Green co-leadership aspirants don’t mention that maybe they are the country’s biggest problem

March 15, 2015

If you wanted a good chuckle yesterday – as Alf did, after some serious campaigning in Northland – it could be found on TV3’s “The Nationa”.

Green Party co-leader candidates Kevin Hague, Gareth Hughes, James Shaw and Vernon Tava lined up to discuss their eligibility to replace Russel Norman.

The humour perhaps was not intended from this earnest bunch of muesil-munchers.

They provided it all the same.

They also demonstrated an inability to identify the biggest problem facing the country right now.

Here’s how they responded when asked that question:

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Pay rises and perks – some MPs say they don’t deserve them but here’s betting few give them back

February 27, 2015

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You can be sure the Dom-Post mob didn’t bother chatting with Alf.

The tossers are saying MPs are reluctant to accept an $8200 pay rise and are calling for the system that rewards them to be overhauled.

You can put your money on Alf not being among those breast-beating plonkers.

Come to think of it, you have put your money on Alf because you have been paying his salary every since he was first elected.

And now you will be putting a bit more into his pocket after the Remuneration Authority published its determination which hikes a back-bencher’s salary by 5.4 per cent to $156,000 a year.

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Turei says the Greens are spoiled for choice but this depends (surely) on the calibre she will settle for

January 31, 2015

Green Party co-leader Metiria Turei may well be right when she says the party has no shortage of male candidates from which to pick a replacement for Russel Norman.

Twenty-one of the 39 names on the party’s list for the 2014 election were blokes – or rather, were people with male names. But to be frank, the Grumbles would never have given names like Steffan or Reuben to their lads because they were sure this would impede their All Black prospects.

Three more of the names on the list might be males but, alas, it’s hard to tell.  The first name of one of them is Sea, another is Aaryn and a third is Umesh.  Alf is writing this in some haste, because he is keen to get down to the boozer to join his mates, so hasn’t had time to check out their genders.

But Turei has gone further than claiming she has no shortage of male candidates. She claimed there is no shortage of high-calibre candidates.

The truth of this is not so obvious, although the Greens may well employ a different measure of calibre than the measure employed by Alf.

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The mob baying for Banksie’s blood includes some Nats but he hasn’t burgled or been boozed

July 7, 2014

John Banks is unlikely to be able to lay claim to the Maori Throne. Not successfully, anyway.

Accordingly it will be difficult for him to argue that a conviction for breaking the law around electoral donations might disqualify him from sitting on that throne one day . A conviction therefore is on the cards, when he turns up to learn what sentence has been decided for him, even though his offence is not in the same anti-social league as the burglary and drunken driving that landed a certain high-ranking indigenous person in trouble.

Well over half the people questioned about Banks’ fate in a survey accordingly have a fair chance of finding the judge goes along with them when they say they want him convicted.

Banks – it will be remembered – was leader of the Act party before he resigned last month. He was a former government minister, too.

Alas, he was found guilty in the High Court at Auckland of knowingly filing a false electoral return.

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There’s talk of parliamentary perjurers being prosecuted, but MPs mustn’t become too punitive

July 23, 2012

Alf observed with more than passing interest the steps being taken in Britain to punish those who lie or mislead Parliamentary select committees.

He was apprised of this development, in the Mother of all Parliaments, by a report (here) in the Daily Mail.

Lying or misleading MPs during parliamentary committees could become a criminal offence.

He admits he did not pay attention immediately to this item.

He was drawn, rather, to a raft of other items about the daft antics of Poms including the story (here) of a psychic who persuaded sheilas to strip for him.

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When a party has a musterer, who will get the joke if several new co-leaders are named?

April 1, 2012

Take me to your co-leaders.

Never thought the bloody Greens had much of a sense of humour.

But only the date of today’s media release gives a hint that a slew of leadership announcements may be a load of bollocks.

In all other respects, the news is precisely what you would expect from the muesli-munching tossers.

Prank-wary news editors therefore are in danger of being caught out.

Here’s how it kicks off –

Green Party announces new leadership

The Green Party has pioneered the co-leadership model which has helped us provide representative and dynamic leadership. We think the time has come for further innovation, said Green Party Co-leader Dr Russel Norman.

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Here’s hoping the West Coast stays blue and the locals retain a ruddy hue in their necks

April 12, 2011

But they don't serve lattes there, do they?

Alf is astonished to learn – and is disappointed, too – that a gay greenie from the West Coast reckons the place should no longer be regarded as a place where the blokes are real blokes.

The gay greenie in question is Kevin Hague, one of their List MPs, and he is saying he is “sick and tired” of the region’s residents being portrayed as rednecks.

This was triggered by Labour List MP Damien O’Connor’s red-blooded denunciation of the party’s list selection process, which he colourfully said was run by “self-serving unionists and a gaggle of gays”.

Labour leader Phil Goff demanded an apology from O’Connor. But he had enough political nous to say O’Connor’s comments could be viewed positively by West Coasters.

They are certainty being viewed positively by Alf’s mates in Eketahuna, although it’s fair to say they have the great good sense never to vote for Labour.

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On your bike, Mr Hague – there are some things the government (even a great one) can not prevent

November 17, 2010

Cyclists go down ... and not a car in sight.

Alf could see it coming – the Green Party is calling on the Government to do something to keep cyclists safe.

This overlooks the obvious reality that cyclists could keep themselves safe by selling their bikes and buying cars.

Then, of course, they must learn to keep their cars on the correct side of the road or be somewhere else when some lunatic drives over on to the wrong side of the road.

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Forget about the conflict of interest, Tony – here’s your chance to chop out the spare mandarins

September 25, 2010

Bugger ... it looks suspiciously like a conflict of interest!

Alf has written to Health Minister Tony Ryall to draw attention to a money-saving opportunity.

Tony is dead keen to grab money-saving opportunities, and to thin down his ministry and to make district health boards look for savings too by constraining their budgets.

Yeah, it’s a bit like tummy-tuck surgery except it has the unfortunate consequence of leaving the public with reduced health services.

But dammit, we have a fiscal crisis on our hands.

Anyway, the cost-saving idea identified by Alf simply requires no more than a bit of redundancy among the ministry mandarins.

A glaring example of a candidate for redundancy is the Health Ministry official who says he will not resign if elected to Wellington’s district health board, because he believes he can do both jobs at once.

And no doubt he can knock off a couple of cryptic crosswords while singing “Yankee Doodle” in Urdu at the same time.

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The Greens welcome it – so what’s the catch?

July 28, 2009

Fair to say there’s some disappointment in the Tararua district today, in the aftermath of the PM’s cycleway announcement.

Businesses in Alf’s patch had hoped their region would be celebrating along with the winners of funding for the first stages of the national cycleway.

The announcement involves $9 million for the first seven sections of the cycleway, which will eventually link Kaitaia with Bluff.
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