Chester shows off his improved education – but it’s how electorate voters mark him that matters

April 28, 2015

Chester Borrows draws a long bow today.

Alf makes this observation while acknowledging that his judgement is steeped in envy, because he missed out on the junket that Borrows is now defending.

The best means of defence, as Chester clearly knows, is attack.

So he is sticking it into the media for making a fuss about the cost of the junket that took him and a gaggle of other MPs to bits of Europe.

He is saying this treatment of the Speaker’s delegation shows it takes New Zealand’s democracy too lightly.

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Oops – maybe there has been an awful misunderstanding about cultivating Cam’s friendship

August 19, 2014
Keep an eye out for an account of saucy goings-on here at Labour Party HQ in Eketahuna North.

Keep an eye out for an account of saucy goings-on here at Labour Party HQ in Eketahuna North.

Gotta admit to feeling somewhat uneasy about leaking further bits of this and that to Whaleoil.

Until now Alf had understood he was doing the party a big favour by passing on anything that might show up pinkies, greenies and their ilk in a bad light.

What’s more the encouragement of Jason Ede had given Alf the strong impression this sort of thing was good for scoring personal brownie points – and enhancing one’s political ambitions – up there on the Ninth Floor of The Beehive.

Ede should need no introducing. His name has been peppered into umpteen news reports in recent days (whereas Alf, dammit, hasn’t been mentioned once).

But maybe his encouragement was misunderstood.

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It’s a short cut to becoming an ex-law-breaker – you put your foot down and try to outrun the cops

November 17, 2013
I'll take the low road Fred, so you take the high road

I’ll take the low road Fred, so you take the high road and we’ll cut the speedster off at the pass.

Here we go go again.

The cops will be under fire for chasing a law-breaker, now an ex-law-breaker, who didn’t get the message about being unfit to drive earlier in the night when they took her car keys from her.

Hospital staff are helping to clean up the resultant mess.

The Independent Police Conduct Authority has been alerted, too, and will be expected to find out what went wrong.

The answer is glaringly obvious to Alf.

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Suppressed names short-change us in reports about a naughty step-father and a political smear campaign

May 8, 2011

Lest any of the good people of Eketahuna North suspect otherwise, even for a brief moment, let’s have this on the record.

Alf is not the bloke found guilty on charges of indecently assaulting his stepdaughter.

Nor is he Don Brash’s love child.

Mrs Grumble – fair to say – urged Alf not to make this declaration.

She said it was only attention-seeking. Moreover it was thoroughly unnecessary, because it would be obvious to constituents that he is not the mystery feller in either case, because –

* He is still married to her, his first wife, and they do not have step-children;

* He has never been a national figure (she unkindly said “and you never will be”); and

* He is bloody near as old as Don Brash.

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It’s a monstrous case of media discrimination – the cameras follow Carter but again give Alf a miss

December 23, 2010

Bugger - who let the TV3 cameras in on my Christmas?

So why haven’t the buggers in the Speaker’s Office alerted the news media to Alf’s holiday travel plans?

He would jump at the chance to be pictured climbing into his modest Mazda Atenza – a 2004 job – before driving to Taihape for a modest Christmas dinner with other members of the modest Grumble family.

Indeed, he offered TV3 a few hundred bucks if they would take such pictures and screen them on their news programme, but they somewhat impolitely turned down the offer.

The problem, probably, is that he is happily married to Mrs Grumble and they have three children and several grandchildren (Alf has lost count of how many exactly). This makes him remarkably ordinary, despite his accomplishments on behalf of his electorate.

Hence Alf is throughly pissed off to learn that Chris Carter, the bald-pated poof who happens to be an MP on the other side of the parliamentary divide, is saying the media have ruined his summer holiday after the itinerary for his taxpayer-subsidised trip to Sri Lanka was leaked.

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Talking about fat – isn’t that a fitting word to describe Michael Laws’ mouth?

October 10, 2010

Alf shares David Farrar’s disapproval of Radio host Michael Laws for calling Governor-General Sir Anand Satyanand a “large, fat man” who has “never left” the buffet table.

The absurdity of the remark is obvious to a clear-thinking bloke like Alf: most New Zealanders have seen photos of Sir Anand at functions, such as investiture ceremonies, where he is nowhere near a buffet table.

He has to leave the buffet table to do the paper work that turns bills into laws.

And while Alf has not actually seen the GG in bed, he imagines he does sleep in one, and not on a buffet tble.

And so on…

In short, Laws has been lean on facts and obese on fatuousness.

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The Kane mutiny: blog study needs shooting down

May 9, 2009

A bloke whose mum called him Kane doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously.

Hence Alf is challenging the findings of one Kane Hopkins, whose studies on blogging – and advice to politicians – has been aired in a statement from Massey University.

The statement is headed Blog doctor’s advice to politicians (although Alf is tempted to dismiss the bugger as a quack).

Politicians who jump on the “blogging” bandwagon to impress the voters may be wasting their time, says PhD researcher Kane Hopkins.

They would be better off concentrating their efforts on social networking sites such as Facebook or the Flickr photo-sharing site to show the public at a glance what they are doing, Mr Hopkins says.

Nonsense, says Alf (although he has confided to mates in the Eketahuna Club that he has been a tad unnerved by the Massey statement and its rundown on the research findings).
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