A lesson in the art of hyphenating to create a new word with a special meaning for Maori students

November 30, 2013

When is a university not actually a university?

Perhaps when you call it an indigenous university, but to be really sure you aren’t deceiving anybody, you throw in a hyphen and call it an indigenous-university.

Alf bristles at this misuse of the hyphen and is tempted to lodge an official complaint about the serious debasing of his taonga, which – of course – is the wonderful English language.

But the temptation is a fleeting one. Whereas we are supposed to take great care to protect the taonga of our indigenous people, few people would pay any attention if Alf was to grumble about a mischief being done by anyone to his culture and cultural treasures.

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Let’s not rule out the English arriving in NZ before the Maori – maybe Prof. Smith could check it out

December 28, 2012

The indigenous people of this country have cause to be somewhat nervous this morning.

One of their number is saying the status of Maori as “indigenous” needs to be investigated.

If such an investigation was to establish that our Maori fellow citizens are not quite as indigenous as they claim, then…

Well, they can no longer claim to be “special” under that United Nations thing (see here) that John Key agreed to a year or so back to keep his Maori Party coalition mates happy.

The call for an investigation can be found here.

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Islamic grave vandals scare Libyan cops – so a Kiwi team should go and dish out some rough justice

March 19, 2012

A good dose of utu is called for.

Ngapuhi leader David Rankin would do us a favour by helping to round up a small army to deal with the Islamic militants who desecrated Kiwi veterans’ graves in Libya.

The idea is to track down the buggers and give ’em a bloody good thrashing.

Utu, if you prefer.

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Immigrants and the colour bar: why Margaret Mutu is incapable of making racist remarks

September 8, 2011

You’ve got to love Maggie Mutu’s gall.

She has proclaimed herself (a) to be powerless, which (b) magically makes her immune from being a racist.

This, of course, is a fascinating paradox. There is a potent force in powerlessness.

But her claim is recorded in black and white – to coin a phrase – in the newspapers today.

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Forget about racism for now – the Human Rights Commission is checking out the use of a vile word

March 25, 2011

Alf is grateful to the Busted Blond for introducing him to a new and very naughty word to be used on occasions when a gross insult is intended.

Alf imagines he will make great use of it, henceforth, because his current stock of insults has lost its sting from over-use.

The word is pokokohua.

BB says there’s a shortened version of the word – hua – which is used down south.

Its a well used southern curse of the vilest kind. Its a bit like saying motherf**king C**t – it invokes a sense of outraged gravitas that lends punch to a decent insult.

As a child we once got a smack for using it.

So how come BB is banging on about a very naughty word?

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Advice to the Popatas: when you’ve done with protesting, limber up for the Olympics

March 22, 2011

You will be left behind if you can't maintain a brisk pace.

Alf has cause to take a fresh look at the Popata brothers, a stroppy twosome best known for roughing up the Prime Minister at Waitangi a year or so ago.

They are wasted in their occupations as a researcher and an interviewer.

Their forte – it transpires – is walking.

They are shaping up to be world-beaters.

Their strongest competition for an Olympic gold medal would come from those who have joined them on their hikoi from Cape Reinga to on Wellington.

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A blind eye is turned to Waitangi Day koha – so can other businesses charge discriminatory fees?

February 3, 2011

Horatio Nelson...he would have spotted the discrimination even if he looked with his blind eye.

Alf was driven yesterday to question what is so big deal about the Maori way of sorting out Hone Harawira’s differences with the rest of his Maori Party caucus.

Today he is looking into The Maori Way of plundering the Pakeha news media.

At first glimpse it seems calculated to land the buggers in big trouble with the Race Relations police.

Plans are afoot to impose a $1000 fee on the general media to go on to a marae on Waitangi Day, but no fee will be imposed on Maori media.


Does anyone get the faintest whiff of discrimination here?

Alf imagines opening up a business – let’s say – as a barber.

He will offer free haircuts to the general population.

But if you are a Maori he will whop you with a $50 charge for his services.

No, he won’t go broke, because long before his capital has evaporated we can count on a warning shot being fired across his bows by Joris de Bres, and if the warning is ignored, he will be prosecuted.

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This Maori claim must be pole-axed

July 20, 2009

Alf has advised Mrs Grumble to keep a close eye on the Human Rights Commission over the next week or so, now that a stroppy bloke called David Rankin is kicking up a fuss over a bit of flag pole.

Mrs Grumble triumphantly came home from a visit to rellies in the Waikato with a pair of undies.

Not any old undies. These are Tuku Morgan’s infamous $89 underpants (or so she was led to believe).

For now they are on display in the Grumble household, laundered, ironed, framed and resplendent on the lounge wall.

Mrs Grumble paid $5600 for them at a school auction.
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Geographic Board’s myth-take with a fish tale

April 23, 2009

Bugger me. Alf was bracing himself to take a ping at the idea of the North Island being known as Te Ika a Maui.

This – he believed – would give dubious credence to a tale about some legendary bloke called Maui fishing up the North Island. It’s the stuff of mythology, not maps.

But Maori leader and academic David Rankin is criticising the Geographic Board, too, for considering changing the name of the North Island to Te Ika a Maui.
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