Trouble is, for a Nat to seek Helen’s help in getting a knighthood might be a tad dishonourable

January 27, 2013

Ah, so that’s how it’s done.

It is no secret that Alf has considered himself egregiously neglected by those who decide who should be gonged at New Year and in the Queen’s Birthday Honours List.

The knighthood he covets has eluded him.

Now he knows what must be done, although, fair to say, it calls for somewhat extreme measures.

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Nah – the un-knighting of Fred has not taken banker bashing too far

February 2, 2012

Dunno if taking back Fred Goodwin’s knighthood means Her Majesty now has a spare gong to dish out. If so, Alf will be putting up his hand and saying me, me, me…

He will do this very discreetly, so as not to draw attention to his somewhat desperate yearning for a title, but as his mates know, he has long fancied being called Sir Alfred Grumble and the missus – just quietly – would like to be known as Lady Grumble.

Meantime he has had a look at newspaper coverage of the events that have turned Sir Fred into plain old Fred.

He refers, of course, to Fred Goodwin, the former boss of the Royal Bank of Scotland who was Sir Fred Goodwin until this week.

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HRH has missed out as our next GG – but the sits vac show we’ll soon need a bigwig at GCSB

March 9, 2011

If it's a military background we need, here's the man.

Okay, so Alf bombed out on the GG’s job.

He has been deeply depressed since learning the Queen has appointed former Defence chief Jerry Mateparae, who – for good measure – will get the knighthood that Alf for years has hoped might come his way.

Jerry (a splendid fellow, let the record show) will become the next Governor-General in August, to begin a five-year term when Sir Anand Satyanand steps down.

The Herald says –

He will be 56 when he becomes New Zealand’s 20th Governor-General and Prime Minister John Key said yesterday that his relatively young age was a factor in choosing him.

“I just think we are a young, modern country. It’s a great fit for what we are doing,” he said. Mr Key said he had compiled a list but General Mateparae was his first choice.

The deeply depressed Alf discerns more than a whiff of ageism in that remark.

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Great – a gong for the wind, but those lesser awards for policy wonks leave a sour taste

December 31, 2009

Mrs Grumble is keeping out of Alf’s way today, as she usually does when the new year and birthday honours lists are published.

She knows full well that Alf will be grouchy for a day or two because he has been overlooked yet again for a title.

He will be especially grouchy this time, because one of the big gongs has gone to Helen Clark.

Alf bitterly recalls that knighthoods and damehoods – some of the plums for being part of the glorious British Commonwealth of Nations – were scrapped under her leadership.

Now she has been awarded the country’s highest honour, membership of the Order of New Zealand, in the New Year Honours announced this morning.

The former prime minister becomes the 17th member of an order that can have no more than 20 living New Zealanders as members at any time.

Yesterday, taking a break from her schedule as administrator of the United Nations Development Programme, she looked every bit a former Labour Party leader, dressed in a red jacket at the Waihi Beach home of her parents, Margaret and George.

She said the award came as a surprise. “I really didn’t expect it. But the reality is that, generally, people from previous administrations have been recognised, so I guess the same traditions apply. Perhaps it was the timing of it.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We Nats have spent the past decade trying to tip her and her gaggle of leftie social engineers out of office, complaining all the while about how they are botching things and making New Zealand a place that is encouraging emigration.

Now we reward her.

And get this…

The honour’s citation simply says, “For services to New Zealand”.

For what?

That’s a bit like Alf having to pay his builder “for services rendered,” even though the clumsy bugger punctured a water pipe and the plumber had to be hired to put things right.

Then there are those lesser gongs that have been doled out to buggers who – so far as Alf can see – have done nothing much more than their jobs as public servants.

There’s nothing personal in the examples Alf cites here. It’s just that they are blokes who have been quietly getting on their work as bureaucrats.

Example number one: Timothy Charles Robert Horner, Otaki, for services to the New Zealand Customs Service.

Horner – Alf understands – is or was the Customs Service Group Manager Policy. A policy wonk, in other words.

He has managed Customs’ policy work since his appointment in 1998, leading a gang of wonks who provide advice to the Government and the Minister of Customs on border management issues, including international trade and international relations.

In effect, he has been rewarded for a decade of wonking.

And before that?

He joined Customs from the Department of Internal Affairs where he served for 20 years, initially as a manager in the Local Government division, and later as the Department’s Policy Manager for Gaming, Citizenship and Heritage issues.

Betcha his pants have a real shiny patch around the bum.

Then there’s an award to one Alan Bryan Kerr, of Wellington, for services to the Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry.

He’s another policy wonk.

Alf recalls a written question being put to Agriculture Minister Jim Anderton in 2007, back in the days when our capital city was Helengrad.

The question was put by our David Carter – a bloke who is worthy of an honour – who wanted to know who were the members of the Primary Industries Summit Steering Group.

The list of names supplied in reply included that of Alan Kerr (Director, International Policy, Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry)…

On the other hand, Alf applauds the knighthood awarded to Arthur Douglas Myers, CBE, of London, for services to business and the community.

Myers was a beer baron, the boss of Lion Nathan.

His firm makes Steinlager, which makes Alf merry, if consumed in sufficient quantities. It also makes him burp.

Hence Myers can be said to have been honoured for his contribution to Alf’s belching – a gong for the wind.


Monarchists deserve a medal

January 9, 2009

Here’s a big hurrah for The Monarchist League of New Zealand, a splendid bunch of people with an obvious bent for upholding good old-fashioned values. Read the rest of this entry »