Those bleats from Turei should trigger a big hurray – the spy-monitoring committee will be Green-free

 

Sorry – this is the wrong colour for our intelligence committee.

It looks like discord has broken out between Labour and the Greens. Hurrah.

The greenies are in a tizz because none of them will be sitting on Parliament’s intelligence and security committee. Hurrah again. The public can sleep more safely in their beds knowing their security is in safe hands.

It’s all the result of Labour leader Andrew Little shutting the minor parties  out of a place at the table where the closed-door committee will oversee a major review of the security services this year.

The Greens – boohoo – say Little has broken the law, because he didn’t consult with any other party leaders before selecting his foreign affairs spokesman David Shearer.

Turei says the Greens are spoiled for choice but this depends (surely) on the calibre she will settle for

Green Party co-leader Metiria Turei may well be right when she says the party has no shortage of male candidates from which to pick a replacement for Russel Norman.

Twenty-one of the 39 names on the party’s list for the 2014 election were blokes – or rather, were people with male names. But to be frank, the Grumbles would never have given names like Steffan or Reuben to their lads because they were sure this would impede their All Black prospects.

Three more of the names on the list might be males but, alas, it’s hard to tell.  The first name of one of them is Sea, another is Aaryn and a third is Umesh.  Alf is writing this in some haste, because he is keen to get down to the boozer to join his mates, so hasn’t had time to check out their genders.

But Turei has gone further than claiming she has no shortage of male candidates. She claimed there is no shortage of high-calibre candidates.

The truth of this is not so obvious, although the Greens may well employ a different measure of calibre than the measure employed by Alf.

Willie agrees Maori are entitled to a half-share of political power, but he’ll settle for less for now

Willie Jackson has popped up in New Plymouth to confirm Alf’s suspicions that some indigenous persons in this country feel the Treaty of Waitangi entitles them to a half share of anything that’s up for grabs, especially a slice of the political action.

He can count on bumping into some craven Pakeha person who is only too willing to give away the half share of the action that Jackson is claiming.

New Plymouth mayor Andrew Judd comes into this category. He reckons Maori should be given half the seats on his council – and on every other council in the land. Never minds what the citizens think.

Jackson obviously concurs that this is a fair go.

According to this report in the Daily News:

A bit left of centre you’ll find a feller who is trying to flush out how Steffan Browning earns his keep

Alf took umbrage yesterday at a Stuff political hack’s focus on the fall of two former ministers, Crusher Collins and Maurice Williamson, to the bottom of the party pecking order.

Trouble was, this hack also saw fit to disclose their pay and perk entitlements.

This was discomforting for the Member for Eketahuna North because it was apt to give his constituents a pretty good idea of his earnings.

But today is another day and – hey – there has been a change of heart.

That’s because Alf has been familiarising himself with a new blog, Slightly Left of Centre, operated by a feisty  bugger by name of Josh Foreman.

This Foreman feller questioned the Greens about what Steffan Browning has done to earn his keep.

No, we shouldn’t be following the bloody wowsers – let’s take our cues on leadership from Churchill

Here’s where prohibition takes you.

Alf was alarmed to learn The Boss has confessed to guests at a fundraising event that he has been on the wagon since his return from a Hawaii holiday last month.

According to this report at Stuff:

Key revealed his abstinence at a fundraising event at Wellington’s Dockside restaurant on Wednesday night. He noted the irony about delivering a speech while standing in the bar.

A spokeswoman said “He is just taking good care of himself for the campaign.” Key is known to favour pinor noir and English-brewed Bath Ales.

Obviously The Boss did not consult Alf before taking what looks like a drastic as well as highly unnecessary course of action.

When the Greens let their hair down, you could say they risk causing serious dis-tress

A very unattractive picture was painted, in Alf’s ever-lively mind, when he learned of the Greens wanting to let their hair down.

Crystal Gayle with her hair down? Well, just take a look at the pic on the right. Alf would have gone a long way to see her and her tresses in her hey-day as a country and western singer.

According to the German fairy tale, Rapunzel was something of a looker with long tresses too.

But Alf would rather be far away when the likes of Metiria Turei (the sheila at the top) let their hair down.

Hence he does not get too excited by news that the Green Party will be holding an auction behind closed doors to raise funds later this month.

On yer bike, greenies – the stats tell us why we need to spend much more on motorways

So long as the buggers keep far to the left there is plenty of room for all of us…

Dunno what the Greens think they are trying to tell us.

But it looks like good news for the Government’s transport policies.

Today the muesli-munchers have banged out a statement to say cycling is booming throughout New Zealand despite the National Government’s failure to fund new cycle lanes to keep people safe.

Poorly tailored Greens’ plan for impoverished kids has forgotten the threads and treads

Alf is damned glad he doesn’t belong to a party which serves up vegan food at its conferences and declares them to be a fragrance-free affair.

This, it seems, means party members are expected to eschew deodorants and perfumes, and so on, which in turn means those who turn up are exposed to the pong of the raw body odours of delegates who are apt to be sparing with the use of soap.

Because Alf would avoid such occasions, the Greens have been denied his advice on how to improve their education policy.

That policy was announced today, as you can find here.

The Greens want to install nurses in every low decile primary and intermediate school to tackle poverty-related illness.

Great. But it doesn’t go far enough.

A doctor should be part of the package.

And a dentist.

Fatties should go for the soaps (the slimming ones) rather than the news, when watching TV

The good news for Parekura Horomia and Gerry Brownlee is that Alf has sent each of them a few bars of the product advertised here.

Mrs Grumble happened to be cleaning out the attic and – would you believe? – found the soap.

She suggested Alf put them to the test, but he happened to think he knew of someone who could make much better use of these bars than he could.

Mrs G. agreed and the soap was delivered this afternoon, before the House sat for the first time this year.

But there’s bad news (here) for Parekura and Gerry, too.

They should give up watching the news on telly.

When a party has a musterer, who will get the joke if several new co-leaders are named?

Take me to your co-leaders.

Never thought the bloody Greens had much of a sense of humour.

But only the date of today’s media release gives a hint that a slew of leadership announcements may be a load of bollocks.

In all other respects, the news is precisely what you would expect from the muesli-munching tossers.

Prank-wary news editors therefore are in danger of being caught out.

Here’s how it kicks off –

Green Party announces new leadership

The Green Party has pioneered the co-leadership model which has helped us provide representative and dynamic leadership. We think the time has come for further innovation, said Green Party Co-leader Dr Russel Norman.