If Jamie thinks real hard, maybe he will see that our aristocracy differs from the French bunch

Marie Antoinette lost her head … maybe Jamie did too.

So what does a philosopher do?

Thinks about things, the way Alf understands the philosophy caper.

And having done a bit of thinking about things, your basic philosopher might venture to express his or her opinions – but second thoughts are recommended before you express them publicly in this country.

Some thoughts are best left unexpressed – such as thoughts about one law for all.

Or co-governance arrangements whereby only 50 per cent of representatives on a public body are publicly elected and the rest are appointed by iwi.

Advocating one electoral system for all, indeed, is politically hazardous.

Try discussing Maori seats for example, and see where that gets you.

In big shit with Race Relations Commissioner Dame Susan Devoy, as it happens.

Our Maori Prince shouldn’t feel too ashamed of his racist slur – British royals can do much the same

King Edward III later abdicated to marry one of the Simpsons.

The Maori King's son is being given a raw deal, perhaps being judged by the standards of unfairly minded people rather than by the common-sense standards applied in the Grumble household.

Let's revise that. "Common" is not the word to be applied here, because the Grumbles are monarchists and apply monarchic standards to the behaviour of those with royal blood pumping through their privileged veins.

By this standard, there's nothing untoward in Prince Karotangi Paki's Facebook page containing racist comments.

A boy racer, maybe – but if so, he’s a right royal boy racer simply doing what blue bloods are apt to do

"Well, I won't be breaking any speed limits in this bloody thing."

It’s good to see the Maori Royal Family are getting the hang of the royalty business.

A bit of scandal is part of it.

This includes breaking the speed limit, if we are to follow the example of European royals, but a blue-blooded young buck could get up to other sorts of mischief.

Pump the words “royal” and “scandal” into Google, and you will get plenty of hits.

The Telegraph, one of Alf’s favourite newspapers, wrapped up a few of them in one article.

Example:

In 1891, the Duke of Clarence, son of the future Edward VII, discussed the possibility of paying off two prostitutes he had met, in exchange for the return of two letters he had sent to them.

Details of the Duke’s indiscretions did not come to light until incriminating letters were auctioned at Bonhams in 2002 for £8,220.

Writing at the time, the Duke confided: “I am very pleased that you have been able to settle with Miss Richardson, although £200 is rather expensive for letters.

What a shame – the moa remains extinct and the Maori King has buggered his shoulder

Sad to say, a moa won't be replacing this kiwi at the entrance to Alf's home town ...

For a moment Alf was elated.

He had been told of the Maori King’s run-in with a moa, which obviously meant the famed flightless bird could be removed from the list of God’s creatures that have gone the way of the dodo.

Too bad about the injuries suffered by the Maori King – but presumably he had been hurt in the good cause of rediscovering the creature.

Next thing we know, DOC will be on the case and a breeding programme will be under way, hopefully at Mt Bruce just down the road from Eketahuna if Alf was successful with his lobbying.

Tourists would then pour in from all over the world and business would boom in Alf’s home town.

Alas, Alf had misheard the news.

The axe factor: Henry had the answer for rebels like those who underminine the Maori king’s mana

A great role model for the Maori King.

Dunno if Her Majesty would behave exactly like this. But Alf observes that the Maori King has threatened to abdicate his title if tribal members do not fall back into line.

Certainly the buggers who are bothering him should be much more servile.

But it seems they have had the impertinence to ask questions about how the Maori King spends their money and what-have-you.

Damnably demeaning.

No monarch worth his salt would stand for it, and so –

Don’t send a gunboat – send the king

Looks like the Maori Party is trying to insinuate Maori leaders – including the Maori king – into New Zealand’s diplomatic service.

Co-leader Tariana Turia has proposed a team of Maori heavyweights play a role in sorting things out with that Barmy Banana bloke by talking with the bugger.

Turia says she wants to send a delegation to Fiji to meet the country’s military leader, saying she believes he has good intentions in proposing electoral reform and deserves a hearing.