Don’t sniff too closely at our bridge upgrade plans – think instead of the scents of going for broke

March 9, 2015

pork-barrel-316
Roll out the barrel..

That was Alf’s advice when party chiefs consulted him at the weekend on how to counter the Peters threat.

No, he was not talking about rolling out the beer barrel to liquor up the locals. That would be bribery and bribery is seriously frowned upon in our electoral laws.

Alf was recommending we roll out the pork barrel.

Pork barreling, of course, is a term used to describe the appropriation of government spending for localised projects secured solely or primarily to bring money to a representative’s district.

Alf has recommended this tactic before, and the party bosses have listened.

Read the rest of this entry »


Up and at ’em – but let’s make sure this sovereignty stuff doesn’t rule out defending ourselves

February 13, 2015
With a bit of luck, our navigator got it wrong and this is a beach in Miami.

With a bit of luck, our navigator got it wrong and this is a beach in Miami.

It looks like it’s all on for Kiwi troops to be despatched to Iraq.

Iraq’s Foreign Minister Ibrahim al-Ja’afari today met a heavyweight bunch of Alf’s colleagues, The Boss,  Murray McCully and Gerry Brownlee.

There was a request for us to help his beleaguered country and as Radio NZ said:  

The request for support takes New Zealand one step closer to a decision on deploying troops to help train Iraqi forces, with back-up from special forces.

The Government has repeatedly ruled out the troops having any combat role.

Read the rest of this entry »


See who’s on the bottom rung of the National MPs’ pecking order – yep, its Maurice and Crusher

October 27, 2014
"There are only two of us Maori Party MPs, so we both get get a co-leader's share of the swill."

“If we formed another party and became co-leaders, we would each get a bigger share of this swill.”

Not for the first time, Alf is seriously pissed off with a Parliamentary Press Gallery hack who has seen fit to draw attention to MPs’ pay packets and perks.

It was not done directly by naming Alf.

It was done, nevertheless, by drawing attention to the salaries and perks of some fellow back-benchers. The good citizens of Eketahuna North are a bright bunch, quite capable of working out – roughly – the going rate for their local member.

Next bloody thing you know  they will be asking him to do the shouting, either in the pub or at the Eketahuna Club, because obviously he is paid much too much and can afford it .

Read the rest of this entry »


Why is Alf still waiting? Gerry Brownlee should come up with the answer and some help – or else

June 7, 2014
Gerry Brownlee will be lobbied by Alf (in Eketahuna North) to help Alf (in Christchurch). lobbying Gerry to help be neeIf

Gerry Brownlee will be lobbied by Alf (in Eketahuna North) to help Alf (in Christchurch).

Mrs Grumble was somewhat jolted by a headline at Stuff this morning.

It read…

Why is Alf still waiting?

She supposed the parliamentary hacks at Stuff – at long last – had been musing on the PM’s failure to make much better use of the member for Eketahuna North’s vast energy and administrative and political prowess.

No doubt they were wondering why Alf was still sitting on the back benches where those talents were being wasted and the nation – surely – was suffering as a consequence.

But Mrs Grumble soon found she should not read too much into a headline.

Read the rest of this entry »


Fatties should go for the soaps (the slimming ones) rather than the news, when watching TV

January 29, 2013

0 a article-0-1737E621000005DC-905_634x831

The good news for Parekura Horomia and Gerry Brownlee is that Alf has sent each of them a few bars of the product advertised here.

Mrs Grumble happened to be cleaning out the attic and – would you believe? – found the soap.

She suggested Alf put them to the test, but he happened to think he knew of someone who could make much better use of these bars than he could.

Mrs G. agreed and the soap was delivered this afternoon, before the House sat for the first time this year.

But there’s bad news (here) for Parekura and Gerry, too.

They should give up watching the news on telly.

Read the rest of this entry »


And if Parekura or Gerry need emergency treatment at Dr Gray’s Hospital? Fat chance…

January 15, 2013

0 a 215.Obesity

Dunno if Labour’s Parekura Horomia or Alf’s chubby chum Gerry are bound for Britain any time soon.

Perhaps not.

But they are bound to get there some time, and if so they should make damned sure they are in good nick, when it comes to their health.

And they should stay south of Hadrian’s wall.

The reason: overweight patients have caused health and safety problems in Scotland. Or in a bit of Scotland.

Accordingly these fatties are being denied beds.

Yep. That’s right.

If you are too tubby, you don’t get a bed.

Read the rest of this entry »


So now we know why Parekura and Gerry are so jolly – it’s something to do with their genes

November 21, 2012

But on some days it’s hard to be jolly.

Dunno if David Cunliffe is feeling somewhat down, today.

But notwithstanding whatever went on at his caucus meeting yesterday, he is more likely to get depressed than – let’s say – Parekura Horomia.

Or Alf’s good mate, Gerry Brownlee.

This can be asserted with great confidence because – as you will learn here – fat people are apt to be happier than their skinny colleagues.

Father Christmas, of course, serves as a splendid example.

And here’s why…

Read the rest of this entry »