Heads should roll after reheated tucker – oh, the outrage – is fed to Her Majesty’s corgis

Alf makes no secret of his strong royalist leanings and great admiration for the monarchy and for Queen Elizabeth 11.

No job to serve Her Majesty would be too menial, too onerous or too messy.

Accordingly he is offering his services today as a royal axeman, willing to lop off the head of whoever has been guilty of high treason in The Palace kitchen.

Dunno if the bastard – obviously a closet republican – has been identified yet.

But he or she has fed the royal corgis frozen and reheated dog tucker instead of the freshly cooked meals Her Majesty requires for them.

According to sources, the Queen, who is on holiday at Balmoral, was furious when she made the discovery while dishing up her pets’ supper one evening.

A boy racer, maybe – but if so, he’s a right royal boy racer simply doing what blue bloods are apt to do

"Well, I won't be breaking any speed limits in this bloody thing."

It’s good to see the Maori Royal Family are getting the hang of the royalty business.

A bit of scandal is part of it.

This includes breaking the speed limit, if we are to follow the example of European royals, but a blue-blooded young buck could get up to other sorts of mischief.

Pump the words “royal” and “scandal” into Google, and you will get plenty of hits.

The Telegraph, one of Alf’s favourite newspapers, wrapped up a few of them in one article.

Example:

In 1891, the Duke of Clarence, son of the future Edward VII, discussed the possibility of paying off two prostitutes he had met, in exchange for the return of two letters he had sent to them.

Details of the Duke’s indiscretions did not come to light until incriminating letters were auctioned at Bonhams in 2002 for £8,220.

Writing at the time, the Duke confided: “I am very pleased that you have been able to settle with Miss Richardson, although £200 is rather expensive for letters.

It’s a bloody outrage – a bloke from Zimbabwe will be at the wedding while the Grumbles watch on TV

Alf will be proud to place his whisky glass on this Prince William & Kate Middleton Wedding Commemorative Coaster.

Alf was delighted to read of the Royalist leanings of Aaron Hape and Chloe Oldfield, who strike him as being a splendid couple (and probably worth recruiting into the National Party).

According to the Dom-Post, they will be celebrating the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton tonight under red, white and blue streamers and before a portrait of the Queen.

Mr Hape said they were expecting about 30 guests – who have all been asked to dress for the occasion, whatever their views on the monarchy – at the party at their flat in Brooklyn, Wellington.

“I’ve asked people to come in formal dress, and I’ll be making cucumber sandwiches.”

Alf wouldn’t bother inviting anyway who was not a staunch monarchist.

But he admires the 19-year-old Victoria University student who apparently co-ordinates the Wellington arm of Monarchy New Zealand.

He admires his taste in sheilas, too.

HRH has missed out as our next GG – but the sits vac show we’ll soon need a bigwig at GCSB

If it's a military background we need, here's the man.

Okay, so Alf bombed out on the GG’s job.

He has been deeply depressed since learning the Queen has appointed former Defence chief Jerry Mateparae, who – for good measure – will get the knighthood that Alf for years has hoped might come his way.

Jerry (a splendid fellow, let the record show) will become the next Governor-General in August, to begin a five-year term when Sir Anand Satyanand steps down.

The Herald says –

He will be 56 when he becomes New Zealand’s 20th Governor-General and Prime Minister John Key said yesterday that his relatively young age was a factor in choosing him.

“I just think we are a young, modern country. It’s a great fit for what we are doing,” he said. Mr Key said he had compiled a list but General Mateparae was his first choice.

The deeply depressed Alf discerns more than a whiff of ageism in that remark.

Hurrah for the royals – it will take much more than a cowardly assault on their Rolls to rattle them

"I think we should take a cab and a different route next time."

There's plenty of room in here for the bloody rioters.

Well done that man, Alf says of Prince Charles.

He and his wife Camilla will not be scaling back their public engagements or abandoning walkabouts.

The Rolls-Royce carrying them were attacked during violent protests against higher university fees.

Every member of that baying mob – of course – should be rounded up and flung into the Tower of London, which would swiftly and simply take care of their fees complaints. Their study days will be over.

What the rabble did surely amounts to high treason.

It certainly would have been high treason in the good old days before the democracy caper gained too much currency.

Welcome Prince William – what a shame we don’t behead anti-royalist rabble nowadays

Unabashed royalists like Alf are chuffed that Prince William arrives in New Zealand today for a three-day visit.

He will be there, enthusiastically waving his Union Jack and wearing his tie with the Queen’s face emblazoned on it, when William touches down in Auckland just after 11am.

The prince’s first task will be to visit Eden Park to see redevelopment work and be briefed on plans for next year’s Rugby World Cup.

On Monday, he will attend a wreathlaying ceremony at the National War Memorial in Wellington.

But then – if it hasn’t happened already – the poor bugger will be exposed to the repugnant antics of some of our more odious citizens.

A bunch of protesters is intending to turn up when the prince opens the Supreme Court building in Wellington tomorrow.

Alf is ashamed to say some of our members of Parliament will be among the protesters.

He yearns for the good old days – a few centuries back – when your royals could have ordered the beheading of these rabble-rousing bastards.

In this case they are left-leaning trouble-makers, so their beheadings would lift the nation’s average IQ with two swings of an axe and do good things for the gene pool.

A right royal lesson in coping with recession

Alf – a great admirer of royalty and the royals – today salutes his Queen for setting an example on how to lower the household bills in tough times.

In The Herald today, he found this inspiring news from the Observer.

As a 14-year-old, she picked up a spade and joined the rest of wartime Britain in the Dig for Victory campaign. Seven decades later, though no longer wielding the spade herself, the Queen, now 83, has again embraced the “grow your own” movement.

For the first time since the war, fruit and vegetables are to be found in an allotment-sized plot in the gardens of Buckingham Palace.

Prince again makes a Charlie of the Republicans

Never mind that dear old Prince Charles may well have been right in saying he gets results from talking to his plants.

The sad truth is too many people have regarded him as a bit potty, for his botanical practices.

Having him as heir to the Throne accordingly has been something of a handicap for we Royalists.

Handicap or not, a poll suggests more Kiwis would prefer him as next King than a switch to Republicanism.