Steady as she goes on several fronts as clear-headed voters give their ticks to more of the same

The Scottish vote threatened the future of the Union Jack and Alf’s favourite sofa.

The Grumbles have been relishing the rejoicing among our mates after we Nats put the lefties and pinkos in their place at the general election.

The scribblings of the commentators have gone down well, too.

For example, Tracy Watkins at Stuff is saying:

National leader John Key today faces a simple job of stitching together a new Government after winning a thumping mandate from voters last night.

But recriminations on the other side of the political fence, in Labour, are already unfolding with former leader David Shearer maligning a “tragic” result for the party.

Trade unionists learn something vital about Fiji – it doesn’t have a democratic government

So who coughed up the money to teach trade union leaders something the rest of us already knew?

The lesson is that Fiji is not a democracy.

Alf knew that without having to get on a plane and fly there.

But Helen Kelly, president of the CTU, flew there with a bunch of Aussies to find out the hard way, presuambly with tickets paid for by hard-working union members.

Coup leader is threatening to pull Fiji out of the Commonwealth – so let’s joyfully watch him do it

Wonder where Barmy Banana learned the art of diplomacy. His practice of it verges on the preposterous.

Alf had a laughing fit this morning on learning that Fiji’s coup leader is threatening to pull out of the Commonwealth, which he says continues to meddle in attempts to move Fiji forward.

That’s somewhat akin to members of the Mongrel Mob threatening to move to another neighbourhood.

Hi-jinx at the Hilton and a teenage girl’s babbling about a Brooke’s bum pass

The Fijian police’s response to allegations against former All Robin Brooke is fascinating. They say it is too early to say if he will be charged … they are still investigating the incident.

So how does the former All Black lock find himself offside with a teenager?

An Auckland girl, 15, has claimed that Brooke touched her backside twice on New Year’s Eve while holidaying at the Hilton Fiji Beach Resort and Spa on Denarau Island.

Touching girls on the bottom doesn’t rate high on Alf’s list of crimes that deserve severe penalties. If this girl took such a complaint to the cops while holidaying in Rome, she would be laughed out of the police station.

Forget the diplomacy and send in the Navy

Alf has simple advice for Foreign Affairs Minister Murray McCully, as the Government considers what action to take in response to Fiji’s expulsion of acting New Zealand Deputy High Commissioner Todd Cleaver yesterday.

Send gunboats, provided – of course – (a) we can find some and (b) we can spare them.

The need for a display of force was raised by Fiji’s Barmy Banana ordering out Mr Cleaver and Australia’s High Commissioner James Bartley.

Don’t send a gunboat – send the king

Looks like the Maori Party is trying to insinuate Maori leaders – including the Maori king – into New Zealand’s diplomatic service.

Co-leader Tariana Turia has proposed a team of Maori heavyweights play a role in sorting things out with that Barmy Banana bloke by talking with the bugger.

Turia says she wants to send a delegation to Fiji to meet the country’s military leader, saying she believes he has good intentions in proposing electoral reform and deserves a hearing.

On the potty path to independence

Foreign Affairs Minister Murray McCully has had much to say about the antics of Fiji’s Commodore Bainimarama, most recently about his re-appointment as Fiji’s interim Prime Minister. He huffs about it being “a sham” and a giant step backwards for the country.

“The extent to which the Commodore seems prepared to go to entrench himself and the military in power is unsettling.

“Abrogating the constitution, dismissing judges and now introducing emergency measures that curb the media and deny citizens freedom of political expression is a sorry recipe that has been tried by dictators in a number of other countries, always with tragic consequences.”

But Bainimarama’s way of doing things might have caught on in this country.