On yer bike? No, that’s to be hostile to motorists – it’s better to go walking instead

Here’s a good reason for sticking to the motor car.

Alf thinks the merits of the motor car are easily demonstrated.

First, greenies  are fond of bicycling and disparaging of vehicles that emit greenhouse gases without explaining the miracle by which cyclists don’t emit such gases.

Second, he has seen Trevor Mallard on a bike and it is not a pretty sight.

Accordingly Alf has no urge to sympathise with  Alex Mann, the bloke whose champions say made a legitimate choice when he decided to travel by bicycle on the day a police officer fined him for impeding traffic.

As one of his defenders has argued: 

Martin Snedden goes out to bat against concrete but (sadly) not against cycle tracks

We should all support this motorist-friendly cafe.

In the normal course of events, the member for Eketahuna North would enthusiastically support anyone who opposes the construction of a cycle track that runs past their family holiday home.

Cycle tracks unfortunately are apt to be used by cyclists, who too typically tend to be sweaty buggers clad in Lycra.

On your bike, Mr Hague – there are some things the government (even a great one) can not prevent

Cyclists go down ... and not a car in sight.

Alf could see it coming – the Green Party is calling on the Government to do something to keep cyclists safe.

This overlooks the obvious reality that cyclists could keep themselves safe by selling their bikes and buying cars.

Then, of course, they must learn to keep their cars on the correct side of the road or be somewhere else when some lunatic drives over on to the wrong side of the road.

Flabbergasted cyclists should dismount and see things from the perspective of a frustrated motorist

Alf has spent a great deal of motoring time muttering about the road behaviour of cyclists who are impeding his progress.

Maybe he has even shouted abuse at the buggers, although he would prefer that his constituents were never made aware of this inclination to do something verging on road rage.

Cyclists are especially irksome on yellow-line stretches. You can’t pass them without breaking the law, which (as a legislator) is something Alf would never do. Hence he must drive behind the cyclists at a pace that is infuriating slow.

Auckland – where the sad locals are astounded by a pedaller enjoying a ride on their motoways

Alf delighted in reading the Herald’s story headed Giggling cyclist hits motorway.

It’s about a bloke in a bright orange high-visibility vest and crash helmet who threw Auckland motorists into a tizz by joining motorway traffic on Auckland’s Newmarket Viaduct yesterday.

Sad bastards, your Aucklanders, when they can get so excited about someone on a bicycle sharing their road space.

Or are they surprised by someone actually enjoying being on one of their bloody motorways, so much so that he got a giggle out of the experience?