The odds aren’t great that the new prince will be called Alfred – but Alfred was a great King

July 23, 2013

The Grumbles have just framed the nice letter they received from a flunky in the household of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Our advice on a name for the royal baby – we were pleased to know – had been greatly appreciated by the royal couple.

The framed letter will sit proudly on the mantlepiece.

The name we suggested, of course, was Alfred.

We drew the prince’s attention to these critical details about his royal predecessor, who was one of England’s early monarchs and the only one to be called “the Great”.

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Calls for getting rid of religious hate are welcomed but who will fight for Kate’s honour?

September 20, 2012

St George…so where is his modern-day equivalent?

Where are the bloody champions of civilized behaviour when a lady’s honour needs defending?

Alf raises this question after a bunch of religious leaders condemned the film that has sparked violent protests among the world’s Muslims and extreme reactions to it.

They have issued a statement (here) through the Office of Joris de Bres, the Race Relations Commissioner.

The statement is not likely to do a fat rat of good where it matters, which is among mad bastards who want to provoke Muslims with their ill-considered movies, cartoons, books or whatever, or among those Muslims with low tolerance thresholds who don’t need much of a pretext to declare a jihad or go on the rampage.

Some of the provocateurs on the publishing side of the issue can be found in France.

A bunch of feeble-witted Frogs has been involved in the publication of inflammatory cartoons of The Prophet Mohammad.

Are they really so short-changed in the thinking department that they don’t realise cartoons of this sort trigger much the same reaction as a match being tossed into a tank of petrol?

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They weren’t serving vintage champagne at the Palace, so a knees-up at the Goring looked a better bet

May 2, 2011

Yes, we will - but where?

Lambcut got her knickers in an unnecessary twist yesterday at the Roarprawn site. Alf recommends she replace the elastic.

She was right to remind us that the Windsors are a deeply weird lot. This comes from inter-breeding among fellow royals over many centuries, giving their blood an admirable blue hue but otherwise being genetically harmful. New breeding stock in the form of the splendid Kate Middleton, whose great grandfather was a miner, should help remedy this defect.

And it’s true that their real name is Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, but they changed it out of embarrassment about their family connections to the Germans at a time when your Germans were behaving in a very bellicose manner towards the Brits, and their hostility had nothing much to do with anything that happened on the football pitch.

Lambcut then gets herself into trouble –

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Must taxpayers pick up the tab for the first of the next line of royals to be conceived in NZ?

December 5, 2010

Alf is top of the list of the country’s ardent monarchists – or somewhere near it.

But he is bothered by a proposal to have the Government offer Prince William and Kate Middleton an all-expenses paid honeymoon to New Zealand to create a “fairytale” tourism driver.

It’s not the Government that will pay, see. It will be the taxpayer.

And Alf is always anxious to look after the best interests of taxpayers.

If someone else can pick up the tab, they should.

Alf moreover gets the whiff of opportunism from a Diana Moore, who operates the $10,000-a-night Lake Okareka Lodge near Rotorua.

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Bishop Pete obviously forgot the line of command when he exposed himself as a republican

November 24, 2010

Could he be a defrocked bishop?

Alf reckons he can explain the accompanying picture.

It shows a man who was captured on Google Street View. He apparently is climbing into the boot of his car while naked.

A dog lies nearby surrounded by the contents of the sports car’s boot.

The image has prompted a rash of internet speculation over what activity the man could be involved in.

Alf’s firm suspicion is that he is a defrocked bishop, probably stripped of his clerical raiment for saying outrageously provocative things about The Royal Family.

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