Alf makes no secret of his strong royalist leanings and great admiration for the monarchy and for Queen Elizabeth 11.
No job to serve Her Majesty would be too menial, too onerous or too messy.
Accordingly he is offering his services today as a royal axeman, willing to lop off the head of whoever has been guilty of high treason in The Palace kitchen.
Dunno if the bastard – obviously a closet republican – has been identified yet.
But he or she has fed the royal corgis frozen and reheated dog tucker instead of the freshly cooked meals Her Majesty requires for them.
According to sources, the Queen, who is on holiday at Balmoral, was furious when she made the discovery while dishing up her pets’ supper one evening.