Kiwis had been awarded something called the LUSH Prize.

Alf imagined that if a LUSH prize was up for grabs, someone somewhere surely had nominated him.

The idea he had missed out was enough to drive him – well, to drink, actually.

But Mrs Grumble soon put him right.

This, she assured him, was a LUSH Prize that no hard-working anti-PC redneck would want to win.

This was assuring.

And indeed, it was a prize Alf would not want to display in his trophy cabinet.

The award was the 2014 LUSH Prize for lobbying against animal testing.

It was made to an outfit called the the New Zealand Anti-Vivisection Society.

The buggers are obviously proud of it, because they issued a media statement to brag that they had won it for having animal testing of legal highs banned.

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Falkenstein is fair fuming – but if a Whale flattened an offensive against fizz, so what?

August 15, 2014


A bloke can stick up a water tank and collect the stuff when it falls on the roof. For free.

Alf refers, of course, to water.

It’s something he prefers to avoid, although he does consume his share of it in his tea and coffee. And some of his mates put a drop of it into their whisky.

If you don’t get it straight from the skies and into a water tank, which is true for most people nowadays, you can turn a tap and it will flow into a jug, your kitchen sink or the bath.

This being so it has seemed odd to Alf that anyone would want to buy their water in a plastic bottle from the supermarket, then have to hump it home.

But it takes all sorts, eh?

And when there are customers bursting to buy their water in plastic bottles at a supermarket, there will will be someone willing to supply it.

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BB says nah to PR – she’s strictly PA

April 21, 2009

Alf regrets he has wronged BB, the big-bosomed bird from Bluff who brings us the rambunctious and widely admired Roarprawn.

In his posting about Peta’s failure to get any traction with its attempt to convert Nick Smith to vegetarianism, he said they needed public relations help and proposed (with nothing but good intentions) they recruit the aforementioned BB.

She has corrected him . Her business has nothing to do with PR, she points out. Her work is public affairs.

Alf pleads ignorance. We have neither public relations firms, nor public affairs ones, here in Eketahuna.

He is tempted to inquire about the difference between the two lines of business. What does a PR practitioner do that a PA practitioner does not do? And the other way around?

He’s a simple soul, and imagines it might be like the distinction between describing yourself on your business card as a moll or a courtesan. But he won’t delve.

Suffice to say, if BB has taken offence, he apologises. He does so unreservedly.

As for his proposition that she could become trimmer by turning to vegetarianism, he appreciates her trenchantly expressed rejection. On reflection, all other ideas for losing weight are better than the Peta diet.

Tickling this PETA would be a nice job for BB

April 20, 2009

PETA needs someone like BB and BB would benefit from membership of PETA.

Alf, accordingly, has sent her name to them with an application for immediate membership and a bit of stuff about how she could do for PETA’s media coverage what an unfortunate burst of domestic violence has done for Tony Veitch. Get its name all over the front pages of our newspapers and heavy coverage on radio and TV.

PETA is shorthand for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (although there’s no need to remember this, because their cause is an eminently unmemorable one).

They desperately need good public relations advice, although – even better – they desperately need to find a better cause to peddle.

They banged out a statement on Friday pleading with Environment Minister Nick Smith to become a vegetarian to reduce carbon emissions.
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