Go ahead and get rid of the bangers, David – and see what happens when the jailbirds find you

And there’s another treat in store an hour from now…

A goody-two-shoes popped up at a select committee meeting today to bat for more and better prison tucker.

We should be by no means surprised to learn this food fanatic comes from the fevered ranks of the Green Party.

In a select committee this morning, Green Party corrections spokesman David Clendon asked officials whether the budget for feeding prisoners would be raised.

Should Clendon ever become Minister for Corrections – God forbid – this suggests taxpayers would be called on to cough up more generously for our jailbirds’ tucker.

Whether the jailbirds would thank him is open to question because on his watch they likely would be treated to a vegetarian diet packed with muesli, yogurt, nuts and and what-have-you.

This isn’t too far removed from what they get now, according to this sample menu published today in the NZ Herald:

We’re in sad shape, Boss, when someone like Jacinda can have you saying sorry for your quips

…at least, not until my jokes fall flat.

Dunno why The Boss is apologising for making a joking referenceto convicted murderer Phillip John Smith fleeing the country.

But he is apologising, according to the Herald and other media.

As everybody in the Eketahuna Club seems to know, Smith was let out on temporary release from jail without anyone having the wit to think maybe he should be electronically monitored.

He did a bunk and flew to Chile using a passport obtained in his birth name.

And – so far as the best guess has it – he is now somehow in Brazil.

Sure, it hasn’t been much fun for the family of Smith’s victims. They have said they were fearful and some got police protection.

But there’s a funny side to it, if you have a wry sense of humour, including the increasing evidence that maybe Smith should be running the Corrections Department instead of the officials now in charge.

All Means All – and a hunger strike in jail should mean the pest is allowed to slowly waste away

And why – can someone explain – has All Means All been sent to hospital?

This irksome fellow with a very silly name has been banged up in Christchurch Men’s Prison and should be kept there.

But according to this report at Stuff, the plonker has been rushed to hospital again “as he continues his four-week hunger strike”.

All is serving a four-month sentence for repeatedly threatening to kill Prime Minister John Key in a series of letters.

The prison authorities should have left him in his cell to keep on doing what he wants to do, which is starve himself.

 

A memo for Crusher: say knickers to the critics and cut down on prison underwear costs

Alf is hoping for a chat with Crusher Collins next week, to give her a steer on how to further trim the Corrections Department budget.

He has been attracted by an idea being implemented in Florida, where prisoners are being stripped of their free underwear in a bid to save taxpayers’ money.

Inmates at the Polk County jail, Florida, will no longer receive free boxer shorts or briefs, in a move expected to save $45,000 (£27,900) a year.

Sheriff Grady Judd said prisoners at Polk County who refuse to pay for boxers instead will be ‘free spirits’.

Sheriff Judd should be brought out here for a chat with the Correctiond Department. His previous cutbacks have included substituting powdered milk for fresh in the canteen and pulling down the prison’s basketball hoops, saying ‘This is the county jail, it’s not a welfare programme.’

And now he is saying:

Too bad about the warders, but when was it wrong to keep jailbirds in Dickensian conditions?

There's a million-dollar view on the other side...but you can't see it from here.

Are we hearing things correctly?

Crusher Collins has been saying staff in some New Zealand prisons are working in “Dickensian” conditions and they should be closed down.

The important thing – surely – is that bad buggers are being banged up in Dickensian conditions.

If the prison staff don’t like it, there are plenty of unemployed people who would be keen to take over their jobs.

The future of the prison popped up yesterday, when Crusher was being questioned by Parliament’s law and order select committee.

Government might reconsider building new prisons as the number of inmates appears to have stabilised, she said.

Crusher is our Corrections Minister, of course.

She recalls that when she became minister in 2008 there were forecasts the prison population would increase by about 2000.

The Mt Eden Prison project: Mayor Banks and his fellow moaners can’t recognise an aesthetic facelift

Alf is amused by the fuss Aucklanders are kicking up over a $218 million prison development.

It towers over the Southern Motorway, says the Herald, casting a shadow across Mt Eden.

And it has “horrified” residents, principals and community leaders.

They are appalled by the project at Mt Eden Prison, and one city councillor believes the new block has grown higher than initial plans indicated it would.

We should not be surprised. Alf looks forward to many more bad buggers being banged up for a long time, under the Three Strikes bill we have just passed in Parliament.

We’ve got to put ’em somewhere.

Yep, we should all have a customary right to take something and iwi can have Taupo’s trout

Stuff the trout...let's claim rights to the whisky.

Alf has a modicum of sympathy for the prominent Maori leader caught netting trout at Lake Taupo, who says local iwi should be able take fish as a right.

He reckons we should draw up lists of things we can all take as of right. A customary right.

Iwi can have trout. Alf doesn’t much fancy trout. Too many small bones.

People with Scottish whakapapa should be able to lay claim to whisky.

Yep. If they spot it in a bar or a liquor store, they need just pop in, grab the whisky and take it home.

The real objection to David Garrett’s sterilisation idea is the expense that taxpayers would incur

The shrieking classes are in a state of high agitation this morning after ACT”s David Garrett floated the idea of voluntary sterilisation for abusive parents.

Offer the buggers a few thousand bucks in return for getting themselves sterilised, he suggests.

He says this may be one way of preventing the birth of children who might otherwise be injured or killed through domestic violence.

Mr Garrett says one option would be to offer $5000 if the parent agreed to be sterilised.

Alf is surprised that the fiscal implications do not seem to have been considered.

Containing a growing prison muster

Crusher has come up with a masterpiece of penal planning: she is enthusing about forcing prisoners to build their own jail cells from shipping containers.

Alf has two caveats. Imagine the amount of shit that will hit the fan if the headlines blare: “Prisoner escapes from cell he built.”

Moreover, as Crusher acknowledges, these cells would be more comfortable than the accommodation in some of our older slammers.

But (as the Sunday Star-Times reports today) the cost benefits are obvious –

How to cut costs (and do it without ceremony)

Idea for cutting back on government spending: let’s cut out the crap and the ceremony.

The thought came to Alf when he was musing on a media statement from Crusher Collins in her capacity as Minister of Corrections (a title with a nice social engineering ring to it; actually, she is our Minister of Dungeons and Prison Cells).

She was banging on about the establishment of specialist prison release teams to help prisoners reintegrate into society and improve the safety of the parole process.