It’s so bad, it’s a winner

June 30, 2009

Alf is miffed after yet again failing to win a prize in the annual bad writing contest.

The prize has gone to a shambling sentence about screaming seafarers on the sturdy whaler Ellie May during a storm.

David McKenzie, 55, of Federal Way, Washington state, won the grand prize in San Jose State University’s annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest with this:

“Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin’ off Nantucket Sound from the nor’ east and the dogs are howlin’ for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the ‘Ellie May,’ a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin’ and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests.”

Nah. Alf’s worst effort was nowhere near as bad.

But he could pluck a convuluted sentence or two from some of the departmental reports that flow his way and submit them, with a good chance of taking the prize, if only they were fictitious. Come to think of it, sometimes they are.