Let’s flag John Key’s next press conference – it will be humiliating, after a wayward wager on the Warriors

October 3, 2011

The price to be paid for taking a bad bet.

It could have been worse.

The Boss could have been as daft, in the wager department, as the retiring Green MP, Keith Locke, who made his valedictory speech last week.

Mr Locke recalled losing a bet when ACT MP Rodney Hide won the Epsom seat in 2005 and having to run down an Auckland street naked.

“I’m no less into gambling although I’m tempted to put something on the Warriors to win the NRL grand final.”

It’s a measure of his judgement that he would have lost that bet too.

Alf would never put his money on a team that is headquartered in Auckland.

But alas, The Boss is not so chary and he put his money on the Warriors, too.

Or rather, he put our flag on the outcome of the match.

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Unwelcome asylum seekers: as Happy Feet knows, coming here by sea is not what rankles us

July 13, 2011

If you come here from Antarctica you will get a warmer reception.

Alf has been fascinated by the fuss generated by a bunch of Sri Lankan asylum seekers.

The bloody news media have been trying to show Jonathan Coleman, our Minister of Immigration, and The Boss are not singing from the same hymn book on the matter of where the asylum seekers were headed.

Coleman apparently suggested a boat holding 88 Tamil Sri Lankans was not bound for New Zealand. John Key is not so sure.

As most people now know, the Indonesian Navy intercepted the boat on Saturday.

Some on board were holding New Zealand flags and signs saying “We like to go to Newsland” and “Our future life is in Newsland”.

John Key says the captain of the boat said they were coming to New Zealand – though it may have been bound for elsewhere – and it was only a matter of time before more ships would target New Zealand.

Actually, “Newsland” suggests to Alf they were hoping to settle down somewhere within Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation.

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The croneyism crock: McCully rewards his mates because he would be daft to do favours for his foes

April 10, 2011

So which one of these dots is Niue?

Alf is deeply offended by all this stuff being bandied around about “croneyism”. The word trips too easily off the sharp tongues of our political enemies.

First it came from Labour’s Maryan Street. Then it came from that chronic Greenie grouch, Keith Locke.

In both cases they are trying to embarrass Murray McCully, for most parts a splendid fellow, although Alf was somewhat disappointed by his failure to scuttle the misspending of $2 million on a plastic waka.

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$1m civil action in spy base case – that’s the way to uphold law and order

October 7, 2010

Watching the Waihopai Three struggling to find $1 million should make the smile disappear.

Greenie griper Keith Locke is off beam with many things. But he is further off beam than usual when he grumps that any damages suit taken by the Government Communications Security Bureau against the Waihopai Three protesters “will be a waste of taxpayer money”.


It won’t be a waste if the court finds against teacher Adrian Leason, Dominican friar Peter Murnane, and farmer Sam Land and orders them to cough up to pay for the damage they did to public property at Waihopai.

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Come back Guy Fawkes – a “no” vote with gunpowder would be a blast in this silly Youth Parliament

July 2, 2010

We've got another job for you, Guy, so bring your gunpowder.

Alf has spotted the awful news that some sprat – a spotty sprat, no doubt – intends coming to Wellington with his potty preoccupation with republicanism.

Not surprisingly, this sprat is being aided and abetted by the chronic Greenie grouch Keith Locke, who has proudly announced:

Auckland City Youth Councillor and Kings College student, Harry Lusk, representing Green MP Keith Locke at the New Zealand Youth Parliament, will be debating in favour of New Zealand becoming a republic.

“It’s an important issue for my generation. I find it bizarre that our present system precludes a New Zealander being be the head of the New Zealand state”.

The statement goes on to explain that “Mr Lusk” (shouldn’t that be Master Lush?) approached Locke and asked to be his youth MP “because of a shared passion for the republic issue”.

Sounds like he is a pushy little sprat.

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The Jones boy is acting mighty peculiar with his reform ideas and should surrender his knighthood

February 28, 2010

Alf observes that Bob Jones is named – alongside Peta Mathias, CK Stead and Rob Hamill – among prominent New Zealanders who have come out in support of Green MP Keith Locke’s bill for a referendum on the monarchy.

Bringing his name into the argument does us a favour. It reminds us of the sorts of people who may well finish up as our President if we lose our marbles and scrap the monarchy.

We are a country increasingly hungry for news about the antics of celebrities rather than about the deeds and ideas that affect us as citizens. If it was put to the vote, accordingly, Her Majesty would be displaced by somebody like Jones, Paul Henry or Paul Holmes’ headline-hogging step-daughter.

President Jones doesn’t have the same ring, for Alf, as Queen Elizabeth.
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Welcome Prince William – what a shame we don’t behead anti-royalist rabble nowadays

January 17, 2010

Unabashed royalists like Alf are chuffed that Prince William arrives in New Zealand today for a three-day visit.

He will be there, enthusiastically waving his Union Jack and wearing his tie with the Queen’s face emblazoned on it, when William touches down in Auckland just after 11am.

The prince’s first task will be to visit Eden Park to see redevelopment work and be briefed on plans for next year’s Rugby World Cup.

On Monday, he will attend a wreathlaying ceremony at the National War Memorial in Wellington.

But then – if it hasn’t happened already – the poor bugger will be exposed to the repugnant antics of some of our more odious citizens.

A bunch of protesters is intending to turn up when the prince opens the Supreme Court building in Wellington tomorrow.

Alf is ashamed to say some of our members of Parliament will be among the protesters.

He yearns for the good old days – a few centuries back – when your royals could have ordered the beheading of these rabble-rousing bastards.

In this case they are left-leaning trouble-makers, so their beheadings would lift the nation’s average IQ with two swings of an axe and do good things for the gene pool.

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The case for locking up Greenie Keith

November 18, 2009

Alf is fascinated by the extent to which trivia can trigger outrage among Greens and “peace” campaigners.

This time, the buggers are fair fuming and spluttering at finding the Security Intelligence Service (SIS) wants universities to alert the spooks to any illicit science relating to the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction.

SIS director Dr Warren Tucker met the New Zealand Vice-Chancellors’ Committee (NZVCC) and sent university managers a letter and a brochure called A Guide to Weapons of Mass Destruction: Your Role in Preventing Proliferation of Weapons of Mass Destruction.

So that’s it. The SIS is telling the university bosses to keep an eye open for anything suspicious.

In the case of Canterbury University’s Rod Carr, it could be a big ask. The way Alf remembers him, the bugger is visually challenged. Severely.

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Death sentence protesters can go hang

January 25, 2009

The Green Party’s Keith Locke, Amnesty International agitators and all the other hand-wringers who complain about New Zealand doing business in a country where murderers are executed should go hang themselves.

They wail about the need for Fonterra and our government to campaign against the death sentences imposed on some very bad people (and to come out swinging in favour of democracy and human rights).

But what do they expect should be done to those who poisoned the milk with which Sanlu (Fonterra’s Chinese partner) made a deadly baby formula? Read the rest of this entry »