Kiwis expect a fair go about the rescue in Iran – but the best Ben Affleck could do was give us Argo

February 28, 2013
You don't get one of these for telling it as it is.

You don’t get one of these for telling it as it is.

Dunno why anyone should think a movie made in Hollywood would tell the whole unvarnished truth about a historical event.

Alf’s dad did his bit on a British destroyer in World War II, blasting German U-boats to save the world from the Nazis. He was damned upset when the tossers who made “The Enemy Below” (starring Robert Mitchum and Curt Jurgens) turned a British ship (see here) into an American one.

The movie script differs substantially from the original book. The ship is changed from British to American. More importantly, the final scenes of mutual respect and potential friendship between the protagonists is not at all how the book ends.

In light of that experience, Alf has steered clear of the movie version of The Hobbit. He fears the worst – that American flags are flown from poles outside the holes in the ground or wherever it is that hobbits reside and that they chew gum, watch baseball and mispronounce “aluminium”.

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The casting couch won’t work for Gerry – maybe that why he’s giving millions to movie moguls?

January 9, 2011

And if we can come up with another $100 million, they will let me play Henry VIII.

Alf finds it hard to fathom what’s going on in the Beehive nowadays.

Mean, lean Bill English is banging on about the need for fiscal rigour (although he is apt to forget this when throwing money around for Polynesian employment projects)

Generous and chubby Gerry Brownlee, on the other hand, is doling out millions of dollars to American movie moguls – the sorts of people who can count their profits in billions.

The long-suffering taxpayers of Eketahuna North accordingly are confused.

Today they have been pressing Alf for explanations, after the Sunday Star-Times disclosed that the public purse bankrolled blockbuster film and TV productions to the tune of $75 million over the past two years.

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Gerry and the film-makers – or how to grovel to keep The Hobbit from emigrating

October 22, 2010

Betcha Gerry will come up with a bigger subsidy if I threaten to stick this up him.

Size does matter, of course, and if you are big enough you can get the Key cabinet to turn all sorts of tricks for you.

Especially when Hollywood movie moguls are involved, Alf’s Nat mates are eager to perform – and to please.

Want new labour laws?

Yep. We can fix it.

Want bigger subsidies?

Yep. We can fix that too.

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