We should all be quaking on learning that nudity can have disastrous consequences

June 8, 2015
So who offended the spirits on this occasion?

So who offended the spirits on this occasion?

Alf has been shaken not by an earthquake but by the realisation that earthquakes may be caused by nudity and piddling in places other than dunnies.

He has been alerted to this phenomenon in a troubling report from Petaling Jaya, a city not far from Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia.

The headline grimly advises readers… 

Sabah quake: Mount Kinablu may be “angry” with nudists, say locals

Then there’s this dismaying first para:

 The 7.17am earthquake in Ranau may have been caused by aki (mountain protectors) angered over tourists who stripped and urinated at Mount Kinabalu.

These mountain protectors, Alf imagines, are akin to our taniwha.

This being so he will be showing much greater respect than previously, next time he meets a taniwha.

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Well done, Beatrice, for deciding against a space trip – now let’s see if Kim Dotcom can have your seat(s)

November 3, 2014
The head gear's far out, but she's staying down here on earth.

The head gear’s far out, but she’s staying down here on earth.

Alf is delighted to learn that one of the Royals has had the good sense to reconsider becoming a pioneering space tourist.

Princess Beatrice was expected to be one of Sir Richard Branson’s most famous passengers. But the Daily Mail reassures us today she will not be going anywhere near his Virgin Galactic spacecraft after a test pilot was killed last week.

The story has been written by a newspaper scribe with a name that suggests he has writing in his genes, Sebastian Shakespeare.

‘Beatrice was excited by the idea of space tourism, but there is no way she will be going on one of the flights, if they are ever allowed to take place,’ a source close to Buckingham Palace tells me.

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Great idea … the closer you live to the ticket booth, the cheaper should be your entry fee

October 1, 2014
A cheaper deal is on offer for locals.

A cheaper deal is on offer for locals.

The Waitangi National Trust has concocted a fee-charging formula that should be applied more widely around the country.

Under this formula, people who live close to the Waitangi Treaty Ground are treated more favourably than people who live further away.

The scheme was disclosed in a news item from Radio NZ after the trust decided to make people pay to get into the treaty grounds.

As of Saturday, as Alf understands it, New Zealanders will pay $15 to visit the treaty grounds with children up to 18 free if accompanied by parents or caregivers.

The charge for overseas visitors will remain at $25 with children free.

The Waitangi National Trust is telling us that charging Kiwis is necessary because the drop in tourism caused by the global financial crisis means there are no longer enough fee-paying overseas visitors to subsidise free entry for locals.

This has raised the dander of Kelvin Davis and taken his mind – for now – off his party’s leadership circus (which itself would command an entry fee and pull in crowds of those who enjoy a great farce).

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Left hand down a bit – oh, bugger, it looks like Italy is closer than we thought

January 15, 2012

The short distance between ship and shore is what most amazed Alf, when he checked out the Daily Mail’s pictures of the cruise ship which capsized off the coast of Italy.

The Costa Concodia overturned after hitting rocks or a sandbar.

But it was only just off the coast.

It finished up so bloody close to a nearby village that it was in serious danger of becoming a road hazard.

This proximity to dry land makes nonsense of the accounts given by some passengers of this being like the sinking of the Titanic.

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Let’s not take BBC bloke so bloody seriously – but this isn’t Paradise for tourists, either

January 13, 2012

Why would a Yorkshireman want to come here...

...when he can admire this scenery every day?

Just because a bloke is a radio host does not mean he should be taken seriously.

To the contrary, anything and everything your typical radio host says should be dismissed as grist for the mill of entertaining and amusing an audience of people who can’t afford television sets.

Hence Alf is astonished to find how much excitement has been generated by a BBC radio host by name of Toby Foster.

As things turn out, this feller tells us he was “just having a bit of a laugh” when he slagged Kiwis as “crazy” and “boring” and said that New Zealand had “sod all” except for earthquakes on his breakfast radio programme on Monday.

BBC Radio Sheffield’s Toby Foster had a rant after wrongly reporting that an Australian woman, who survived a plunge into Africa’s crocodile-infested Zambezi River when her bungy cord snapped, was Kiwi.

He said yesterday: “It was quarter to nine on a Monday morning, I was just having a bit of a laugh.”

So how does Toby Foster get his laughs?

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Shark-cage operators put the bite on Govt about safety – but is competition their real worry?

December 28, 2011

Code or no code, Alf prefers to get his kicks elsewhere.

Dunno why southern shark tourism operators are making such a fuss about cowboy operators.

They are expressing concerns that the unregulated industry could lead to cowboy operators coming to the Foveaux area.

And these cowboys – they reckon – will put peoples’ lives in danger because they do not know what they are doing.

The reality, Alf suspects, could be that the incumbent operators are pissed off at the prospect of competition and want the industry regulated to make it easier for themselves to make a buck.

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Taxpayers will avoid a capital farce by putting ownership of a plastic waka directly into Maori hands

April 6, 2011

If they built a waka similar to this, which end would be the bow?

The Herald today is headlining a story about another handout to hapu.

The opening paragraph of the report says the Government’s gift of almost $2 million to the hapu to build a plastic waka for the Rugby World Cup has drawn outrage from some MPs.

But outrage, or any response of a critical nature, is bound to be the stuff of sour-grapes politicking from pissed off Opposition MPs who wish they had thought of it first.

The money being extracted from your pockets and mine, dear constituent, is going to a good cause.

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