Green co-leadership aspirants don’t mention that maybe they are the country’s biggest problem

If you wanted a good chuckle yesterday – as Alf did, after some serious campaigning in Northland – it could be found on TV3’s “The Nationa”.

Green Party co-leader candidates Kevin Hague, Gareth Hughes, James Shaw and Vernon Tava lined up to discuss their eligibility to replace Russel Norman.

The humour perhaps was not intended from this earnest bunch of muesil-munchers.

They provided it all the same.

They also demonstrated an inability to identify the biggest problem facing the country right now.

Here’s how they responded when asked that question:

Much ado about Little – a tawdry tale of the Labour leader’s failure to keep a wedding vow

But Andrew reneged on the nuptials.

Alf was bemused by a post at Imperator Fish, where the privilege of a guest post has been extended to one Norman Wildebeest.

This Wildebeest bloke is described as a respectable town planner, although Alf has never encountered such a creature in his many years in politics. He is also described as a wine judge (a much more admirable calling) and a serial arsonist (which could be countenanced provided he could be relied on to torch appropriate targets, such as Labour Party headquarters in Eketahuna North).

Those bleats from Turei should trigger a big hurray – the spy-monitoring committee will be Green-free

 

Sorry – this is the wrong colour for our intelligence committee.

It looks like discord has broken out between Labour and the Greens. Hurrah.

The greenies are in a tizz because none of them will be sitting on Parliament’s intelligence and security committee. Hurrah again. The public can sleep more safely in their beds knowing their security is in safe hands.

It’s all the result of Labour leader Andrew Little shutting the minor parties  out of a place at the table where the closed-door committee will oversee a major review of the security services this year.

The Greens – boohoo – say Little has broken the law, because he didn’t consult with any other party leaders before selecting his foreign affairs spokesman David Shearer.

Turei says the Greens are spoiled for choice but this depends (surely) on the calibre she will settle for

Green Party co-leader Metiria Turei may well be right when she says the party has no shortage of male candidates from which to pick a replacement for Russel Norman.

Twenty-one of the 39 names on the party’s list for the 2014 election were blokes – or rather, were people with male names. But to be frank, the Grumbles would never have given names like Steffan or Reuben to their lads because they were sure this would impede their All Black prospects.

Three more of the names on the list might be males but, alas, it’s hard to tell.  The first name of one of them is Sea, another is Aaryn and a third is Umesh.  Alf is writing this in some haste, because he is keen to get down to the boozer to join his mates, so hasn’t had time to check out their genders.

But Turei has gone further than claiming she has no shortage of male candidates. She claimed there is no shortage of high-calibre candidates.

The truth of this is not so obvious, although the Greens may well employ a different measure of calibre than the measure employed by Alf.

A bit left of centre you’ll find a feller who is trying to flush out how Steffan Browning earns his keep

Alf took umbrage yesterday at a Stuff political hack’s focus on the fall of two former ministers, Crusher Collins and Maurice Williamson, to the bottom of the party pecking order.

Trouble was, this hack also saw fit to disclose their pay and perk entitlements.

This was discomforting for the Member for Eketahuna North because it was apt to give his constituents a pretty good idea of his earnings.

But today is another day and – hey – there has been a change of heart.

That’s because Alf has been familiarising himself with a new blog, Slightly Left of Centre, operated by a feisty  bugger by name of Josh Foreman.

This Foreman feller questioned the Greens about what Steffan Browning has done to earn his keep.

A fry-up for breakfast is the way to avoid getting fat (and the eggs don’t have to be free-range)

The way to better health.

Alf tucked in to a typical Grumble household breakfast this morning fortified by the knowledge he was doing the right thing, nutritionally.

He would have stuck to his usual breakfast – perhaps with a 300gm portion of black pudding thrown in and lots of chips –  even if the research showed it was bad for him, nutritionally.

But it’s pleasing to know he doesn’t have to make a case for defying the experts.

The good news for him and all fans of a fry-up was communicated by the Daily Mail.

Rachael the social justice martyr may be on to something with bed count but went awry on abortion

She is keeping an eye on bed numbers in Southland’s mental health unit.

Alf has been seized by a serious dose of petulance, since running through the list of ministerial promotions, demotions and what-have-you and finding his name is not there.

He is especially soured (but won’t be saying so publicly) by the favours dished out to Epsom’s MP, David Seymour, who becomes an under-secretary, and to Paul Goldsmith, who stood for National, took a dive but became an MP anyway on the party list and now is a Minister .

Eketahuna North, on the other hand, has no representation in The Boss’s ministerial team.

Bloody disgrace (but don’t let him know that’s what Alf is thinking).

So instead of writing about the ministerial line-up Alf has decided to look at the shit-stirring of another Goldsmith in the politics caper.

Could they be related?

Anna Paquin and her hubby show their Green streak – but they didn’t arrive in the capital on bicycles

Warning: if you play with these things you could finish up turning green.

Alf observes that Anna Paquin, an actress, and her husband, Stephen Moyer, have landed in Wellington.

Whoopee.

The Herald on Sunday account of this earthquake-shaking event goes on to say their arrival lends some heavyweight celebrity endorsement to the Greens.

The Greens doubtless need to be propped up by celebrities, given that their policies don’t amount to much.

When the Greens let their hair down, you could say they risk causing serious dis-tress

A very unattractive picture was painted, in Alf’s ever-lively mind, when he learned of the Greens wanting to let their hair down.

Crystal Gayle with her hair down? Well, just take a look at the pic on the right. Alf would have gone a long way to see her and her tresses in her hey-day as a country and western singer.

According to the German fairy tale, Rapunzel was something of a looker with long tresses too.

But Alf would rather be far away when the likes of Metiria Turei (the sheila at the top) let their hair down.

Hence he does not get too excited by news that the Green Party will be holding an auction behind closed doors to raise funds later this month.

Our chauffeur-driven Cabinet Ministers will be House-bound if we don’t shift the capital

Your hard-working MP has always sensed there were good reasons for shifting the country’s capital from Wellington. Now he is certain about it and is ready to promote Eketahuna as a possibility.

But wherever it finishes up, it should no longer be Wellington.

Not now that Wellington has re-elected its pedal-pushing mayor, Celia Wade-Brown, and fortified her greenie agenda by electing other Greens to the council.