Questions perhaps need asking about the knickers that Jackie Blue gets in a twist on gender issues

Alf has been musing on whether he should modify the masthead on this blog.

The question is whether it would help or hamper him if he added a few words to make absolutely plain something he has always imagined is absolutely plain.

That is, he should declare to his constituents he is a bloke.

This declaration of masculinity – he has been led to believe – is necessary to distinguish him from politicians who happen to be female.

Jackie Blue, a former colleague who gave up her job as an MP to become a  champion of equal opportunities, is someone who believes this gender distinction is necessary.

She has been banging on about it in conversation with Paul Henry, who might have become an MP, too, if he had much appeal to voters, which he didn’t.

Come to think of it, he should have made much more of being a bloke, when he was campaigning to become MP for Wairarapa, because he was beaten by a sheila who once was a bloke.

Seymour should ask how many more votes ACT might get if it wasn’t so precious about corporate handouts

Then you fill it up with dollars and it’s first in, first served…

Alf admires the aplomb with which his good mate Steven Joyce brushes off any suggestion a Tory Government should not be dishing out a rich swill for corporate oinkers.

If business benefactors find we Tories won’t reward them with a bit of corporate welfare now and again, the bloody economy would grind to a halt because we can be damned sure a pinko government won’t be helping them.

ACT’s David Seymour, who is new to this sort of thing, has a lot to learn because he was putting Parliamentary questions to Joyce yesterday on this subject. Obviously he disapproves of our generosity to Big Business.

He wanted to know if Steven was concerned at the scale of corporate welfare in New Zealand under this Government and if not, why not?

Oh joy – it seems Clark Gargle could be cheaper than we thought (if there is any demand for it at all)

Alf feels obliged – in the name of fair play – to record that businessman Donghua Liu has issued a new statement to the Herald about his contributions to the Labour Party.

Whether this means the record has been put straight can not be guaranteed, because a story that can be changed once can readily be changed again.

But for now, it is reasonable to say Liu might not have been as generous to the Lefties as it seemed a few days ago.

This will bring some relief to Lefties and a great deal of satisfaction to Alf, who could not imagine a shrewd businessman wanting to give the proverbial brass razoo to the Lefties.

Labour’s exorbitant liquor lark – $100,000 for a bottle of Clark Gargle looks a bit rich

Liu’s partner got wine, Rick Barker got forgetful … and Cunliffe has got the hangover.

The authorities who police these things should take a bloody hard look at the way the Labour Party has got into the liquor trade.

Alf’s good mate Whale Oil drew attention a few weeks ago to a Labour Party fund-raiser in South Auckland, when those in attendance tossed coins at a bottle of whisky.

Alf’s fondness for good scotch might have tempted him to have a go at winning the bottle by these means, but he would have balked at having to travel to Auckland – a sad city he prefers to avoid – and he has been programmed never to do anything that would benefit the Labour Party.

Helen Clark’s aspirations exquisitely coincide with those of the Member for Eketahuna North

Fair to say, it never looked likely that Helen Clark would return to politics in this country.

But there was always the sneaky suggestion she might, especially after Annette King’s elevation in the party pecking order showed Labour’s willingness to look back to find the people to take it forward.

Accordingly it is great to learn here that –

Trouble is, for a Nat to seek Helen’s help in getting a knighthood might be a tad dishonourable

Ah, so that’s how it’s done.

It is no secret that Alf has considered himself egregiously neglected by those who decide who should be gonged at New Year and in the Queen’s Birthday Honours List.

The knighthood he covets has eluded him.

Now he knows what must be done, although, fair to say, it calls for somewhat extreme measures.

Chris Finlayson should ask if the Wot Wots and their kin really need to suckle on state handouts

We can expect to hear much bleating from the film industry, in light of a proposal to tighten access to one of their troughs.

The plan will require movie makers to stump up a bit more of their dosh (or the dosh of a private investor) before they can expect to slurp into public money.

The NZ Herald brings news of what’s afoot this morning –

Government officials are expected to recommend keeping a film fund which helped pay for local movies such as Boy and Under the Mountain, but make it more business-focused and require film makers to raise at least 10 per cent of the funding.

Papers obtained by the Herald show that the officials’ draft recommendations for the Government’s screen sector review include requiring films funded through the Screen Production Incentive Fund to get at least 10 per cent of budgets from private investors, despite the drop off in private investment in film since the global financial crisis hit in 2008.

To the contrary, Alf reckons if private investors aren’t putting in the money, there is probably a bloody good reason, and if there is a bloody good reason, then the public should not be putting money in.

Indeed, Alf would pull the plug on all handouts to film-makers and TV producers.

The RBS’s ex-boss is branded Fred The Bed as another banker becomes better known for bonking

Sir Fred and Lady Joyce will have plenty to talk about when they get home.

Alf has never been too fond of bankers (and he hopes Mrs Grumble shares his aversion to the buggers).

But when he said they were bonkers, he was referring to their feeble grasp of his finances when they turned down his application for a loan.

It seems they are bonkers in more ways than one.

Titewhai, protocols and rancidity – why Hone’s mum may be banned from a marae

You don't notice it so much out here in the open air.

Dunno what the word sounds like in Te Reo.

But it’s a fair mouthful in English.

It’s “rancidification” – a process with a somewhat unsavoury pong about it.

And it’s been applied to describe the behaviour of Hone Harawira’s very stroppy mum, the formidable Titewhai.

In essence, as the Herald reports today, Titewhai faces a possible ban from Te Tii Marae after being accused of “rancidification of Maori protocols” at a recent Maori Party hui.

Alf fancies himself as a great wordsmith (although Ele from Homepaddock gives Mrs Grumble a higher rating).

But he has never dropped “rancidification” into a speech or any of the articles he has submitted to the Bush Telegraph.

Alf’s constituents are all above average in the IQ department and will not need to check out what it means. Many of them, moreover, are familiar with the dairy industry, where product is apt to go rancid.

But for readers beyond the boundaries of Eketahuna North, maybe these definitions will help.

It looks like Team NZ will be getting $36m of public money – but Helen has already spent some of it

But with your money and mine we will be ship-shape for 2013.

Dunno why we Nats are copping so much heat over the decision to pump $36 million of hard-earned taxpayers’ money into Team New Zealand’s 2013 America’s Cup campaign.

The blame should be heaped on Labour for doing the deal that contractually binds us to squander the money in this shameful way – a bloody boat race in San Francisco.

TVNZ has noted the Labour origins of the arrangement –

The Labour government signed an agreement with Team New Zealand as part of the team’s 2007 campaign against Alinghi in Valencia.

As acting economic development minister, David Carter can only try to ensure the best possible use is made of the investment.